Sacred Sojourns

Pashupatinath Temple Burning Ghats Photography Books

2011-12-07T17:49:00.004-05:00

As promised in my last post, I am very pleased to share my first travel photography book, which is now available via blurb!

Pashupatinath Temple Burning Ghats is a celebration of Impermanence, a core concept in Hinduism and Buddhism.

Pashupatinath Detail Page at blurb bookstore

Shot from a distance so as not to intrude on anyone's privacy, this 32 page photo essay chronicles a Hindu funeral ritual from a perspective of reverence.
(All images copyright 2011 by Tammy Winand)

The book has minimal text, in the form of photo captions, which seek to explain scenes many viewers may not be familiar with. I sincerely hope that, as well as being visually engaging, it will be a learning experience for all who view it.
~~~~~~~

I continue to work hard every day to incorporate the teachings of Buddhism into my everyday life, becoming more and more open to being in the moment and accepting life's challenges.

Many fellow dharma students have told me that my practice is patience.

Transformation via dharma practice can be excruciatingly slow. Realizations come and go. You may feel "enlightened" and "get it" one day but soon realize that with every new major challenge you need the same help and lessons that brought you there.

We can only stay on the path, bringing ourselves back THIS moment repeatedly.

Impermanence and Suffering

2011-11-30T20:27:00.003-05:00

The months since I last updated this blog have been filled with unexpected challenges that have tested every aspect of my spiritual and emotional growth. Nagging illness of varying degrees of severity, emotional abuse and failed relationships, accidents which could have been life threatening had things gone just slightly differently. The move from Boudha back to McleodGanj. The move from McleodGanj back to the USA.

Impermanence.
Samsara.
Suffering.

Learning that you are viewed as an object to be used by those you have devoted so much time and energy to. Learning that even a Buddhist monastic can act completely opposite than the Buddhist precepts dictate, causing deep harm.

Painful stuff.

Often working in a blur, not even sure what you are doing, just killing time. Every day fading into the next, and never feeling sure you are going to get through to see another one.

One day it becomes clear that you are, in fact, still alive, and that progress has somehow been made, in invisible moments. Somehow the seemingly random bits and pieces have fallen into some kind of pattern. Healing has happened, even if only in small amounts.
New projects have begun, and some have even been completed.

It often feels like I will never be exactly where I want to be. I often feel hopeless, too far behind in "work" to ever catch up. There are some paths which I thought would lead me home that now seem to have been dead ends. These days I don't even know where that longed-for "home" might be.

Still, I am continuing the journey, trying to "allow" surprises to appear.

In my next post, I will share one of those "surprises", a photography book from one amazing afternoon on the outskirts of Kathmandu.

What Am I Doing Here?

2011-04-21T00:41:00.000-04:00

I have been in Kathmandu for just over three weeks. Today I found myself shaking my head at the strange blend of similarities and differences between life here and in the USA, and also comparing it to my life in India....

I am not exactly feeling "homesick", although there are a variety of things I wish were part of life here. One source said I am experiencing one of the phases of "culture shock", where you realize that, even if you become accustomed to a place and learn a little (or a lot) of the local language, you will never really understand the local way of thinking.

As I write this, it is nearly noon, and I am under an awning in Nir's Toast Restaurant and Bakery's garden. A thunderstorm is getting into full swing. It's very refreshing, but, frankly, I'm not feeling very well. I rarely ever feel well these days. I'm plagued by headaches, achy joints and muscles, fatigue.

I find myself pondering, yet again, what I am doing here. By “here”, I mean on the other side of the world from where I was born and raised. Am I simply killing time? What do I want from this experience? I honestly do not know the answers.

What I know is that I am no longer satisfied with my work as a human rights activist and Tibet supporter, at least in the form that I have been doing it over the past half year. I feel used, drained. I am not sure I want to continue studying the language or even dharma. Both pursuits have brough more stress, less pleasure.

I feel like I need a long break.

The western woman with her back to me at the next table lights a cigarette after finishing her beer, and sun reappears. She's left her order of french fries virtually untouched. I leave my last bite of buff thenthuk as an offering to the hungry ghosts.

Blue and yellow prayer flag banners at the Kagyu monastery next door snap in the wind. No ceremonial music emerging, today. Only the “buzz” (more accurately a loud incessant grinding) of the generator during one of the daily scheduled power outages famous in Kathmandu.

Maybe there aren't even supposed to be any answers, though that thought makes me very uncomfortable.

Renewing my Commitment to this Blog

2011-04-15T04:08:00.001-04:00

Once again, I have let life, or perhaps just laziness, get in the way of this blog. Somehow another 5 months have slipped by since my last post.

You'd think I had nothing to write about.

Despite my wide range of online pursuits, most of which are months behind what I'd like them to be, it's not as though I have no "free" time.

The truth is, I am plain unmotivated, as well as unorganized.

If only I could make a list of daily tasks and stick to it!

And, if only my internet connection cooperated at those times!

My connection these days, while I am in Kathmandu Nepal, is much faster and more reliable than most wifi spots in McleodGanj. It has been working the past few days without much issue, but there are still many times when I log in and see that yellow exclamation point announcing "limited connection"...or worse, the RED X.

I have recently asked some online friends to help me be more accountable for updates. There really is no excuse for letting things go for 5 months! I invite any and all of my readers to nudge me at my various social sites if they fail to see a new post at THIS page at least once a month (hehe, I'd like to say "once a week", but I don't want to scare myself!)

Meanwhile, my intent is to update Everyday Exile Project main blog at least twice weekly, and Everyday Exile Photojournalism once a week.

I welcome suggestions from readers on what they would like to see here. What kind of details interest you in a chronicle of a spiritual journey and travelogue?

If you read it here, will you still be interested in the "planned" book when it comes out?

"Randoms"

2010-11-22T02:36:00.000-05:00

A few years ago an online community forum I participated in had occasional posts called "randoms" in which people asked and responded to a set of random questions.
This post will be a series of random updates because I have no one particular topic I want to expound upon, yet I feel there is much to be shared.

*Regarding daily schedule: First, let me say, all things considered, life is good. I have not been sick this trip beyond a few minor inconveniences. Despite some discouraging events early on, nothing bad has happened.
Life has taken on somewhat of a routine. I get up between 6-8am most days, enjoy a nice hot shower, dress and have tea and sometimes breakfast on the patio or (more recently, since a room change) on my private balcony, overlooking the Dhauladhar range of the Himalayas. Usually I leave the room by 9:30 and go either up into town to buy fruit or down and around the kora with a stream of local Tibetan exiles. By 10 at the latest I am usually seated in One Two Cafe having sweet milk tea and checking emails and facebook. By noon I have usually moved to another local restaurant which tends to have faster more reliable internet where I can actually upload pics and work on my online shops. I often have lunch there as well. Before 4pm I have usually finished and tend to drift around town depending on which friends have called or dropped by. Sometimes I go out for dinner, others I snack or cook back at my room. 3-5 days of the week, I tutor a Tibetan friend in conversational English from 6-7:30 or so, and we usually have a really good time. Most nights I am in bed by 9:30pm at the very latest.

*Regarding "Practice": I have gone through a series of views on daily Buddhist practice. I set up a shrine in my room and make offerings and do prostrations, albeit somewhat erratically. I may go to kora 3 times a week, depending on weather and energy level. I try to go to the temple at least 3 days a week, as well. I have started reading 2 more books on Tibetan Buddhism, but as is often the case with me, I read when the mood strikes, not daily. I've decided not to beat myself up over this because it just doesn't work for me. I try to do at least one mala of Om Mani Padme Hum daily and sometimes also Green Tara and Medicine Buddha, and on occasion other mantras such as Vajrapani, or Vajrasattva, creep in there. A few of my Tibetan friends have told me it's not what I do as ritual but what actions I do that make the difference.

*Regarding weather: So far it has been mostly pleasant weather. Daytime highs are still in the low 60s Fahrenheit with overnight lows dipping to the low 50s. I haven't bought my heater yet and am still only, usually, wearing a single layer of pajamas and socks! (last year in the depth of winter I was in double and even triple layers!). We had 2 days of showers with heavy rain during the pre-dawn hours, and on the 2nd day the snow level dipped below Triund, but other than that it has been mostly sunny.

*Regarding "curriculum": I am friends with a fellow American who speaks &/or understands 5 Tibetan dialects and who has been teaching me the alphabet and some very useful phrases. I would say my Tibetan language usage has increased two-fold since beginning to hang out w/her. Still, I frequently flounder trying to make simple conversation, and it can be very discouraging.

*Regarding Everyday Exile Project, my initiative to increase awareness of Tibetan exile issues and main reason for being here: Things have been erratic. At times I gather many new pieces of information and hold impromptu interviews, at others I feel very discouraged at the lack of local interest on the part of people I have spoken to, and the difficulty of making progress. Things here are done differently. Emails and phone calls often produce little if any interest or result. You literally have to plant yourself in front of someone to get something done. I have, admittedly, not made a huge effort to get down to the government offices, mainly because I am not sure exactly what I want to say. My questions are diverse and rather unfocused. I need a lot of information on a wide range of topics and have no idea where to begin. Even finding out which person I need to contact has been complicated.

Those are the main things I wanted to cover for the moment. I feel things evolving, but am not sure I can clearly describe how. The best I can say is "stay tuned" for updates! I will try not to be so inconsistent in the weeks ahead!

I Was Asked to Describe India...

2010-10-26T01:35:00.002-04:00

For those who asked, a bit of descriptive prose about my India experience, round two.

For anyone who has never been here, the best way I can describe India is “in your face”. It is radically different from western life in so many ways. Sights, sounds, and smells come at you full force, non-stop. By the time your mind has processed whatever oddity you have just seen, something else is zooming nearer.
A rikshaw carrying 16 people.
A Hindu temple lit with neon lights.
Chai wallas and roadside vendors of every imaginable variety.
A drunk falling down crossing six lanes of traffic, being helped to safety, and immediately getting up to do it again.
Donkey carts and horses jostling with motorbikes, taxis and vividly decorated long haul trucks.
A dead rat belly up in the middle of the sidewalk.
Cows sleeping on the edges of a busy highway.
Rubbish of all types strewn on the ground.
Electrical wiring hanging in knotted bundles on the outside of buildings.
Women in dirty ragged saris carrying babies beating on your car window at every stop.

India is a place you will either hate because of its unkempt nature, or a place you will learn to love because life thrives despite that nature. Some of my Indian friends have called it “organized chaos”. I don't know about “organized”, but there is a sort of system, once you come to recognize it.

There is a beauty here that defies explanation.

India is ALIVE with music, prayer, joking, arguing, singing and dancing.
It took me more than 3 and a half months on my first visit to come to terms with the experience. By the time I left, a month after that, I had come to think of it as home.

Yes, I still find it difficult and exhausting more often than not. Many things still make me sad and angry, but nothing shocks me, anymore. I have come to expect the unexpected and to not judge what is.

So here I am on my second extended stay. I successfully navigated Mumbai and Delhi's Tibetan colony and am now back in my heart's home on a ridge of the Himalayan foothills, where the first snow of the season fell just two days ago above town and gleamed like a white beacon in the moonlight as the bus wound its way up the tight switchbacks in the wee hours of morning.

Daylight arrives, first bathing Moonpeak in golden light, then pouring into the valleys. Birds are screaming, dogs are barking, the sounds of people cooking and starting their day are all around.

Soon I will make a walk around town to see what has changed, what's the same, whether I encounter any familiar faces.

It is so good to be home.

Feels Like it's Been Years

2010-10-15T22:50:00.000-04:00

I arrived back in India not quite 36 hours ago. I'd only been gone seven and a half months, but it felt like it's been years. In many ways, it felt like coming home, like my life has been on hold for this.

Oh yes, there are still things that boggle my mind about the place. I can barely make my most basic needs known in Hindi. I haven't a clue about the rituals and meanings of Hindu festivals. I still shake my head at the vast differences between life here and in the States (and probably always will).

Jet lag does not seem to be as severe this time. The worst of it so far has been sleeping several hours in the afternoon, a headache in mid-evening, and waking this morning at 2:30am without being able to go back to sleep. Compared to my constant aches and nausea of my first week in country last year, I'm feeling fabulous.

Although I am not terrified of the strangers and strangeness of much of Mumbai this time, I still have no real desire to wander around the city. My budget is extremely limited. There are internet contacts I've made here who I'd love to visit, but even getting to their side of town from where I stay would cost more than my weekly budget allows.
My greatest plan is to return to Leopold Cafe, possibly tomorrow, and hopefully meet a friend from McleodGanj there who is now studying in Mumbai.
My time in Mumbai allows me to regain a feel for things and let my body adjust to being on the other side of the world.

I head for Delhi 5 days from now, staying in Majnu ka Tila Tibetan colony for a few days. It will be an entirely new experience.
After that, I'll catch the overnight bus to my Himalayan home of McleodGanj. Things will be very different, this time. I have a new project, a new mission, a totally new agenda. I come armed with a lot more knowledge.
I look forward to learning so much more about the culture, languages, history and way of life of the region.
It will be interesting to see how things unfold this time, and where the journey takes me.

Moving Ahead with India Plans

2010-09-11T21:48:00.000-04:00

My visa was approved and I am moving ahead with plans for my return to India.
I plan to arrive in Mumbai on 14 October to visit my friend, recover from jet lag, and remind myself that, well, I'm truly back in India.
There are so many differences, both subtle and direct, and it will require shifting mental and emotional gears.
It doesn't happen over night.

I plan to spend about a week there before flying to Delhi. Last visit I did not spend any time in the city. This go round I'm thinking I'll spend a few days in Majnu ka Tila, the Delhi Tibetan colony. Something different. A more in depth view of exile life in India. Hoping it will lead to new contacts, new knowledge, eventually new material.

I aim to catch the bus from MT up to McleodGanj at the start of the following week.

In all honesty, I can no longer remember what it was like, there. The feeling has left me. I am both eager and excited, but I am also nervous. I cannot really pick up where I left off. I will have different priorities, this trip. When I arrived last autumn, I was not looking for the specific things I am this trip.
This time, my goal is to find a Tibetan language tutor, and also someone who can guide me on the Buddhist path. Yes, I will still teach English conversation, but not at the same place...maybe only as a private tutor.

Mainly, I am looking for more details on the situation of Tibet in exile. I want to get a better feel for the views of the community regarding the future.

And, of course, I am hoping to further explore the interpersonal relationships which developed and meant so much to me.

One way or another, this trip will determine the course of the rest of my life.

After India, next spring I intend to spend 2-3 months in Nepal. Beyond that, nothing "concrete"...I would love to spend some time in Ladakh, maybe more time in MT, maybe back to Mclo...maybe something as yet unforeseen.

Over the coming week I'll be putting more effort into organizing what still remains to be done on the Everyday Exile project, which is still very much in planning stage.

To be honest, with less than 5 weeks til planned departure, I realize slowly slowly how much remains to be done. I've been in a holding pattern regarding planning, organizing, pre-trip shopping, and of course packing.
I really need to sit and breathe and figure out exactly what still needs to be done.
And then start doing.

Planning for India

2010-08-28T12:38:00.000-04:00

Plans are progressing, although at the moment I feel more like I am just in a holding pattern.
I completed and mailed my India visa application yesterday. Barring complications, which I do not expect (but as a worrier...I am also worried they may arise), I should have the visa back by the end of next week.
When it arrives, we will buy my tickets.
I am planning to depart on 13 October and arrive in Mumbai the evening of the 14th.
I know all too well from last year that it will take as long as five days to recover from jet lag, so I plan to stay in Mumbai til at least the 21st, maybe as long as the 24th.
I've made some new contacts from Mumbai on twitter, so am hoping to meet them when I get in town.
I've begun preliminary planning for the trip to Delhi and on to HP.
I've also started with pre-travel shopping as there were so many miscellaneous things I could not find on my first trip that I really wished I'd had access to, such as Ziplocs, garbage bags, and anti-histamines.
I recall thinking it strange how easy it was to find some things and not others which seemed more everyday practical to me.
But then, nothing about India can be anticipated, except that something unexpected will surely happen!

I found my main notebook from the last leg of my first visit and was browsing through it last night. It also contains all my notes from when I first began studying Buddhism. A timely find. I've been so in need of resuming practice, and could not get my head around it. Now I can see how I did it the first time and get back on the path.

If all goes according to "plan", in less than seven weeks I''ll be on India round two! Cannot wait to see what happens this time, to visit all my friends, to explore new places and aspects...

Follow me.......

Everyday Exile Book Project

2010-07-25T16:49:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update:
After a successful fundraiser on Kickstarter, I am moving forward with the Everyday Exile Book Project.
Please follow the link above to learn more.

My projected return to India will be mid-October 2010 and I intend to stay through early April 2011.

Watch for updates at the info page (link above).
My online access is limited for the next several weeks due to other commitments as well as need to go to public free wifi locations when I do have free time.

Thanks for sticking with me.

Resuming my Practice...

2010-07-06T23:40:00.000-04:00

Today is an Auspicious Day. It is the 75th birthday of HH Dalai Lama. Long Life, Your Holiness!

After my last post, I had a pretty much total breakdown. I fell away from my practice completely...no mantras, no prostrations, only occasional water bowl offerings, no daily reminders to myself of the Four Noble Truths or Precepts or Eightfold Path.
I was also unable to get online to listen to my "daily Buddhist playlist" which had previously had a very calming effect on me.

In part this "breakdown"was due to living with a non-Buddhist roommate...but more so because she worked a different schedule than me and I allowed my insecurities about practising publically to stop me.
It also was related to a lot of stress from the workplace...When I was only dealing with a few negative people, I could talk myself into coping. But as more and more people came into my daily life and more of them became increasingly directly negative towards me, I lost it.
Being directly attacked triggers a terrible fight or fllight mechanism in me.
I cry when people fling harsh untrue words about me in my face.
I freak out when co-workers who break rules & lie & do very little at work get away with their antics and a good employee like myself is ostracized.
Not to mention all the daily negative energy of conservative hypo-Christians talking about the glory of killing innocent (insert any non-Christian religion here) in the name of "god"... Of being surrounded by people who glorify hunting for sport...and many other issues.
One on one, in small doses, I could actually look them in the eye and mentally say Om Mani Padme Hum...
But as their numbers increased and they banded together and I was dealing with several of them day in and day out, something in me broke.

I left South Dakota on 30 June, suddenly, without much planning. It had all ust become unbearable.
I have been spending most of my time since then online, alone (in the company of several very good cats).
I wasn't even able to think clearly about what I was "supposed" to be doing in my daily practice.

My shrine is all still packed away. I have not unpacked, because I will only be here another 8 days.
It was late last night, or maybe this morning, between bouts of sleep, when I began feeling like I could think about resuming any kind of daily practice.

For now, I am going to be very easy on myself.
I will listen to and chant a few mantras.
I will re-read the precepts.
I will do my best to develope a kind mindset. I always try to be kind and helpful and generous.
That is why I never understand when I am attacked for doing exactly that, for being a good person.
It is HARD to persevere when doing all the right things gets you into more trouble than being "bad".

My return to India is back in my sights...hopefully then, I will feel the joy that inspired me to take all this on in the first place.

Om tare tuttare ture soha.

It IS Called Practice, After All

2010-06-05T21:11:00.000-04:00

Due to lack of internet connectivity in my current living situation, it has been almost a full month since my last update. I have thought often about what I would write when this time came around, but am still unclear where I want this post to go.

Lately I have been reminding myself often, maybe even several times a day, that I have only been practicing Buddhism since mid-March. That prior to returning from India, I had no idea what the Four Noble Tryuths or Eightfold Path even were, let alone trying to internalize them and live them daily.

Since moving and starting this new job, I have had a variety successes and failures "using" the Buddhist path. I feel like I fail at least as often as I succeed.
Well, after all it IS called "practice".
How can I possibly expect myself to be perfect, especially after such a short time?

My main issues the past few weeks have been threefold:
1) living in a dorm w/150 people aged 18-85 from about 7 different (and diverse) countries
2) working day in day out w/those people in an atmosphere of "catty" gossip
3) my terrible chemical (probably hormonal) imbalances which sometimes ruin up to 14 days of each month

These three points have caused me to lose my mind in anger and frustration numerous times, recently. I have participated in gossiping, have had way too many malicious thoughts (never the intent of causing physical harm, but wishing bad things at others who hurt me), have shouted in anger, etc.
But I think I have hurt myself more than anyone else. And I genuinely feel bad about all of it.
It is just such an ingrained pattern, such a knee-jerk reaction. Especially the PMS-induced parts!
I have been doing a lot of practices aimed at purifying negative karma.

Just the past day or so, I have been able to calm my mind enough to think clearly about it for the first time in a few weeks.
I have gone back to simply saying the mantra which got me through most of my experience in India:
"It is what it is. It just IS. Accept. Allow. Let go. Breathe."
In this case, it sometimes goes like "____(person) is a (insert suitable negative term)" or "gossip just is a reality at work"... I don't like it. I am not required to like it. But I also need to remember, IN THAT MOMENT, there is nothing else, that I cannot change it by wishing or being angry.

I have been able to feel like a human being again.
Of course, the PMS portion of the show is over again for about the next 14 days...so we shall see how mcuh progress has actually been made once 17 June or so rolls around.

I am currently reading a variety of online articles by various Tibetan Buddhist teachers including HH the 14th Dalai Lama regarding how to deal with negative emotions and developing compassion.
At times I feel like I have achieved the mind of bodhicitta...even if it only lasts for a few minutes.

Of course, there's a whole new story! More often than not, when I say I truly wish happiness and peace for ALL beings, it means that I wish them all to learn and practice Buddhism so that there are no more conflicts for me to cope with!
Ego alert!
I am pretty sure this signifies a character flaw in myself, the wish for a better experience in my current life within samsara...
Karma is confusing to me. The idea that my current bad experiences are the result of negative karma created in the past, possibly even numerous lifetimes ago. It doesn't seem quite right.

And as I plow through all this confusion, I am determined to persevere. There have been moments when I at least felt like I absolutely "got it" and really aspired to become a bodhisattva, so I know that somewhere within me the potential remains, and that I must continue the journey...

Doing the Work

2010-05-02T12:34:00.000-04:00

These days I am offered plenty of opportunities to PRACTICE and do the work of living as a Buddhist. I have relocated to a new part of the country, started a new job, and am living in dorm-style company housing with a lot of new people.
I learn something new everyday. Often I quickly forget whatever I have learned and find myself relearning it the next day, over and over.
Mostly, I am working with the precepts. The Three Pure Precepts...The Five Layperson's Precepts...The Ten Mahayana Precepts. The book featured below is the one I am currently reading.

For me, on a minute by minute basis, the most difficult precept is Right Speech. Right speech means a lot of things. It means that the practitioner should try not to lie, try not to gossip, and try not to engage in idle conversation. This can also be phrased in a positive light...that we try to be honest and to say things which are helpful and useful.

Other aspects of this precept are that we should try not to speak of others' faults and mistakes. We should avoid blaming others. And we should avoid praising ourselves.
I never realized how difficult all these things were until I tried to get through a work day following the guidelines!
The guidelines are only that...guidelines. They are meant to help us create a world where beings can coexist peacefully. The precepts can be practiced by anyone of any religion.
The idea is to focus on our samenesses, not our differences.
Being kind, gentle, honest, helpful etc are all ways we can create an atmosphere of loving-kindness in our immediate environment.
Sometimes it is hard when the urge is to join a conversation and say things that make you "fit in" as part of the group, or to commiserate about a bad experience, or to lash out at someone whose negativity has disrupted the work place, and so forth.

Some things I am doing which may help others who are looking for ways to practice the precepts or simply to have a better daily experience (or which may prompt you to find your own methods):
*Whenever someone bugs me, I try to focus on his positive qualities. Granted, these are sometimes difficult to see, especially in the heat of the moment. But perhaps it is enough to say to yourself...this person is doing the best they can, perhaps they have never been taught another way of being/doing.
*I remind myself that everyone wants the same basic things...peace, happiness, food, shelter, love. We really do have more in common than not, regardless of religious beliefs or political ideologies.
*I remind myself that the goal is to create harmony, not to be right or to "win".
*I remind myself that I do not wish to do harm or add harm to a difficult situation.

Every day, I do not meet my own expectations. Sometimes (ok, often) I fail at the above. That is okay. The point is that we earnestly TRY. Every new moment is a new opportunity to do better.

I truly want to do whatever I can to make this world a better place for all beings, and so I will continue to work with the precepts!
I pray that my words may reach and inspire others to focus on making this world a better place for everyone!
I wish YOU peace and happiness!

Letter to the White House

2010-04-21T18:31:00.001-04:00

I am notoriously not well informed in the area of politics, and usually this doesn't bother me too much. Sometimes, though, it makes me feel like a simpleton.
But even the least of us has a right to express our opinion to our government, and so, with that in mind, I composed and sent this short letter to President Obama/The White House staff today:
:

"Dear Mr. President:
I am writing to you on behalf of myself, as well as my friends and former students, members of the Tibetan exile communities and their families who remain in Tibet.

In the wake of the recent earthquake in Kham, Tibet, we would like to request you, personally, and the United States government as a whole, to do whatever is in your power to address the situation regarding HH the Dalai Lama's wish to return to his homeland with the Chinese government.

This is a humanitarian issue. It pains me to know it is also a political one.

I appreciate your attention on this matter.
Thank you.

Sincerely,
Ms. Tammy Winand"

To all my readers
Feel free to share this link everywhere and anywhere and to add your own voices, no matter how small you feel they are!

Important Links Following TIBET Earthquake

2010-04-17T11:43:00.002-04:00

I feel very small and helpless these days in the wake of the Kham TIBET earthquake. I feel like I should be doing more to help, but in my own situation, all I can do is offer prayers and keep as many people as possible informed of what's happening by passing along relevant links.

Once again, my friend at Zen Dirt Zen Dust has compiled information on places offering assistance to earthquake victims. You can see his list here:
How to Aid Victims of the Tibetan Earthquake

I am trying to post links to all stories of merit on my twitter and facebook accounts.
The most important ones today are:
Dalai Lama seeks China's Permission to Visit Earthquake Victims
Message from HH Karmapa Ogyen Trinley Dorje to Quake Victims in both Tibetan and English
Newsweek Article on Quake's Coverage in China
and
To Die With Dignity in Your Own Land an amazing piece on Huffington Post regarding the quake and its aftermath.

Updated to add:
Images of Quake Aftermath Some of the most moving, detailed images I've come across regarding this incident.

Meanwhile, life must go on. I am in the midst of packing, wrapping up my time "off", and will be moving cross-country yet again this coming Tuesday for the seasonal job which will hopefully cover most of my expenses for my next trip (currently slated for early September) to volunteer with the Tibetan exile community in McleodGanj, where my heart lies.

I plan to post a new entry regarding my travels along the Buddhist path once I am settled in my new "home".

As always, my thoughts and prayers are with the Tibetans and all those working on their behalf.
May all beings be happy and at peace.
_/\_

The following video is from Al Jazeera English language. The monks' names have been Sinocized, but it offers a view of what is going on in Kham.

Major Earthquake in Kham, Tibet

2010-04-14T14:48:00.000-04:00

Please hold the people of Tibet and their families, no matter where they are, in your hearts and prayers at this time.
A 6.9 magnitude earthquake struck Jiegu, Kyigudo (Yushu Co. or Prefecture in Chinese) in Kham Province Wednesday morning local time in Tibet.
At this time, official sources are saying there are 400 dead and 10,000 injured but unofficial local sources are saying numbers are much higher.
It is notoriously difficult to get accurate information out of Tibetan areas from Chinese state controlled media.

I wanted to offer a list of links for info for those who are interested or who need it. Here are the latest articles on major news sources and relevant agencies for Tibetans. (the color may not change but these ARE links)
CNN coverage
BBC coverage
Times of India newspaper coverage
Phayul
Office of HH Dalai Lama
Zen Dirt Zen Dust blog compilation of articles
Tibet Net Official Website of Tibet's Govt in Exile

For those who have asked, all my friends live in exile in north India and were not directly affected, thankfully. However, I do have many acquaintances from Kham, and am not in touch with them to know whether their families were affected, so of course we hold ALL of Tibet and all Tibetans throughout the world in our thoughts, hearts, and prayers.

_/\_

53 Days and Counting

2010-04-09T21:49:00.002-04:00

Just a brief reminder that my fundraiser to return to teach English to Tibetan exiles in north India ends in 53 days and I still have $3762 to raise to reach my goal.

I have added new backer reward incentives.

If I do not top the $4000 goal NONE of the pledge money will be awarded!
Thank you so much for your help.

Bodhicitta and Beyond

2010-04-01T13:51:00.001-04:00

This is going to be one of my most difficult posts yet...to write, at any rate.
[note: this post is intended mostly for my non-Buddhist readers who wonder what exactly is going on with me right now, and who are not familiar with what Buddhism teaches. I am not intending to "convert" anyone, just shed some light.]

Most of you know I haven't been a Buddhist that long, technically speaking. In fact, I am a newcomer to it since my recent exposure to Tibetan culture, and as per my previous post am only just beginning an actual study and practice of Buddhism.
However, even before taking refuge I already had Buddhist tendencies/leanings, I guess you could say.

The things which bother me (and have since my teens) most about Christianity (my own upbringing) are:
1) Lack of accountability for your own actions (it never ceased to amaze me that many who claim to be Christians really believe you can sin and simply say a prayer,likely half-hearted, and that makes whatever you did ok- at least in your own mind). Buddhists seem to me to tend to examine karma more closely...at least serious ones who are truly interested in a higher rebirth. I am actually more likely to behave properly, morally, as a Buddhist than I ever did when I was a Christian.

2) Seeing so many Christians NOT follow the teachings of Christ (which I guess ties in with the above). I hated listening to talk of converting heathens. I hated seeing politicians use Christian doctrine. I hated knowing that over the past 2000 odd years that more people have been slaughtered in the name of Christ than I care to think about. I saw that the church was not Christ and was shocked that no one else in my otherwise fairly intelligent immediate circle seemed to catch on to that, too. I lost friends when I tried to explain to them that Islam also teaches non-violence and that there are as many Christian radicals as Muslim terrorists.

Then I read today's post at Sweep the Dust, Push the Dirt, a blog by a Zen Buddhist online acquaintance, which actually prompted me to write this post.

So, as it IS related (ie the above complaints would be less of an issue provided everyone knew about the items below), I wanted to talk about bodhicitta...metta...and beyond. I honestly believe everyone can, and should, follow these guidelines, because the teachings are not at all limited to Buddhism (well, except bodhicitta).

Bodhicitta: the wish to attain enlightenment so as to reincarnate repeatedly to help all other sentient beings attain enlightenment. (hey look! a wiki on How to Cultivate Bodhicitta!)
Of course I cannot claim to have total bodhicitta motivation. I'm not sure anyone can. We are not perfect. Every now and again ( we think of our own needs, our own comforts, in this life.
But I DO strongly wish for peace, and for permanent world peace to happen, all sentient beings must become enlightened.
So I endeavor to remind myself repeatedly and to practice...

Metta: loving-kindness...a pure selfless compassion for all other beings as based on the notion that, via eons of reincarnations, all other beings have at one time been our mothers (some say think "mothers, friends, lovers"). Meaning, we act kindly towards anything living (even insects) because we know we are intimately connected. Everything has its place and purpose. Harming any other beings is harmful to ourselves, to humankind as a whole, and to the planet.

Metta also involves Right Speech and Right Action, which fall under the Buddhist Precepts (or moral code of conduct, if you will).
Right Speech means that we are honest. We do not lie. But it goes far beyond that. It also means that we do not speak out of anger or with the intent of hurting any other living being. We do not gossip or talk about anyone behind his back. And we avoid "idle talk" about useless topics (and yes, these are really hard to follow, because if taken literally it would mean we pretty much shouldn't say anything at all...which is a recommended part of it, according to Buddha Sakyamuni).
Right Action means we do not intentionally kill (another person, animal, or insect). We do not intentionally cause injury or suffering to any other sentient being. We do not steal...interpreted as meaning never to take anything not freely given to you. We avoid sexual misconduct (and this is open to a wide range of interpretations which I won't go into in detail) mostly meaning not to cause any harm by our sexual deeds (ie no rape, no extramarital affairs, no sex with minors, no suggestive behavior w/monks or nuns...you get the idea)

There are many places on the web to read much more about these concepts. I started with About Buddhism and followed links until I was satisfied!

I am really far from perfect. I eat meat. I have to try really REALLY hard not to kill ant colonies in my kitchen...no matter how hard I try, I can't envision them as my mother and do not feel loving-kindness for them! I get upset when I am attacked...but fortunately I am increasingly less likely to respond out of anger these days!
I hope I don't come across as preachy.
I have to remind myself through my own words on the subject that I need to think about these topics and try harder every day!

Wanna learn more about Bodhicitta?! (see left)

I also highly recommend reading any and all works by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.

Stuck at the Beginning

2010-03-28T12:51:00.001-04:00

I have been feeling "stuck", the past few days.

After my recent life-changing travels through India, most of which I spent volunteering in the Tibetan exile community of McleodGanj, I came back to the USA feeling grateful for a chance to rest and recoup.

Almost immediately, I began reading everything I could get my hands on regarding beginning practice in Tibetan Buddhism.

Let me back track a wee bit:

Living in McleodGanj (aka Dharamsala, exile home of the Dalai Lama) was a daily immersion in Tibetan Buddhism, and yet I never "studied" or read anything while there. I floated around in various stages of "enlightenment", carried by the incredible vibes swirling around the Himalayan foothills...Chanting emanated from monasteries as I walked Kora and spun prayer wheels and learned how to use my mala and do my own mantras.

I sat, on different occasions, within a few yards of HH the 14th Dalai Lama, swept away by unseen unheard waves of energy.

I had amazing insights and grew, spiritually, in leaps and bounds.

Leaving the Tibetan community was heart-breaking, and I have vowed to get back ASAP to do whatever I can for them, as well as continue my own journey.

When I arrived back in America, after nearly 5 days recovering from jet-lag, I began ordering Tibetan Buddhism books, book-marking every Buddhist website I could find.

At first it was more like intellectual learning, trying to get my head around what I had just experienced.

I wanted to know what all those red-robed monks knew that made them radiate pure light from their glowing faces.

I learned the Four Noble Truths, read and re-read the Eightfold Path, memorized The Three Pure Precepts and the Five Precepts... I read articles and essays on "metta", and pondered whether true "bodhicitta" is possible.

I froze, however, at the idea of "meditation". I am notoriously scatter-brained, have been called ADHD.

Mindfulness? On rare occasion.

Oh I SIT plenty.

I sit on my rear-end and my mind goes all over the universe.

Letting go of attachments? Ummmm...not so much. In fact, I happen to quite like my sentimental nature. I've been known to wallow in memories and longings. It has driven most of my creative work for the past 30 years.

Last night, as I was reading, I simply hit a wall. I could not grasp a single concept. Mind, no mind...self, no self...

I just kept thinking, "WTF?" Seriously.

And maybe that's the point. Maybe an intellectual study of all of this is not important. Maybe, at least for now, it's okay to simply follow the precepts as best as I can.

My own phrasing of what I learned in McleodGanj, written at the top of several journal pages:
It is what it is. It just is. Accept. Allow. Let go. Repeat.

I giggle to myself as I realize my own impatience for progress.
How can I measure "progress"? I have been practicing for less than 3 weeks, "officially". The fact that I am looking for progress may indicate a lack thereof!

The only progress I am sure of is that I am more likely to consider the karmic weight of thoughts before they turn into actions, whereas before I tended to act out of passion and think after doing so.
And that is pretty amazing in itself, really.

Yes, I am hungry to continue on the path.

The Path Evolves

2010-03-20T10:50:00.002-04:00

It has been eleven days and a lifetime since I returned to the USA. Life is good. I finally readjusted to a normal sleep cycle and am eating fairly healthy again after battling extreme fatigue and some kind of mild illness the first several days I was back.
And so now life goes on. Is going on.

What is the next step? That's something I ask myself fairly regularly, sometimes several times a day.

I have begun a study, and practice, of Buddhism. It started as a way to understand more of what I saw in McleodGanj. What did certain things represent? What did it MEAN? Why did they do THAT?
I learned the major differences between Tibetan Buddhism (meaning Vajrayana) and other paths/schools.

And then I began again from the beginning. What IS Buddhism? What are the basic beliefs, and how should a Buddhist act? Buddhism is mind-boggling, at once the most simple of paths, and yet the most complex, especially for a westerner whose only previous concepts of spirituality and behavior were based on Christianity.
I am at once passionate about and deeply perplexed by Buddhism. And yet it feels right to me, if only because it was the framework amidst which I had this life-changing experience. If only because it teaches exactly the lessons I most need to learn, about loving and letting go, about kindness and compassion...

So I endeavor to read about it everyday from a research perspective, learning terms, as well as reading from the teachings of Buddha. Yesterday I slowly slowly started The Dhammapada. I laughing tweeted that I wish there was a plain English Dhammapada for Dummies, as I have never been good at finding the "right" meaning in ancient or translated texts. Usually what I think they mean and what the scholars tell me they mean are radically different. Sigh.
But then, isn't that part of this whole experience?
Buddhism is not cast in stone. As I understand it, each student/practitioner applies the teachings to his own experience, although the ultimate goal of becoming a boddhisatva (at least in the Mahayana schools) remains constant.

Simply put, to me, Buddhism means: being in the moment (which I have ALWAYS struggled with and no doubt will continue to resist) and being kind to all other living beings. It means recognizing that I am a potential Buddha and you are a potential Buddha and (to be a little silly) even that Republicans and criminals are potential Buddhas!
I have so many questions and hope they never stop! I want to devote the rest of my life to this. And so the intellectual study also becomes practice.

While I confess, I have issues with the term "meditation", and have never "sat" as Zen Buddhists do, I am learning that to some extent even chanting Om Mani Padme Hum or using my hand held prayer wheel
is a form of meditation.
I have, if only to myself, taken refuge.

Every day I learn something more about Buddhism, about myself, about life.
And so the path evolves.

As the book recommended here says, we are a long way from Tibet, a long way from the Tibetan community in India. But that is okay. I had to leave them to learn certain lessons and accomplish certain things. I do feel we will be together again soon, if it is meant to be, if it is our karma.

On that note, I would like to insert a quick project update for my fundraiser, "Teaching English, Learning Life with Tibetan Refugees"
To date I have received $187 in pledges towards returning to McleodGanj in mid-September to continue my volunteer work and studies. That leaves 74 days to reach the ultimate goal of $4000 USD, which will cover all my expenses including airfare to/from north India.
Please understand, while in the USA, I am technically homeless. I have worked seasonal jobs for the past several years. These jobs provide housing as well as meals, which are both deducted from pay. This does not leave a lot left over. I have been unable to find stable full-time employment outside these seasonal jobs.
Now that my volunteer work with the Tibetans has become so important to me, I need YOUR help to make it happen!
Even if you can only pledge $1, that dollar helps. Your money will be working for good in this world!
Thank you.

One last note: I've been somewhat sad that there are no Tibetan Buddhist centers where I'm currently staying, and only two centers at all, that I can find. I miss being in the sangha I found in McleodGanj and really wanted that sense of community, of fellow Buddhists/seekers here in the US.
Well, we had lunch at a Thai restaurant yesterday. I felt an immediate connection with the hostess/waitress. We talked a little before she brought our food. As I was getting ready to leave, I knew I had to show my gratitude and respect with the lotus-bud gesture/mini-bow (I have not learned the term for this) which acknowledges the Buddha-within. When I did it, her face lit up with joy and astonishment. She burst out with a few sentences in Thai which unfortunately I did not understand, and she seemed to be telling her Thai friend/co-worker what I had done.
I felt like crying, not from sorrow but from joy. Clearly, I am not alone. The sangha is not limited to McleodGanj, nor to Tibetans. Nor even to Asians, or to face-to-face. As the days progress, I look forward to meeting other travelers on this path, whether face-to-face or online, regardless of age or race or language.

Life is good, and everything IS as it should be.

I Am SO Blessed

2010-03-13T07:13:00.000-05:00

I am shouting a big THANK YOU to the universe because I know that I am so truly deeply blessed.
First, because I got to HAVE the experience I just had in India working with Tibetan refugees.
Second, because it has inspired me and motivated me to work on creative pursuits like nothing I can remember in my life.
And, third, last but not least, because the experience, and talking about it, and knowing I need to get back to do it again, has connected me with the most amazing, kind, generous people all around the world who are concerned about the issue of Tibet and Tibetans and are helping me in so many ways as I endeavor to raise funds to return to McleodGanj no later than October of this year (hopefully sooner).
So, thank you universe, and thank you beautiful souls!

With the help of angel Deb Lauman (aka ramkitten), whom I have known on twitter, Squidoo, and in person (not all at the same time!), I discovered a website called Kickstarter which helps people fund projects of all kinds. (Deb is currently funding a project which takes her to Nepal to work with Search & Rescue Dogs in the Himalayas.)
I quickly joined the site and created my project, titled "Teaching English, Learning Life with Tibetan Refugees".
In less than 24 hrs I have received $135 in pledges towards my $4000 goal! YES!
However, the "catch" with Kickstarter is that you have to reach your total goal in order to receive ANY of the pledge money...which means I have 81 days remaining to raise the rest.
That means I need to raise, on average, $50/day until the project deadline (mid-June).

This morning I have been deeply honored to be featured by fellow artist, Zazzler, and online friend Cherie, which has featured my project on her blog, Cheries Arts & Crafts. She is a wonderfully talented artist herself, and has been more than kind and supportive of me in this (as well as other) endeavors.

Life is good, and I am glad to be in it. And THAT is amazing in itself.

The End...is Just the Beginning

2010-03-09T00:36:00.000-05:00

Thirteen hours from now the 777 will depart from Mumbai and I will look down and watch India vanish as thought it had never been real.
Of course I am filled with strange mixed emotions. Mostly right now I am relieved. The past week in Mumbai has not been difficult. I am looking forward to trivial but comforting familiar things from my US home...a long bath, a nice steak, a stable fast internet connection so I can really do some work...the love of a few great cats...phone calls to my mom and long hours ensconced in bookstore cafes!

Sometimes it feels like none of the past 5 months ever happened.
But I know they did...and not because I have photos or journals or souvenirs.

I know they happened because my soul was touched, my life was changed. I know it was real because I am not the same woman who arrived here at the end of October 2009.
I know because I am connected by invisible threads to so many other beautiful souls whose lights illuminate my darkness and shine out into the world. We will be forever connected, no matter where on the planet we may be.
Some may stay in touch through facebook or emails while others seem quietly hidden...but they will still be there, whether they write or call or not...and I will hold them inside my heart until we meet again, if that is indeed our karma.

My work is just beginning as I look for new and more ways to publicize and support the situation of Tibet and the Tibetan exiles whose lives touched mine. I am creating products for my online shops, the earnings from all of which are now ear-marked for my return trip. I will research fund-raising and holding talks and events to educate others...I am hoping to work with at least one teacher to help educate her 6th grade class.
I am also reaching out to local print & tv media in the areas where I'll be living in the hopes that I can get them interested in covering some aspect of the situation, even if not by directly interviewing me re: my experience as a volunteer.
There are many options and opportunities and I now know the universe is going to connect me to the people and events which I need, when the time is right.

I am thankful for all of this. For the pain, the confusion, the failures and the triumphs. Every new thing, every new lesson...All the difficulties of life in north India (squat toilets, "no lights" power outages, no heat, etc).
I would not trade the past 5 months for anything.

And I know in my bones that I will be back. This IS my life, McleodGanj IS my home, this is my passion and my calling.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me by reading this blog, by messaging me on my social networks, to all who comforted me in times of confusion and doubt.
Thank you to everyone who has purchased (or will purchase) products from my shops or will make a donation to support my return to continue my volunteer work.
You are precious.

And so while today marks the end of this trip to India, it is only the beginning.
The sacred sojourn which named this blog is by no means complete.
I will continue to post when related soul journey insights occur, and of course whenever there is news concerning my return to my heart's home.

Withdrawal...and a note on Validity (or something like that)

2010-03-05T23:36:00.000-05:00

Five days have passed since I left Mcleod...but it feels like a lifetime.

And now I am starting to have "weird" physical symptoms. Weird to me, anyway, because I'm not sure what's going on.
It could be as simple as coming from the Himalayan foothills down to the coast in Mumbai (altitude change).
Or because all the food and water is different.
Or because the psychic energies which swirl around Mcleod are absent, here...
The symptoms? General achiness and malaise, and lately bad stomach pains.
I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sit or lie around. I am tired in my body and my soul.
I want to be on familiar ground with familiar routines and comforts. When I say familiar, I mean one of two things...the familiarity of my place in the US, or the familiarity of my place in Mcleod.
I am missing my friends, I am missing the comforts of seeing the same sights and hearing the same sounds and being welcome.

I also feel a bit over-whelmed at all the work I want to do over the coming months. I have websites to build regarding the issues which are most important to me. I have so much reading/research to do regarding Tibetan Buddhism...more in depth study of the situation of the Tibetans, in general.

Just a note, for anyone who has been reading the heated comments left by "spirit" on my previous posts:
There is clearly a lot of controversy over the issue of the Tibetan exiles. I am not an expert on the legal or political situation. In fact, I freely admit that I did not get involved in those aspects at all.
My personal experience was learning life lessons from the most beautiful people I have ever met.
Yes, clearly there are those who are taking advantage of the system, abusing their privileges. But that happens everywhere. In the US, many families live "high off the hog" on welfare and do not really need it, while others who are desperately in need can barely get the necessary aide.
I know what is true for me, I know what is true for the people I worked with.
I am NOT responsible for those who are abusing the system, nor do I condone their behavior.
I DO know that there are many who need help, and not just of the financial sort. They deserve to receive an education, to be given the chance to find employment (there are so few opportunities for this is Mcleod).
They need to know that they are not forgotten, that their beautiful culture is valued and worth saving.
Not everyone can help every cause.
I know only what is important to ME.

I breathe in, I breathe out. I let it go. I will not try to convince those who cannot be convinced, nor will I argue with those who are angry. They have their own causes, equally important, and I pray they will make a difference.

I will be back in the US on Wednesday.
The next phase of this journey is already forming, though I do not know where the road will take me or exactly when.
But this most sacred sojourn has only just begun.

Mumbai...Integrating the Experince

2010-03-04T10:06:00.000-05:00

I arrived back in Mumbai on the night of 2 March. Arriving at the airport, a phone call from my friend notified me he was not coming to the airport to meet me as expected.
I was disappointed, but not bent out of shape or terrified as I would have been had this happened 4 months ago.
So I collected my bags and decided to check out a pre-paid taxi.
300 rupees later, I clutched my receipt and navigated the queue out front without a lot of difficulty. It took what felt like forever to get out of the airport car park but at last we were whipping through the Mumbai night.

What struck me most as we rolled at a decent speed through the city was that...it did not seem as strange or crazy or frightening as it all had when I landed at the airport the first time, arriving from the USA in late October 2009.
In fact, it seemed pretty average. I can't believe I just wrote that!
I kept track of location by reading bank branch signs... Had my friend called to ask, I wanted to say, in my twisted humor, "I'm at the corner of Amitab Baichan and Shah Rukh Khan" (two Bollywood megastars whose faces are EVERYWHERE on billboards as well as tv and film). HAHAHA
Shops and temples sailed by...
Then I saw the Breach Candy bank branch and knew we were getting close. As we veered off to the right, I suddenly actually recognized the neighborhood.
I was able to give the taxi driver exact directions from there...although it was more gesturing as my Hindi and his English were pretty much equal at...virtually none.

India India India.

Hard to explain the mindset I've been in ever since getting back. The apartment here is posh, in India terms. I took the longest hot shower I'd had since I could remember. I slept with a sheet under a ceiling fan instead of two blankets and a space heater. I ate Domino's pizza and drank white wine and laughed over how much I've changed.
I do not feel threatened by the curious stares, anymore. In fact, there don't even seem to BE any curious stares. Maybe I have just learned to look past them?
Today we went to the grocery...the same grocery which seemed dangerous and complicated during my first week here. It was...routine. Absolutely normal.
I have said it before and I will say it again.
My life will never be the same.

I have cried, but not a lot. Mainly when I get an email or a facebook chat or a phone call from someone in Mcleod. I miss them more than anything but I am somehow applying the lessons of acceptance and letting go that I learned there.
Life is good. Everything is as it should be.

I am focusing on life NOW. On working on projects both online and off which will help get me back to my heart's home in the Himalayas quickly.
My goal is to be back and teaching English conversation to the Tibetan refugees again before October...hopefully by late August.

Please check out the links below to see what I am working on:
Tibet in Exile
Tibetan Buddhist Prayer Wheels
and
Support for Tibet

As all my work in McleodGanj is self-funded and completely voluntary, I appreciate anyone who would like to make a donation to contact me for my PayPal information!

State of Shock

2010-03-02T02:00:00.000-05:00

Quite frankly, I have gone numb.
I am sitting in the Delhi Airport waiting for a flight back to Mumbai which is still nearly 6 hours from boarding.
I am exhausted.
The bus ride down from McleodGanj was not horrible, but I cannot say it was "comfortable", and I may have had 4 hours of intermittent light sleep (dozing is more accurate) while sitting partially erect, head occasionally flopping off to the left.

I do have to say, the full moon over the Himalayan foothills and the soft pink glow of the peaks made my heart swell.
And the line of lights that is McleodGanj, strung out along the hillside as we descended towards Lower Dharamsala...even remembering it now brings on a feeling I cannot describe (and you know how I love to describe).

So the full moon sailed over India and the bus chanted mantras all the way to Chandigarh...gears exactly the same timbre as the low monks' chanting emanating from temples and monasteries...

Two Bollywood films played at the beginning of the journey, and then we stopped for dinner. I ordered one naan...one stinkin NAAN (a simple tortilla like bread)...and of about 40 people present, I was served dead last, and almost missed my bus!
I think this was the universe reminding me of the lessons I learned (started to learn, apparently) in McleodGanj.
Either that, or it was "farewell Dhasa (Little Tibet)" and welcome back to India.
Back on the road, "Law Abiding Citizen" was popped in the DVD and played til after midnight.

There were then a few hours of quiet. On the plains, moonlight pierced a thin veil of smog, silhouetting tall leafless trees rising against a flat blue backdrop.

We stopped at a seedy Indian bus stand where the toilet watchman wasn't letting me get away with not paying the 2 rupee fee (I don't even think there is a US equivilent for 2 rupees, it's so low)...so I had to run back to the bus across the dirt through a crowd of leering Indian men...joy. Well, perhaps an American woman wearing a salwar, a khata, and Tibetan Buddhist prayer beads running with toilet roll in her hand was simply too much for them to comprehend!

At 4am, like clockwork, the bus drivers decided it was morning and Hindi music pervaded the coach, along with groaning from numerous seats.
My seat-mate, 70 year old Australian adventurer Pammy, disembarked along with most of the Tibetan passengers at Manju ka Tilla (the Tibetan colony in Delhi). I stayed on with maybe 5 other passengers bound for ISBT.

ISBT...the thought of it made me shudder. My only other experience with it was arriving from Jaipur after dark way back in late November. I remembered a huge, bustling, crowded, incomprehensible terminal with no signs in English and no English speaking help.
This stop? We were unceremoniously put out on the side of the road amidst a swirl of auto-rickshaws, drivers virtually grabbing luggage from travelers, shouting "Rikshaw? Auto rikshaw? Hotel? Airport?" My attempts at speaking full English sentences with them failed...again. "Airport? Domestic? Ek sau pachas?! (150)"
Oh hahahaha madam.
Ok fine I'll pay you the freaking 300 rupees just get me out of here! Two young local girls piled in with me and my bags and we careened off into the Delhi sunrise.

I could not see much out the "window", especially covered as it was by a whipping tarp which reeked of urine. I remember seeing the Air Force base and, as we neared the airport, a huge expanse of what looked like really nice apartments...until I realized that the entire expanse was abandoned. Pink and golden light filtered over the scene, softly high-lighting empty windows and what were once streets now filling in with weeds and dust. A bit surreal.

So now I sit in the waiting area of terminal 1D, having stuffed myself on KFC (yes, that's right, KFC) and black currant ice cream, having bought an Elle Decor India magazine which I'm saving for the flight...people watching, uploading pics, killing time...

And mostly fighting off feeling. I cannot allow myself to really think about the past 48 hours, yet. About all the beautiful, kind, loving souls who came with me to the bus station to send me off, even ones who were going through emotional trauma much greater than my own...
I am incredibly blessed.

I am loved. I belong. I have a home in the Himalayas, and people eagerly awaiting my return.

THAT is what I came to find, halfway around the world from where I started. I never dreamed I would find it in INDIA, in a Himalayan hillside community where many of the people can only speak to one another with their EYES for lack of words in one another's languages...and where EYES speak far louder and more clearly than words...

Observations, a February compilation

2010-02-24T21:58:00.000-05:00

(the following is another compilation, this time culled from journal entires made between 12-24 February 2010)

The Tibetan cook at Moonpeak Thali is catching large black flies from inside the restaurant and releasing them out from the balcony. Kindness to all beings… Lovely. True spirit of McleodGanj.
I am shocked when the Indian guy who minds the host/cashier/desk, with whom I have been chatting amiably my past few visits, speaks to Tashi in Tibetan…and I chime in with a Tibetan comment of my own.
What a masala! We are American, Hindi, Tibetan…all of us speaking in a strange mix of the three languages…
I am trying, perhaps a little too hard, to get down my thoughts on what it is like to be here. Why? I feel like there is some danger of losing it when I leave.
Maybe I really feel afraid I will lose myself (again) when I leave, afraid I will lose the beauty of what has awoken inside me.
I am not the same woman who came here in the end of November (not even three full months ago?)

Strange how easily and casually strangers from western countries become companions, here. Something to do with comfort zones, common language, or safety in numbers, no doubt.
Just when you think you are going to be alone, abandoned, someone unexpected “rescues” you! YAY and thankfulness for that.

This life is so strange. I have called so many places HOME and yet I have never been at home…not since I was about 12 years old.
I have lost everything…but mostly I have lost myself. I have no idea who I am. I keep looking for me in weird places. I have looked in England, Scotland, Ireland, France…I have looked in India and in this Tibetan refugee community. I have found pieces of myself everywhere, but the whole is still missing…Who am I?
I am still lost and confused.

It’s a very funny thing. I always talk about how much I am going to miss people, even places. But the truth is, what I really miss is myself.
I lost myself when I was so young.
I moved so often, surrounded by so many new people and experiences, that I never really developed an identity.
I think I am a poet, a writer, a gardener, a cat lover who loves to color. I think I am a home maker who enjoys cooking and decorating and doing the laundry.
But I live so far away from myself…running here, running there, like the world might end, like there is never enough time. I always “have to” see another set of ruins or learn another language before it is too late.
I will run around in circles until I come back to my center and can breathe, again.

I am simply lost and lonely and searching for grace. I long for a second chance at innocence. I want forgiveness and salvation and I want to be chosen and I want to GET IN.
I am always afraid of god, always afraid of going to hell. Christian hell, Buddhist hell. All hell‘s terrify me. Deep inside, I feel like an eternal sinner. I have done things which I must account for. I have been accounting for them for years. Perhaps I will be accounting for them forever.
“I believe in you“, all my friends have told me this week, as I express a multitude of fears. Why do they have such faith in me when I cannot?

Things are changing. And change is good. But change is also frightening because I do not know what lies on the other side. I know McleodGanj. I know my way around, I know all the places I want to go, I know so many people here, I know what to say in Tibetan and Hindi in enough situations that I do not feel like a foreigner.
But I do not know what will happen next. I do not know who (myself included) will say or do what between now and Monday evening. So I cling to routines…to familiar places. I walk slowly through the shortcut listening to the morning sounds from the monastery, watching young monks play karom~pa. I ignore Indian beggars and slap donkeys and cows on the rear to get them out of my path.

The world is full of joy and secrets this first week of spring. Perhaps the fact that it is spring is making it all the harder to leave. Mostly what I’m working on is getting through the day. Hour by hour, I get through each day, and each day slides away, bringing me closer and closer to Friday Pizza Night, to my Saturday farewell party, to my wait at the bus station on Monday evening…

Something incredible is building up inside me. I am afraid I may have to climb to Triund and HOWL down the mountainside all night to release it.
Maybe it is the old parts of me dying that are making these sounds.

His Holiness returns from America today and there are special ceremonies continuing at the Main Temple, across the street from the cafe where I post these entries.
I wish the young staff at One Two would turn OFF the obnoxious modern dance music they are playing this morning and let the sound of the monks' chanting resonate through the morning air...

Resistance and Release

2010-02-24T02:57:00.000-05:00

Five days from now I will be leaving my heart's home.
I am experiencing the strangest blend of resistance and release.
I am trying to act like nothing is about to change...denial. And yet, I accept that it just is what it is and I am not going to rush around trying to do and see MORE.
There are fire poojas going on at His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama's Main Temple, here on what I've come to call "the corner of holiness and nowhere" (from where I write, at a wifi cafe overlooking life on the edge of the Himalayan foothills).
But instead of attending, instead of being curious, I stay in the cafe secure with my caramel latte and warm banana cake, uploading pics and interacting with my various social networks (both online and off).
This is my safe place. It is my home inside this town, having replaced LIT when we had our winter closure.

School is re-opened, now, just since yesterday. I had been looking forward to things getting "back to normal", meaning, back to the way they were earlier in my stay, when there was a comfortable routine.
But of course that is impossible.
Life is not static.
Even in the 5 (6?) weeks since then, so much has changed, internally and externally.
(the pooja must have ended...a stream of red-robed monks is flowing out of the temple, up temple Rd and into the short-cut to Jogibara Rd...some of my friends included...)
Some days they look at me, maybe look FOR me, they wave and smile and yet...they keep their distance. THIS has hurt. Yes, we are from different worlds. Yes, I am their "teacher"...but oh how I also long to be their friend, to be included, to be able to walk and talk with them as if language and culture did not divide us)...
That is the resistance part.

The release? Knowing in some part of my soul that everything IS as it should be and that what will be will be.
I learn that and forget every few days and have to remember...over and over and over.

I release the need to rush around and try to grasp at people and places and things...maybe partly because of the above, or party because I know in my soul that I will be back.
It seems like a long long time between leaving and returning and yet...I will hold everyone and everything alive in my heart and if it is my karma I'll be back before October!

January-February Compilation

2010-02-20T23:29:00.000-05:00

(compiled from journal notes taken over the past month. Apologies in advance for any repetitions and disjointedness… )

Especially as my last week in McleodGanj (for this visit) begins, I often stand and stare out over the valley and mountains beyond and fall into a reverie…

I do not ever want to forget this time, these views, these feelings. No matter how much I look at the scenery, it seems almost mystical. I am not sure it would be engraved on my memory if I never came here again and somehow lost my photos…
What will I remember? The terraced hillsides, multi-colored buildings climbing haphazardly up steep slopes, the greens and yellows of unknown plants blooming the last 10 days of January, the way Triund and the peaks seemed to vanish and reappear from clouds, the brown rocky gashes where heavy rains carved down the slopes, dirt trails winding along the mountains’ contours…Indian villagers in multi-colored garments carrying baskets of stone or guiding their herds of goats and cattle…and most of all I will cling to the memory of Tibetan Buddhist monks with blood red robes wrapped and draped or flapping in the wind as they walk…
Why do those robes make me feel this way? I have a strong sense of sorrow and loss…Was I a monk or nun in some past life? Is that why I long to be around those shining round faces, why I feel so connected to their vibe? Did we walk arm in arm or lean on one another in some past life as we debated philosophy? Is that why I get such an intense feeling of longing and fascination when Geshe-la makes his debate gestures? Is that why I feel like I recognize Sakaya? Is that why I feel so incredibly sad when I think about leaving them? Is that why the chants mesmerize me?

I go through dramatic emotional shifts. I feel like I cannot stay here then like I cannot go back to America. I feel like I will never feel “right”…I have glimpsed what I have been missing since childhood, and I cannot bear to give it up again, and I cannot bear to be here as a foreigner always on the outside looking in. I want what they’ve got, emotionally speaking…They all look so carefree. They all seem happy in spite of everything.
I have many “things” and nothing to which I am spiritually connected or accepted by.
I feel like I cannot do this another minute and yet I feel like I cannot leave.

And yet I WILL leave, in only 9 days. On the 10th day I will arrive back in Mumbai to a totally different world. I hope Titu understands and allows me a full day to get my head around being there…Or would it perhaps be better for me to leap fully back into life, there? To take the taxi to Colaba and shop and not be afraid of India like I was when I first got here…

I feel like even with all I have said in these pages, that there is SO much I have left unsaid. I feel like I have forgotten to write about many amazing moments, both deep and humorous.
One day there will be a book, if I can ever figure out how to put it together.
How to reconcile the hilarity and absurdity and amazing spirituality of all of this…

I cannot bear the thought of leaving these people. How can I explain to them that my life has been so lonely, that it has been years since I felt this close to anyone? How can I tell them that I will miss their companionship and openness and joking every single day? That my heart will feel so empty being so far away from them?
I love them all. I love every single one of them in some very deep powerful way. I love them selfishly AND unselfishly. I love them and I set them free. Letting them go their own way, not pursuing them…THAT is when they most want to be around me.
So…off with you, then, go do whatever it is you do when you are not “studying”. Your appeal does not lessen, it actually increases. You are like exotic wild animals…beautiful and mysterious and always a little out of reach. And like wild animals, they are fun to watch, but you cannot keep them in cages, you cannot tame them.
Sometimes I am afraid of people because I am afraid of myself…I am afraid I am a freak. I am afraid they will see something in me that is unforgivable.

I want to transform this experience into BEAUTIFUL writing.
I want to write poetry and literature and somehow capture the essence of what it means to be here, changing my life, living loving and learning NOW…

How I will never forget:
Walking in the rain in the Himalayan foothills without an umbrella…being connected to all these other souls even though we do not speak the same language…
Learning to love without expectations…Learning how to let go…learning and forgetting and relearning…Learning forgiveness…and re-learning innocence… Trying to breathe and say IT JUST IS, IT IS WHAT IT IS, and everything is as it should be.
I mean, I am pretty blessed, right? I need to stop wanting MORE and enjoy what I HAVE…Sometimes it all seems so simple.

**India is quite possibly the strangest place on the planet.
10pm? Steam shovel? No problem.
Midnite? Welding? No problem.
5am? rooftop Bollywood party? Sure!
Unless, of course, it is something which actually NEEDS done, in which case…good luck.
“SYSTEMATIC CHAOS” Titu calls it when I tell him the above…
I have resorted to shaking my head. There is no point in resistance.
It really is just what it is.
I no longer hate it. I do not love it…but I accept it. I have made some kind of peace with it.
In some strange way, McleodGanj is really starting to feel like home.
I have friends here. I have PLACES. I am accepted…or at least tolerated.
I have come to belong.

Even though I know I will be back, leaving is going to rip me apart.

Geshe Lobsang Gyaltsen's Story

2010-02-12T08:30:00.000-05:00

(NOTE: Geshe-la is one of my students. He has a sharp wit, a quick mind, a great sense of humor and a kind heart. I am constantly awed to be in his presence. My life has been deeply blessed to be touched by his. The above photo is of one of our English conversation lessons at LIT, Learning and Ideas for Tibet)

Geshe Lobsang Gyaltsen, a Doctor of Buddhist Philosophy, chose to become a monk at the age of 15, in 1987. He speaks to a group of international travelers at L.I.T., Learning and Ideas for Tibet, a non-profit organization which supports a Free Tibet, about events related to his arrest and torture at the hands of the Chinese.

He became a monk at the age of 15. Roughly two years later, he became involved in a campaign for human rights, free Tibet, and awareness of related issues.

In 1989, he says, the Chinese came to interrogate monks at his monastery on issues related to an uprising in Tibet. The monks and local villagers decided to protest on 24 August, 1989, stating that Tibet had been a free and independent nation throughout history until 1959.

Chinese police arrived quickly and told the protesters that if they capitulated and declared that Tibet was part of China, they would not be arrested. The protesters resisted. The next day villagers and monks decided to oppose the Chinese. Some 500 Chinese police were sent from Lhasa. Of these, roughly 300 were “special forces” who were authorized to shoot and kill without official direct permission or orders.

Geshe-la was one of four organizers and leaders of the protest who stood up and admitted their role. The police hand-cuffed him to another organizer, Dorje, and they both had their hands tied behind their backs. They were taken to a prison in Lhasa where they were kicked and beaten with gun butts. Then they were lined up against a wall and beaten with sticks and fists for about an hour, during which time they broke his nose. He says he remembers bleeding badly.

After the beating stopped, they were put in separate dark windowless rooms with no sheet to put on the floor or use as a cover. They had to use a corner of the room as their toilet. He was held at gunpoint and told if he renounced Tibet he wouldn’t be arrested. The Chinese beat him again and poured hot water over him for refusing to say that the Dalai Lama had organized the protests.

He reports being tortured daily for a month with various electric devices until he lost consciousness. Water would be thrown in his face to revive him each time, but still he refused to comply.

Each day, he said, prisoners were given only a small amt of tsampa and one cup of water. Some days they received no food or drink. They were forced to clean pig sties and never given clean clothing or allowed to bathe.

He spent 9 months in prison. When he was released, he was given a letter he was ordered not to open for delivery to the abbot of his monastery. The letter said he was to be expelled from the monastery. He went to live with his family, but was watched closely by the Chinese, his activities limited.

After 6 months he decided to escape. He requested to visit his brothers in another part of Tibet. Permission was granted, but instead of going to see them, he went by bus to Lhasa, then on to the Nepali border, where he paid a guide 700 yuan to lead him through the mountains. It took a week to reach the reception center in Nepal.

He stayed at the reception cnter for 2 months, where he was given good food and medical care. In 1990 he was sent first to Delhi, then to McleodGanj. After meeting HH the Dalai Lama, he received an opportunity to study Buddhist philosophy along with approximately 5000 other monks at a monastery near Bangalore. His studies continued for 18 years, until he achieved the degree of Geshe (Doctor).

In 2007 he returned to Dharamsala to study Sanskrit at HH the Karmapa’s monastery for one year. Now he teaches Buddhist philosophy at a monastery in McleodGanj, India. He is studying English at L.I.T. and has expressed an interest in teaching Buddhism to foreign visitors.

ADDITION: Geshe-la has since told me that, after his escape, his brother, who was also imprisoned with him resulting from the protest, was questioned harshly and repeatedly about Geshe-la's where-abouts but refused to answer. This resulted in his re-arrest. Not long after, the news came that his brother had died. Geshe-la feels that this was a direct result of torture at the hands of the Chinese.

Said, Unsaid, Unsayable...

2010-02-01T04:58:00.000-05:00

I must apologize that I have not been diligent in keeping up this blog. Sometimes the day to day motions of living distract me from what I am really trying to and want to say about my experience, here. Or perhaps writing it all in my journals has kept me from saying it here...

It is hard to get my mind around all that is happening here...all that is said, all that goes unsaid, all that is unsayable...and even more difficult to explain to anyone who is not here with me.

How can I describe what it is like, to be teaching English to Tibetan refugees and monks? That you have to learn to think in entirely new ways because words fail, and because sometimes concepts do not even exist in one another's cultures? I learn as much, and probably more, from them every single day.
Sometimes the most ridiculous things get said. I am collecting quotes...priceless unexpected deep and often plain silly interactions. It's like watching a group of pre-schoolers who have found a new toy or learned a new way of expressing themselves.
Sometimes hilarious misunderstandings result. It is hard to explain "slang" or "figure of speech". But we have all agreed to make silly mistakes together (and trust me, my mistakes re: speaking Tibetan and doing culturally acceptable behavior are much more embarassing than theirs!). When we say something wrong, we gently correct one another. And so we learn, and so we grow.

There is so much I want to say TO them...how their joy and courage and determination continually astound me. But because of lack of words in Tibetan, it goes unsaid.
Some things go unsaid because I am afraid...afraid to alienate the people who have come to mean the most to me.

There is much that is unsayable...whether because there are no equivilent words/concepts or because it would not be appropriate, given that I am a foreigner.

When I question my purpose here, I have to remind myself of my student who says that without me, he would not have words to express what he has wanted to say to western travelers for 15 years.
"I have only one wing", he says, and flaps his arm awkwardly. "But when my English becomes good I will have two wings, and then I will fly!" (I know he is paraphrasing something the Dalai Lama says but it is so touching, so clearly on his mind).
It is amazing to me, because I am not an English teacher. I do not even remember the correct names for all the parts of grammar, for heavens sake!
But every day, I show up, even when I feel like I just cannot do this anymore.
I show up because I love them, in the most simple meaning of the words. I want to hug them the same way I hugged my pre-schoolers when I was a teacher's aide.

I learn every day from their amazing insights, am constantly amazed by their playfulness and joy. I feel a glow when I am in their presence...something that I lost from my western life when I was about 12 years old...

Some days I feel isolated, left out. I am still a foreigner, after all. I still cannot hope to comprehend their ways of interacting and expressing themselves in their own language and culture, what is ok and what is not.
I often miss the modern amenities of life in America, but I know that when I leave here I will cry for the loss of
the beautiful connectedness I have found with these radiant beings.

The Face of Holiness

2010-01-23T05:50:00.000-05:00

Woke this morning at 6:50am and decided almost immediately, after last night's uncertainty, that it was important to attend the Long Life Ceremony for HH the 14th Dalai Lama.
By 7:10am I was en route to the main temple...the following is what I wrote by hand while sitting and watching. (I am going to type it as it appears in my notes, replete with expressive capitalizations)

Seated upstairs at the main temple, again not exactly sure what to expect. I'm enjoying watching an elderly Tibetan monk seated on the ground nearby trying to convey something to some westerners in animated gestures.
Sometimes language is unnecessary.

You don't look at clothing here, so much. You look at faces. At motions.

The constant chanting of mantras passes into my core. A strange soft warmth fills me.
For a moment, I understand EVERYTHING.
These people are not here for me to "love" in western terms. They are here for me to LOVE, purely, unconditionally.
They are my GURUS!
The energy is pure life force...although until today I just had no other way to interpret it except as "sexual". An invisible thread is pulling bodies to sway in unison.
I know HH is near when I see a monk pour his tea...I know it is his tea because the mug is set next to his "dias", I have seen this ritual before.
Then the horns, the cymbals...crowd rising to its feet, hands steepled.
HH arrives, passes into the temple sanctum, takes his seat as attendees bow.
Indian military with machine guns stroll the perimeter as the pocha and sweet rice servce begn.
I don't so much hear the chants anymore as feel them straight through my ribcage and lower abdomen.

HH is seated on a dias just out of my line of vision. Every now and then I catch a glimpse of his hands, the hat on his head as he leans forward, his red-robed knee.

Monk robes hold great appeal for me, aesthetically. Draped, sweeping, graceful, elegant...they lend an air of mystery; they are mystical...like the creatures under them are ethereal, something "more than". Transcendent.

After the prayer ceremony and offerings and blessings, the guards shift the crowd to make a path for HH and the other dignitaries. High Lamas with their conch shell horns herald the passage of HH.
To my shock and delight, HH stops about 3 feet in front of me to talk to some girls holding "Free Tibet" signs. He is so close I could literally touch his arm without stretching! I hear his natural, unaided voice ask them "What country?" and thank them for their support.
The Tibetan man beside me and I look at one another simultaneously, both absolutely beaming at our shared good fortune. A few feet further on he paused again to accept some Buddha and Hanuman statuettes being offered by a local inchi hippie guy. HH looks amused at the Hanuman, turning it over in his hands, even playing with its movable tail like a child delightedly examining a new toy.
Precious.
Priceless.
Totally unpretentious.
This IS where I need to be.
This is the answer to everything.

Contemplating Goodness and Happiness

2010-01-22T06:43:00.000-05:00

A dear friend of mine said something today that really made me think about what it means to be "good", to be compassionate, to be happy.
Words are concepts. Concepts are open to cultural and personal application, at least in terms of application.
One person may think they are being "good" while to an onlooker their behaviour may seem devious or inappropriate.
I want to, for the purposes of this post, define "good" as acting towards others with kind...or with zero intent to harm or control.

When a monk says to you, "I am a good boy"...and the look on his face reflects an openness and, for lack of a better term, naivety rarely seen in westerners except in early childhood...you really have to think about your own behaviour.
Silliness is one thing. But when ulterior motives and attempts to control begin to creep in...
I have said some things, lately, seeking to illicit a particular response. I thought it was all in good fun. Now I realize it may not have been perceived as intended, and may in fact have caused someone else emotional conflict.
This was not my INTENT....but does that make it okay?

Mainly, the question is, how can I do BETTER next time? Is it simply a question of stopping to think a moment longer before opening my mouth?

Which brings me to "happiness"...and what may seem like a conflicting perspective.
If life is all about happiness...whose happiness is the most important? And what KIND of happiness?
Are we talking about superficial "ok I'm gonna smile now no matter what" happiness or deep internally bursting at the seems with joy happiness?
If I do something that makes me happy in the short term but harms someone else in the process, intentionally or not, is that justifiable?

I had a day of true happiness yesterday. I do not know exactly how it developed, but I truly was RADIANT all day. I was so in love with everything about my life even the parts which haven't been working. I felt a deep gratitude for all the people around me and for all the lessons I'm learning and growth I am experiencing.
I felt prepared to ALLOW and ACCEPT everything and not attempt to control outcomes.

Perhaps that last bit is the most important thing I've said. Possibly ever.

To ALLOW and ACCEPT everything and not attempt to control outcomes.

If things aren't perfect, just let it be! Whatever it is, it is happening for a reason. I need to remember to look for the lesson inside the "pain".

Everything IS exactly as it should be, even if it is not as you WANT it to be.

I have struggled against that concept with all my might for as long as I can remember...

I know I will forget. I know I will flounder and fail and have to dig my way back out of emotional pits.

That's ok.

Ultimately this post may not have defined anything nor taught you anything you hadn't already thought for yourself.

It was a way for me to state something it has taken me a very long time to even begin to grasp.

For ME, important lessons lie in the above words.

Hopefully my experiences and failures and progresses can be useful to someone else reading this.

In closing, it is now late afternoon. The sun is sinking into thickening clouds over the Himalayan foothills.

This day did not evolve as I had hoped...and yet, I am content, because other unexpected blessings and lessons presented themselves.

And that is exactly the point.

The Only Constant is Change

2010-01-20T04:28:00.000-05:00

I am not a Buddhist. I only know the most basic teachings of Buddhist philosophy. I live in a community which is predominantly Tibetan Buddhist, here in north India, headed, as per the previous post, by His Holiness the Dalai Lama.
Sometimes I see Buddhist philosophy working in miraculous ways, here. More often than not, I am surprised by all the ways even the monks/nuns seem NOT to adhere to Buddhist teachings and yet...overall, probably the only reason this community hasn't crumbled is because of Buddhism.

I don't know. I feel like musing, this afternoon.
The more I learn, the less I know.
All the complexities of human interaction are present, even when dealing with monks. Probably even more so because our vastly different cultures make MEANINGS unclear even when words and actions seem to indicate one thing...One thing, my acquaintance Caroline says, viewed by my American glasses.

She described it this way:
Imagine 3 people seated around a table. One is American. Let's say the American wears blue glasses.
One is Swedish, the Swede is wearing red glasses. One is Tibetan. The Tibetan wears green glasses.
On the table is an apple. Each of the people is asked what they see on the table.
The American sees a blue apple, the Swede sees a red apple, the Tibetan sees a green apple.
It is only the same in its most basic form.
Now imagine applying this analogy to EMOTIONS and abstract concepts which do not even exist in one another's cultures!

You see my dilemma. OUR dilemma.
Girls are much more intimate with other girl friends, both emotionally and physically. The same with boys. Men walk around openly holding hands, rubbing each other's arms or legs, sitting side by side with arms around each other's shoulders. To the western eye it often looks like their is a lot of homosexual behavior...and yet, it is the exact opposite. They (mostly) shun homosexuality, but there are very few opposite sex friendly interactions.
Which makes having any kind of romantic (as a westerner would perceive romance) relationship with a member of the opposite sex equally complicated.
Do not get me wrong. I am very fortunate to have a GOOD man as my partner. I care about him deeply and I know he cares about me.
The interior FEELINGS are the same. They are just perceived, interpreted and expressed in vastly different ways.
Even explaining the idea of interacting with your love partner as an intellectual and emotional equal (or even as an intellectual or emotional ENTITY) is proving extremely difficult.
It seems like the only people who understand "romance" are Buddhist monks and nuns! They are just so fun to be around, so free, so expressive, across the board with all fellow humans.
And, of course, as monks, they can only "romance" by innocent "play" flirting.
Maybe the burden is meant to be on me, for a change...in learning to let go of my preconceived notions of what a romantic relationship "should" be.
Is it possible that I've had the wrong idea about what "love" SHOULD mean all along?
And if so, how do I change and put the focus elsewhere?

There are days when I would love for a sudden bolt of lightning to make all of us understand one another. There are days when I feel there are glimmers of hope, when a teeny shift in the fabric of the universe makes it look like a break-through is about to happen.
There are days of utter confusion and frustration, too...when I wonder if true understanding is possible.

It's like beating on a door louder and louder, non-stop, not even knowing if there is anyone home, but having to be determined to continue even if no one ever answers!
Success can never happen without repeated attempts, and there are never any guarantees!

Every day, something changes. Sometimes it feels like progress, even if tiny progress. Sometimes it seems like we are sliding in the wrong direction.
As so often happens with me, the struggle is beginning to define my life.

The past week has delivered so many changes (hence the title of this post).
My daily schedule changed first because my usual internet cafe closed for construction. Blissfully that resulted in me having a new favorite hangout.
Then I changed my pattern of where I was going and who with because of communication issues, plus several of my "long" term acquaintances (fellow foreign volunteers working in McleodGanj) left town.
Now I am on the verge of taking on a new teaching project...a group of 4-5 close associates who want to practice English conversation.

I should also focus on feeding my creative passions, as well. I need to do more daily photography uploads and work on my paintings.

Life is good. Don't get me wrong.
I am blessed in so many ways, right now. The people I am surrounded by are touching my life in ways I never imagined possible. I love them ALL more than you'd think possible for someone you've only known a few weeks. I do not love all of them in EXACTLY the same ways...but I love them all with the same level of intensity, if that makes any kind of sense.
These are ultimately GOOD (kind, compassionate,open, friendly,funny,intelligent) HUMAN beings.

We are all doing the best we can.

THAT is sacred. This is truly a sacred experience for me, although I cannot exactly say it is a "sojourn".

Most Sacred Experience of My Life to Date

2009-12-30T05:34:00.000-05:00

Today was an incredible day for me. Before 8am I was seated on a thin green mat on the ground along with hundreds of other people, waiting for the main event, a Long Life Ceremony attended by HH the 14th Dalai Lama in honor of the 20th Year Anniversary of the Death of the Panchen Lama, a Tibetan hero rumored to have been murdered by the Chinese at the age of 50 in 1989.

The event had not been publicized, like so much here in McleodGanj, and news flowed through word-of-mouth between friends and associates. Rumors varied from 7am to 9am start and no one knew exactly what would happen or how long it would last.

At 7:45am I flowed down Temple Road towards HH Main Temple in a river of red-robed monks and nuns from various local monasteries. At the temple everyone was thoroughly searched. I was sesnt back outside to leave my forbidden camera in the care of a popular WiFi cafe then returned to be re-searched before going inside to find a seat as close as possible to the gold-cloth draped dias. Several other "inchi" people (foreigners/westerners) were seated in the same area and we all chatted pleasantly.

Upstairs near the main shrines, chanting resounded from speakers. A long line of well-wishers bearing orange and red cloth wrapped boxes draped with white khato scarves files slowly up the stairs. A Quebecois seated near me who is studying Buddhism said they were objects such as texts, mandalas, and other items to be blessed.

Styrofoam cups were passed to the crowd by young monks, then pocha (traditional Tibetan butter tea) was served. Giant vessels of steamed sweet rice were ladled out into bare hands, paper sheets, and any number of other containers the crowd could find. Of all the Tibetans I have met locally, I saw only a few familiar faces.

The chanting continued, mildly hypnotic, as the line continued slow progress up the stairs. Late comers continued to press into the temple. My friend Mary arrives and joins us, but no sign of Sonam or any of our usual monk compatriots.

By 9:10am I am feeling slightly restless, full of anticipation. The blessing line has slowed to a snail's pace and no one around me is sure what to expect or when it might happen.

Two gilded statues of Buddhas or avatars are rushed down the stairs. Suddenly things begin moving very quickly, in a see of rushing color. Much of the crowd has taken up the chanting.

And then the soft voice of His Holiness comes through the speakers...

It doesn't matter what he is saying, in my eyes. His infectious laughter punctuates the speech. The whole crowd is smiling, leaning forward to hear his words.

A song begins, and a woman begins to descend the temple stairs backwards, sweeping each one.

At this moment, it occurs to me I am about to be in the presence of quite possibly one of the greatest humans ever to walk the earth. A great human soul, a great spiritual leader, a leader of a people striving to regain hope and freedom. A truly amazing man.

Geshes distribute money to monks and nuns, and other monks toss fruits, breads, biscuits, cakes, and sweets, reportedly gifts from Tashi Lumpo (the Panchen Lama monastery). We are all laughing and passing around food to friends and strangers alike regardless of nationality, truly a "breaking bread" experience.

Khatas are being passed through the crowd and draped over railings. One passes through my hands, and I feel as though I am presenting this gift to HH personally. A group of monks scurries down the steps.

At times it seems like a lot of nothing is going on, although I know the continuing chants have deep meaning to those who understand them. Every now and then someone in the audience picks up the melody. The chants are deep, resonant, and really penetrate your body and soul.

Atop the temple, Snow Lion flags are stirring.

The chanting stops, and low cymbals fade til there is only the murmuring of the crowd.

Things are about to happen. Everyone is standing up, peering at the stairs, where a lot of lamas and government officials are coming down to the podium.

With a fan fare of horns, High Lamas wearing yellow head-dresses descend the steps holding a type of decorative sceptre.

Then, suddenly, a giant golden fabric unbrella with orange and turquoise trim appears.

His Holiness himself, wrapped in orange robes over his red monk garb.

He moves quickly, and appears surprisingly small, although he is not a short or physically small person at all. I think his humbleness is deceiving. I really expected him to look larger than life.

He DOES look serene, super kind, and like he is just one of the people...

He takes the Golden Dias and cleans his large round spectacles with the hem of his robe.

We listen to Tibetan speeches commemorating the Panchen Lama by high lamas, government officials and other prominent figures in the community as more pocha and sweet rice were served. It's hard to pay attention for very long when you don't understand the language.

Every few minutes I find my gaze returning to His Holiness.

It is a powerful moment for me when I realize that, entirely unpremeditadely, he and I are swaying in unison to some invisible inaudible stimulus.

At last, HH rises, gently tapping the microphone as if unsure of its effectiveness, although he has addressed modern audiences around the world for the past several decades.

His voice is quiet, hard to focus on, even, I expect, for the Tibetans in attendance.

A Quebec native studying Tibetan language is seated next to me and translates in short form the contents.

HH tells a story of searching for the Panchen Lama reincarnation, of time spent with him in person. He talks at length about the state of the Tibetan plight/cause, the fact that the world loves Tibetans for their realness, their lack of pretention, their honesty, and that they need to preserve these qualities. He tells the locals to remain strong and focused on the drive for freedom and human rights, and not to let their culture die.

Suddenly the golden gilded umbrella re-opens and His Holiness seemingly glides past the crowd, many (myself included) with hands folded in prayer. He views a photo and art exhibit about the Panchen Lama, and emerges again after about ten minutes.

A fan fare of horns sounds again. HH and the yellow head-dressed High Lamas hustle down the centre corridor through a crowd of surging fans, passing within maybe twenty feet of me, and I rush forward with the others trying to get a better glimpse.

And then, behind the audience, he disappears on the pathway leading down toward his residence, leaving a sea of humanity surging towards the exits.

It is impossible to stand still and absorb the atmosphere. People are pushing and hurrying all around me.

All I can do is talk to every other westerner I pass about the glory of the experience and hope I get the chance to see him in person again.

He is 75, after all, and although he appears strong and capable, many whisper that they fear he may not live much longer.

Long Life to Hh the Dalai Lama, and success for the Tibetan cause.

Tibetans Talk: Political Prisoner Profile

2009-12-26T23:17:00.001-05:00

I thought it would help you to hear some first hand stories of people in my life. People I work with (almost) daily. People who have changed my life forever. Beautiful people with amazing souls and inner strength that brought them through horrors most westerners can never even imagine.

I want to introduce you to some of the Tibetan exiles/refugees and former political prisoners in my life.

I will start with the first former prisoner I ever met...a man who now plays a special role in my life. I want to introduce you to Sonam Dorjee...middle, wearing glasses. Look at his smile. And then read his story.

Sonam Dorjee is a soft-spoken, studious looking man in his late thirties. He comes from a poor farming family in a Tibetan village. Speaking to our international group at a non-profit event at L.I.T. (Learning and Ideas for Tibet), he recalls how the Chinese arrived one day to mine natural resources from his region for shipment to China, and how their factories polluted the rivers so badly that wildlife and farm animals began to die.

In 1992, he says, the Chinese demanded the people of his village denounce the Dalai Lama and stop any talk of a free Tibet. Restrictions were placed on how many children Tibetan families could have (Tibetan families in the city are allowed one child, while in rural areas they are allowed two). He was asked to “round up” women with more children for forced sterilization. Some women were to be given forced abortions. This, he says, is one way the Chinese control the Tibetan ethno-religious population.

Sonam refused to comply. He took part in a meeting with other villagers, and eventually they made a mutual decision to protest. They sewed and planted a Tibetan flag on the steps of the main local temple and refused to denounce His Holiness. A crowd gathered below the steps to support them. After fifteen minutes, Chinese police arrested everyone on the steps.

The group was taken to a local police station where they were forced to kneel and beaten with sticks. Sonam was beaten until his nose, mouth, and even eyes bled. Afterwards, they were taken to a detention center near Lhasa where they were again beaten, and imprisoned without trial.

Sonam was taken to a room where he was forced to stand on a table. His thumbs were tied with ropes hanging from the ceiling, and the table was kicked out from under him, where he hung and was beaten til he lost consciousness. He reports that the beatings were so intense that the blows made his body feel like it was on fire, but that after a few minutes everything would go numb and he couldn’t see or feel.

His fellow prisoners were tortured with finger vises until they were out of their senses with pain. All of them were interrogated repeatedly for months. The Chinese wanted them to admit that the Dalai Lama and/or foreign nationals (specifically American or British) had organized the protest, but they refused to reveal who had organized the demonstration.

One of the most difficult parts of being in prison, he says, was being unable to sleep lying down because of numerous wounds on his body. Chinese doctors sometimes took blood from prisoners, which was reportedly sold for food or to bribe government officials for favors.

The Chinese told them they would be allowed to take their case to court, but they knew it was a lie. Sonam explains that no Chinese court judge can rule in favor of Tibetans, or he will be punished also. They decided simply to accept their sentence.

Sonam was sentenced to thirteen years. Others in his group who were more active in preparing the demonstration were sentenced to fifteen. After a few months, he was taken to Drapchi, the largest prison in Tibet, near Lhasa. There were separate sections for men and women. He estimates there were about 300 men and 270 women. All prisoners were given a thick rule manual which they were expected to memorize within three months. Those who could not were punished.

He was forced to labor taking human waste from the toilets to the greenhouse, where vegetables were grown. The Chinese did not permit prisoners to bathe or ever have clean clothing. He also had to raise vegetables, which were given to outside vendors for sale. He was supposed to earn 12,000 yuan monthly selling these vegetables, with sales being recorded on receipts from the vendors, but no matter what the actual sales were, the vendors always reported they fell short of their quota. For failing to make the required sales totals, workers were put in solitary confinement.

He describes solitary confinement as being too small to lie down or even stretch. While there, he was given only one glass of water and a tiny bit of bread each day. His feet were shackled with a ball and chain weighing 3kg.. After 10 days, he says, he went delirious with hunger and lost consciousness.

When he woke, he decided to attempt suicide to escape his torture. He says he ate pieces of metal and hit his head against the wall repeatedly, but did not die. Then, he says, he thought about how other political prisoners had survived torture for much longer, and he decided to survive the rest of his sentence. He was held in solitary for two months, even though Chinese law states the maximum solitary sentence is twenty days.

Other prison experiences he describes include being forced to stand outdoors in burning summer sun or freezing ice with no shoes for long hours and sleeping on bare ground with no covers. At the end of every year, each prisoner was forced to write a letter stating that what he had done against the Chinese government was wrong.

In 1998 the Chinese flag was put on the wall and prisoners forced to sing Chinese National Anthem. Seven Tibetans were killed for refusing, another committed suicide. Others protested, and their sentences were increased. A monk near him was shot, and he helped some other Tibetans use their clothes to tie his wound. Another prisoner organized a hunger strike, for which everyone was interrogated and tortured. Sonam says the interrogation room was ankle deep in blood by the time it was his turn to be questioned. After this, surveillance cameras and microphones were installed in the prison room, plus two additional guards who spoke both Tibetan and Chinese.

In spring 2005, all political prisoners were taken to a special new prison. There was one guard for each prisoner. These guards were supposed to get prisoners to confess and renounce Tibet. Guards who were successful received rewards.

In late June 2005, Sonam was released and taken to a local police station, where he was told to write a letter promising never to oppose or protest against China again, but he refused. He says his time in prison made him stronger and more determined for a free Tibet.

He returned to his village, but his home and family had moved. When he finally found them, they didn’t recognize each other at first. His sister, who was only 7 when he was arrested, was now a woman. He says he felt like it was not his home or his family, that everything had changed.

For awhile he was glad to be back and tend yak and cattle on the mountains. But after three months, he grew unhappy and decided to look for work. He had to apply for special permission from the local police to leave the village and go to Lhasa, where he found work in a shop for two months. Then, he says, Chinese officials forced the shopkeeper to fire him. Each time he found a new job, he was forced out by the Chinese, so he went back to his village.

He became ill but refused treatment for a long time. Finally he was allowed to go to a hospital in Lhasa, and it was then that he decided to escape to India. He didn’t tell his family, but sought help from a network of other former political prisoners. He traveled from Lhasa to the border of Nepal in a truck, where the border guard was paid 5500 yuan.

He had to cross a river in the dark, and fell down a cliff, hurting his head. He made it to a Nepali village, where he says everyone stared at him strangely. When he found a mirror, he realized his face was almost completely covered in blood. He was taken to a refugee center in Katmandu, where he was given food and medical help for eight days before being sent to Delhi, then on to Dharamsala.

He arrived in Dharamsala in 2007. Along with 150 other refugees, he got to meet and tell his story to His Holiness the Dalai Lama, who told him he should let the western world know exactly what the Chinese had done to him and why. He stayed at the refugee center for one year, where he was interviewed by many international news agencies. Later he went to a Tibetan school, then joined Gu Chu Sum Tibetan Political Prisoner Organization. With other members, he helped create a non-profit school, L.I.T. (Learning and Ideas for Tibet) where Tibetans can study English and other subjects for free.

Sonam continues trying to create a new life and now teaches Tibetan language to people from other cultures on request. He tells his story to international guests every few weeks through a translator. He is also active in cooking for L.I.T. events.

When questioned by the international audience, Sonam softly says that although the best years of his life were spent in prison, he feels it was more than worth it, and that now all he wants is to inform the world about what is really going on.

Open Letter to President Obama and Sec of State Clinton

2009-12-15T00:44:00.000-05:00

I urge ALL U.S. citizens as well as citizens of other western countries

to copy and re-post this letter which I sent via email to the

White House as well as the U.S. State Department this morning.

In addition, I encourage you to add your signature as a form of

petition and send it on to your local, state and national governments,

as well as local and national news media outlets.

I request that when you do, you leave a comment here telling me

when and where you directed it!

Thank you.

Mr. President: As a US citizen I am deeply concerned over the American policy and actions

regarding the human rights crisis with the Chinese occupation of Tibet. I arrived in McleodGanj, India, home of the Dalai Lama and the exiled

Tibetan government, at the end of November 2009 planning to stay one

month. Within days I started volunteering with a non-profit that offers free

English conversation, grammar and computer classes to refugees. By the end of my first week, I knew I had found my calling. I am now

residing here until mid-March, with plans to return later in 2010 for

an even longer period. Every day my new Tibetan friends, whom I consider family, tell me

stories of their suffering in China. Some were denied religious freedom,

others imprisoned for speaking out against China. Some were beaten

daily, tortured brutally for as long as fifteen years at the hands of the Chinese. Every one of them, as well as myself, is deeply disappointed at the failure

of the United States, UN and other western nations to take a stronger

stand on their behalf. Mr. President, I urge you to meet ASAP with H.H. the Dalai Lama. I urge you

to come meet the Tibetan refugees in person, to listen to their stories and see

how they struggle daily to survive while they wait in the hopes that one day

they will be able to reclaim their homeland. Tibetan culture has so much to teach the western world. I can promise you,

once you spend time with these wonderful beings, your life will never be the

same. I am appalled that US policy regarding this situation is based solely on trade

numbers with China. China exploits Tibet in the most horrible ways. Many

so-called Chinese products are made by forced labor in Tibet by Tibetans. My Tibetan students have asked me to convey one more message to you,

one they agree on strongly. Mr. President, Tibet is NOT part of China. China seized control of Tibet in

1959 by FORCE. They, and I, are deeply hurt at your statement to the contrary. I beg you, please reconsider your stance on Tibet. If you consider it our

responsibility to be in Iraq, or Afghanistan, then how can you NOT

consider it our responsibility to support and offer aide to Tibet? Please, earn your Nobel Peace Prize. Work for peace and a free Tibet! Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely, Ms. Tammy Winand US Citizen on behalf of the Tibetan refugee community in McleodGanj, India and the thousands of oppressed Tibetans unable to escape the Chinese occupation

Living on Caffeine and Hope

2009-12-12T04:55:00.000-05:00

Over the past 4-5 days, life has become very "strange"...as in, it has taken a major departure from the norm.

I have been meeting so many new people, learning so many new things (about Tibet, Tibetans, even about myself), DOING so much more than usual.

I have had bouts of tears, bouts of insomnia.

I have also had fits of outrageous laughter, and deep meaningful discussions.

I have also fallen madly in love (for those truly interested in the inner turmoil of my emotional life, see http://justreallife.blogspot.com )

I have found a place I feel can become my home, on the other side of the planet from where I was raised.

I have met some of the kindest, most soulful people in the world, people of a nature I never believed possible.

I have found something worthy of doing...helping an oppressed nation, a displaced people living in exile, learn new things, and hopefully gain hope and show them that there are good soulful westerners with their hearts in the right place.

I have been living on caffeine (darjeeling tea and mochas, mostly), rarely eating.

And on hope... for these people to keep their culture, to keep their natural way of being, to find freedom, to stop living in fear.

And hope for myself, as each day brings new developments in inter-personal relationships. The

The weather is turning...colder, cloudier, windier. Winter is on the horizon, hanging over the Himalayas. there has been snow at Triund and above.

I continue to learn Tibetan language...something new every day. I continue to learn and to grow.

I continue to battle mind-boggling hurdles, not negative, but growth-challenging!

Life is good.

Confusing, frustrating, difficult, but good!

Candlelight Vigil

2009-12-08T00:04:00.000-05:00

After English conversation class yesterday, a group of students and teachers,

myself included, chatted over tea, playing tic tac toe and hangman for til dusk.

As I was leaving, I bumped into another western volunteer, who

asked me if I was going to the candlelight vigil.

I had not heard anything about it, but agreed to join her. We walked in

silence to the town "square", where Tibetans were handing out candles and

info pamphlets regarding the recent death of a young Buddhist nun.

The nun, aged 33, was arrested and beaten by Chinese police after

participating with a friend in a peaceful march where they chanted slogans

asking for basic human rights and freedom of religion.

She was tortured and died this Sunday of injuries related to her

beatings/torture at the hands of the Chinese.

A sizeable group of Buddhist nuns and monks, other Tibetan refugees, and

western visitors and volunteers gathered to light candles.

The walk circled the chorten, a temple in the center of town, three

times while the Tibetans chanted in their language.

Afterwards, the procession made its way downhill, to the main temple at

the residence of H.H. the Dalai Lama (who is currently teaching in

Australia), where we listened to different speakers about the recent

events. Tibetan flags waved in the evening breeze.

I was very moved, although no English translation was offered.

All that kept going through my mind was that if we had held even

this peaceful remembrance vigil inside Tibet, we would have been beaten,

shot, and/or jailed by the Chinese.

At the end of the speeches, the Tibetans sang two native songs, and

several people cried.

Friends, how can we allow our governments to side with the Chinese?

How can we stand by and give permission for one nation, China, to oppress,

control, repeatedly punish another, Tibet, for wanting the most basic

human rights and freedom of religion?!

I implore you, do whatever you can to make your voice heard, that we

know what the Chinese or doing, that we abhore what the Chinese are

doing, that will not permit what the Chinese are doing!

Write to your representatives, even to your President or Prime Minister.

Boycott Chinese goods.

Let the world know what the Chinese are doing is absolutely

unacceptable!

If you would like to make a donation to a non-profit organization here in

McleodGanj, please contact me directly for more info.

I can see that your donation goes directly into the hands of a refugee or

former political prisoner of your choosing, or, if not specified, that it helps

defray expenses for volunteers and non-profit agencies in town.

Thank you for your support and concern!

FREE TIBET!

Himalyan Home...

2009-12-04T07:18:00.000-05:00

McLeodGanj is now "home"...as much as I have felt at home anywhere in the

past few years.

Shopkeepers great me pleasantly when I walk by in the morning. There is

no more pressure to buy souvenirs or "just look" at their merchandise.

I am learning how to be a local. Learning where the best prices on fruit,

snacks, and clothing are. Learning how to speak basic Tibetan (there are as

many if not more Tibetans than Indians here, thankfully, as this IS the home

of the Dalai Lama and the exiled Tibetan government and many refugees.

I am volunteering as a conversational English teacher every weekday with

the Tibetan community at L.I.T. (Learning and Ideas for Tibet)...follow the

link to find out more!

Help stop the human rights abuses the Chinese are inflicting on Tibetans!

There is a real community here, both of locals and westerners like myself who

are getting involved with the Tibetan cause.

Actually, I have been selected to choose the topic for Monday's

conversation class, and I am having a bit of a dilemma, but have a few ideas

which I'll run by some other volunteer coordinators.

In other news, I trekked to Triund 2 days ago with a nice girl from Finland

who I met at L.I.T. We started at 7:20am but had a few stops for tea/snacks en

route. The distance is roughly 5 miles one way, starting from 6831 feet

climbing (steeply at times) to 9514 feet.

We reached the summit at about noon, rested and took photos for over an hour,

and started down at about 1:30pm

We made great time coming down until we encountered a fellow trekker who

pointed back the way he had come and told us it was a "shortcut" to

Dharamkot. By this time we were all for shortcuts, so we decided to go for

it.

The slate ledges were steep and loose in many places, and often the trail led

in several directions, so we were never certain we were going the right way.

I was in tremendous pain and on the verge of a panic attack when we

encountered some Tibetan Buddhist monks sitting in front of simple stone

cottages. We asked "Dharamkot?" and they pointed, and a little white dog

sitting with them suddenly bounded off in front of us. Every time we'd lag behind,

the dog would stop and wait. I am pretty sure he thought we were taking him to

town for biscuits, and thereby showed us the way!

We should have been to the village by 3:30pm but the short cut added at least

an hour and a half, so it was nearly 5, the shadows long and leading into dusk,

by the time we came back to McLeodGanj!

I had my first Tibetan language class yesterday afternoon, and today boldly

introduced myself to the assembled group of Tibetan students in their

language, partially to help the girls in my group who had never spoken

English publicly before feel less awkward! If I could say some phrases in

Tibetan...anything was possible!

After class today, I hung out with two other western volunteer

coordinators and a group of Tibetans at the tea shop connected to the

ex-political prisoners association. Somehow the topic turned to relationships,

and everyone wanted to know if we wanted Tibetan boyfriends.

We all agreed that Tibetan boys are very cute, but one of the other girls

boldly said, "Yes, but I have heard Tibetans are very bad lovers!" so I

said, "Well then we just have to teach them!" Everyone loves to joke and

laugh. And now I have three Tibetans playing match-maker for me!

So cute

Well, life is good, and I can't wait to see how things develop.

Stay tuned!

McLeodGanj...Peace in the Himalayas

2009-12-01T00:30:00.000-05:00

After a nightmarish 18 hour journey from Jaipur to Dharamsala via

Delhi, including an over-sized drunk male seatmate who passed out

on me for a few hours overnite after Chandigarh, I arrived, tired but

in decent spirits, to lower Dharamsala at 8am.

A brother and sister couple, Mumbai born but he residing in Texas

with a very US accent, helped me get on a local bus to McLeodGanj

(upper D'shala).

After another brief unpleasant encounter with a cheating guesthouse

proprietor, I got a fellow named Sergei from St Petersburg Russia to

help me carry my bags back up a steep stair to the main street and

found myself a new home at Mount View Guesthouse on Jogibara Road.

I rested about an hour, took a hot shower, and set out to explore my

new environment.

McLeodGanj (pronounced Mik-Klee-owed-Ganj), is best known as the

home of HH the 14th Dalai Lama, affectionately known locally as Kundun

(literally, "presence"...and you can truly feel his presence here), and the

seat of the exiled Tibetan government.

The place is full of red robed Buddhist monks and nuns, often, incongruously,

talking on mobile phones.

People here actually SMILE, and most of the local shops were very low

pressure, totally unlike those I visited in Rajasthan.

I encountered a few beggars, but even they were not over-bearing like the

ones in Rajasthan (who would crawl and claw at car windows at stop lights).

From my hotel room, I can see Triund Peak in the Dhauludar Range of the

Himalayas, plus three other snow capped peaks. It is technically the foothills,

but totally impressive, nonetheless, and I still cannot believe I am here.

The chest cough and sinus infection which plagued me the past month is

almost totally gone, though in the morning I still have a cough until after

my hot shower.

Since arriving, I have started smiling again, sometimes maybe too much.

I like to start the day by turning the prayer wheels at the stupa in the middle

of town, after having tea on the rooftop terrace at my guesthouse.

I have begun reading a daily inspirational guide by the Dalai Lama, as well as

his short introduction to Buddhism text, purchased at the Tibet Museum

bookshop.

I have visited the main temple once, but it is confusing as I know nothing

about the dieties depicted there or the appropriate protocol.

There is amazing shopping here for traditional prayer box pendants (ghau),

prayer wheels, clothing at very reasonable costs, and so much more.

Feeling bolder by the minute, I had my hair cut by a local barber. He did a

great job for only 50 INR about $1 USD), but I had to repeatedly refuse his

offers of a head and shoulder massage!

In the evening, I met a guy who has been voluntering at L.I.T,

Learning and Ideas for Tibet, and he took me to their offices, where I met

Lauren and Mary, western volunteer coordinators.

After a short discussion, Lauren recruited me to come to the weekly Tuesday

Tibetans Talk, where refugees and former political prisoners tell their stories

with an international audience, to take notes and begin writing articles for the

organization's website.

I am also considering an introductory Tibetan language class and also basic

Tibetan cooking (momos!)

fyi Tibetan food is really yummy!

This MAY be my life purpose!

woo HOO

This morning, tired of being stared at and perceived as a young blond, I dyed

my hair back to its natural dark brown color.

I will now let the grey grow out naturally and stop denying my age.

I think this will also gain me greater respect here. Older women are treated

with much more respect than solo young western ladies.

I am now at my new favorite hangout, MoonPeak cafe, a WiFi cafe on Temple

Road, and have finished my pot of lemongrass herbal tea.

Dharamsala is feeling like home. I have random repeated thoughts of

staying on indefinitely, returning annually.

I will be here until at least the end of January, barring any more unforseen

negative experiences.

I will read and write here and walk in nature and do my best to make some small

difference in my own life and that of others (as HH the Dalai Lama advises).

Crossing Rajasthan to Jaipur (rather rambling I fear)

2009-11-24T09:18:00.001-05:00

I arrived in Jaipur a few nights ago after an unplanned trip across Rajasthan with my new couchsurfing.org host.

I was introduced to amazing scenes of luxury hotels as well as the wild hair-raising experience of "highways" in India and rural countryside which remains nearly unspoiled.

I asked endless questions and learneda variety of interesting facts about India.

I saw scenes of farming, and rural villagers going about their daily chores.

I saw impossibly over-loaded trucks on the highway, faced traffic conditions that would surely be fatal on the orderly western roads.

I'm really not sure what to express, in this entry, or how to convey my present emotional state.

I do not feel the level of inspiration I have felt in recent days, and as such am more "thinking out loud", so forgive my lack of eloquence.

I am tired, again, in my body and soul, and physically "under the weather" as my cold and cough have returned full force, and I am again experiencing a lot of digestive troubles despite eating mostly healthy (although in the past two days a lot of fried) food.

I have not had much chance to get out on my own and explore Jaipur. I've been relying on my guide, who I have been meeting in the afternoons. I've been afraid of being cheated, ripped off, misled, or otherwise duped if I venture out on my own. I do not understand so much about this place, still, even though I learn more every day.

India remains a truly FOREIGN country. I hate to become repetitive, but I can't express how true that feels to me.

How do you know if you are getting a fair deal, a true price (like a local would pay)?

How do you find your way around without a local's assistance?

I see other foreigners out walking, even young white girls on their own. Where do THEY get the confidence to venture out so boldly, to stand up to touts, to bravely face what to me seems an incomprehensible system of roads and alleys?

What do you do if you get lost? I'm afraid of looking lost and confused because that indicates weakness, which opens the door to being taken advantage of.

Self-confidence is an issue for me even on the relatively familiar ground of the USA.

Here, I am like a helpless child, lost and longing for someone to hold my hand.

And yet, I still feel the need to maintain my solitude, my independence.

I refuse to be tied down to someone else's expectations of how I SHOULD act, or to rely solely on one person for all my needs.

Jaipur seems to be a nice city, relatively speaking. There are many development projects such as modern shopping areas, broad and fairly clean urban streets, and a better sense of organization...insomuch as anything in India is "organized".

Still, there is an old city, and on roads in the outskirts, too, the jumble of bazaars threatens to consume the uninitiated outsider.

If I had a higher (say, triple my actual) budget, I would be less intimidated. I wouldn't have to worry about being overcharged a hundred rupees because a hundred rupees would be utterly insignificant. But for me, a hundred rupees more a day will mean running out of money long before the scheduled end of my tour.

I think it's time to sit down and do some serious recalculation of finances.

Is it really practical for me to stay here til the last week of March, or should I cut roughly a month off of this tour?

I can change or cancel train reservations easily, if need be.

I would ideally like to upgrade to nicer accommodations when on my own in guesthouses.

Right now it is looking like I "should" cut about 4 weeks off this trip.

The issue now is deciding what I can miss and what should seriously NOT be missed.

Perhaps two weeks in Varanasi is more than enough. Possibly the same for Dharamsala.

After all, what's the point in being here if I can't even enjoy getting out and about and exploring/seeing/doing things on my own?

I'd be better off hiding under a pile of magazines and cats in Florida for a few extra weeks til my WWOOF starts in April!

Ahh, Udaipur...

2009-11-17T00:37:00.000-05:00

Udaipur…what can I say about the almost magical beauty and yet still jolting realities of this place?

Imagine, if you can, being in a medieval world, where royalty holds sway in palaces (both real and metaphorical) and the common folk struggle to survive in narrow streets teaming with animals and refuse, where open sewage gutters flow in front of luxury restaurants.

Imagine the sounds of dogs, donkeys, cows and common folk echoing off plaster walls competing with motorbike engines and auto horns. Imagine muezzin’s prayer calls resounding from mosques throughout the day and Hindu chanting emanating from lakefront temples, competing with modern Bollywood music blaring from rooftop boom boxes and the sounds of construction.

Streets meander past fabulously painted and ornately carved doors and windows and intricate building facades. Shop fronts overflow with richly colored saris and pashminas, traditional antique silver and semi-precious stone jewelry, hand-tooled leather journals, and statues of various Hindu gods in all sizes, old and new. Fruit and vegetable sellers ply their goods between cyber cafes and mobile phone shops.

From the rooftops, especially at dawn and sunset/dusk, the city seems to float above Lake Pichola, as if emerging from or sinking into a dream. Five hundred year old palace ramparts rise on one side, ghats lined with shops and temples on the other, and in the shimmering lake, the mirage-like Jag Mandir and gleaming white Lake Palace complete the scene.

The incongruities of India continue to astound me, sometimes with laughter, sometimes with fears and tears. You never know what will happen next, here.

Currently I am suffering a deep chest cough (despite two types of medicine “prescribed” by a local chemist).

I have decided, for health reasons mostly, although it is also cheaper, to go vegetarian for the duration of my travels, unless one of my hosts treats me to dinner at an upscale establishment. Food handling standards are iffy and refrigeration often non-existent, so meats are questionable at best. Coincidence or not, my “Delhi belly” has gone away since switching off meats the past two days!

I’ve done way too much shopping here, worn down by the continual haggling of vendors. I am able to bargain, and usually able to walk away, but have become newly addicted to paisley pashminas and printed clothing/fabrics. I bought a bed sheet yesterday, for heavens sake! I’ve managed to avoid the jewelry, with one exception, but it has not been easy, as all my favorite styles and stones are available here at relatively (compared to US) low prices. Still, they are far above my daily budget, and I have another 4 months to survive.

Today is a day of rest, lounging in my cool, marble-floored budget room, happy to have found a local WiFi connection. I am also trying to avoid the guesthouse manager, as he has said some things which have made me uncomfortable regarding purchasing gifts for me….I am uncertain how to express that I am in NO way interested in having anything more than a business transaction and that to accept a gift would be totally inappropriate.

My couch surfing host from Jaipur, the next city on my itinerary, is a tour guide and will be in town here tomorrow. He has offered to take me to dinner then so we can plan my stay in his hometown.

I will have more access to internet after 19 November, and will try to update on twitter and face book daily from there, as well as add new pics to my Udaipur folder on flickr.

Please continue to hold me in your thoughts and prayers. I am especially in need of prayers for good health, good spirits and continued safety!

Thank you.

As I have decided to use my travel experiences in a future non-fiction manuscript, I regret I cannot wax more eloquently or more at length, to avoid not being able to sell the appropriate rights when the time comes. I am sure you will understand...and hope you will look for the book somewhere down the road!

Udaipur Check-In

2009-11-12T09:25:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note, reporting I am safe In Udaipur after the 17 hr train journey through the night in the rain of Tropical Cyclone Phyan, for which the warning was posted about an hour before my departure from Bombay.
The cyclone hit in the area of Alibaug, near the beach house I described in my previous post. I have not heard from my friend whether everything there is ok.

The guesthouse where I am staying is called Shiva Guesthouse. The staff is nice enough, though it is surely geared towards a younger, more carefree kind of traveler. I have a nice bed, clean sheets, working electricity and an en suite bathroom with hot water.
My top complaints are that the shower barely emits enough water to wet yourself, and the hot and cold non-shower taps are separate, so if you try to wash under them, its either burning hot or freezing cold! ACK..
The alternative is the local style bucket bath.
sigh
I guess I should be content, some fellow travelers I met in the lobby earlier today declared it was a luxury to have the hot water at all.

It has been cloudy and misty, breezy and very cool, with occasional light showers since my arrival. I went out only briefly, explored the Jagdish Temple, where I made some stupid foreigner gaffs for which a guide (unofficial) duly reprimanded me. I did, however, get some great pics there!
The old city area is a maze of narrow winding streets filled with shops where shopkeepers great you in a variety of languages and do everything short o physically drag you into their shops. The array of handicrafts and souvenirs is mind boggling, and the temptation to splurge on my favorite style of silver and semi-porecious stone pendants nearly broke me down. I asked a few prices, but was not prepared for bargaining.
The streets themselves are, again (sorry India) really nasty. Trash as well as dog and cow dung make it nearly impossible to take a step, and you are wise not to look away!

I had plain ghee pulao (butter rice) and a banana lassi for lunch before taking a 3 hr nap, from which I've just woke. It's 8:10 pm. Some of the hotel "staff" is drinking (secretly but the smell is strong) and chatting loudly in Hindi here in the lobby where the computer is located. Normal everyday life, I suppose. They are still friendly and coherent, at least!

I will finish here, make a few tweets, then see about a light dinner (in the hotel rooftop cafe) before calling it a night, in the hopes that tomorrow is sunny and I can find the boat to get a lake tour and/or go to City Palace.

For an international tourist destination voted world's top city, this place sure doesn't make it easy to navigate or know what the heck is going on!

Here I go, rolling with the punches!

Cool November Rain, and a Train

2009-11-11T00:02:00.000-05:00

Cool, breezy rains began yesterday around 11am.

Mumbaikers are all a bit surprised as November rain is virtually unheard of.

Apparently it is also bad news, despite the lovely break in the heat, because important food crops that should be ripening around this time will, according to my acquaintances here, be spoiled with even a few days' rain.

I am loving the coolness but sad for this news.

Hopefully the rains (a tropical storm in the Northern Indian Ocean drifting NNE inland even towards Rajasthan) will pass quickly.

As the storm moves inland toward Rajasthan, so do I.

Today is the big day.

In about 3 hours from now, I'll be heading out in a taxi for Bandra Terminus where I'll board my 17 hour overnight train for Udaipur.

My host had an office meeting and is unable to take me to the station, so he is sending me with his (non-English-speaking) servant who will make sure I get the correct train, car, and so forth.

I have faith that I will be taken care of, but it is still emotionally stressful.

I am armed with two India-versions of well-known fashion/home making magazines for the train as well as my notebook, camera, and old iRiver music device.

I plan to buy bottled water and snacks for the journey at the station as I have heard train food is not good for the belly especially as mine is still very delicate, to put it nicely.

I have done everything I can to make detailed arrangements for my arrival in Udaipur, although in India plans do not seem to count for much.

My experience so far is that you get told a different thing every time you ask the same question!

(yes, even when asking the same person!)

My guesthouse is supposed to have arranged someone to meet me at the station and bring me to their location....first I was told a "driver" would pick me up, but when I emailed to "confirm" was told something to the effect of a "taxi" will be there to guide me to a "stand" at the station where I will be "met" be an unidentified-someone-else.

Uh...what?

So really not sure if there will be anyone waiting there holding my name placard as originally arranged, or if I'll have to take my chances and spend the money getting a taxi on my own.

This rain is giving Mumbai, and my soul, a much needed bath.

Yes, I am still anxious. That is just how I am (for those who are commenting that I need to relax and just let go).

I take medication for severe anxiety, folks. It's not like you can just turn off the wiring and say ok now I'm gonna do it differently. It's chemical!

I fret, I cry, I make detailed plans, I freak out to everyone who will listen.

And then I just do it.

I know that the rest of my travels will be different from Mumbai.

I know that I CAN manage on my own, like it or not.

Undoubtedly there will be much more to report as soon as I can get connected from Udaipur!

My current "plan" is to first get settled into the guesthouse, determine level of safety and room security there, and probably take a nap to settle my nerves.

If I feel up to it, and weather permitting (70% chance of storms in Udaipur Thursday), I may wander the immediate area of the guesthouse before sunset.

I have no set agenda other than a list of places to see, not date specific (even that is a a major improvement for me, folks!)

City Palace, Lake Palace, Jagdish Temple and so forth are my main destinations, plus I intend to sit on the rooftop terrace writing a lot.

If I feel comfortable, I may try to find a spot right on the lake front from where to write, also.

I am scheduled to meet my couchsurfing.org host for my next destination on 19 November and will be going next to Jaipur.

All his references on the couchsurfing site are positive, and hopefully he already understands my p-o-v regarding being a guest not a party partner!

My friend here in Mumbai has his name/contact info in case, heaven forbid, something bad happens.

A reminder, again, that my posts from here on may become far less frequent. The guesthouse told me they had WiFi.

Their listing on hostelworld's website says "internet available".

I am sure there is a cyber cafe there somewhere if I need to go that route.

So, if you do not hear from me on this blog, on twitter, or via email for several days, do not panic!!

If you do not hear from me before the 22nd...THEN panic!

lol

Thanks for following my adventure!

Beach House and British Expats

2009-11-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

The past few days in Mumbai have been calm and yet full of interesting occurrences.

On Saturday morning Titu and I taxied down to the docks by Gateway of India and caught a ferry to a rural area north of Mumbai called Awas, where his family owns property. The ferry trip was interesting, with many families going for day picnics or weekends at their beach property. A group of college aged youth sang songs and had a drumming circle on the upper deck. Children played games while the adults snacked and chatted.

We sailed into the morning sun, making it difficult to see, but Mumbai's harbor (such as it is) was crowded with all manner of shipping vessels from around the globe as well as Naval vessels, fishing boats and private pleasure boats.

The trip to Awas takes about an hour, depending which type of boat you book on.

We arrived and disembarked at Mandwa .

Titu flagged an auto-rickshaw which took us away from the docks towards the actual village of Awas. En route we stopped for chai and a kind of battered potato fritter whose name I can never remember!

The rickshaw bumped along the rutted, crumbling road for about 15 minutes til we got out in the middle of what seemed like jungle. Through a gate, along a leaf-strewn dirt drive, we came to a series of arches and patios and the entrance to Titu's family "beach house" (about a 5 minute walk from beach).

As with so many buildings here, the beach house is redolent of former glory. Arched windows and carved elements but cracked walls and horribly peeling paint, utilities shut off or barely functional. The smell of decay...mold, mildew, dust...was literally suffocating.

No one lives there, anymore. A caretaker (husband/wife) lives on the property, but the house is not maintained.

Titu talked about renting it, or maybe turning it into a B&B, and I had visions of moving in, restoring it lovingly one room, one garden section at a time...

Illusions...delusions...

After he talked business with the caretaker briefly, we changed and walked to the beach, which was surprisingly clean and virtually deserted.

I collected a few shells and we splashed and floated in the Arabian Sea for about an hour before heading back to the house, where I was thrilled to be shown how to take my first ever bucket shower/bath!

You literally fill a bucket with water, get a smaller cup for a scoop, and pour cupfuls of water over yourself to bathe! Not highly effective, but good enough for short term purposes!

The trip back to Mumbai was quiet...Titu bumped into an old acquaintance and they talked about "the good old days" when Awas was much less popular with day trippers and the rich/land developers.

Saturday evening Titu left for a social event with some friends...apparently running with the rich and famous. I was invited but did not feel comfortable with the whole production. Reportedly some of the top names in Indian fashion and film (including 2 famous Bollywood stars) were there. Titu's friends, who invited him, are designers and ad execs and producers, if I understand correctly, so he has access to "the scene". (There is still so much I don't know about this man...I only knew him briefly in college and never once thought about him as anything other than a funny frat boy always cracking jokes in the dorm hall).

In ways I regret not having gone, yet now I can say "I blew off Bollywood!" and on yet another level I am just relieved I did not have to stay out til 3am!

While he was at the party, Titu phoned and suggested I go upstairs to meet his British neighbor who's lived in India since 1958!

I thought it would be a good chance to get a different perspective on all this madness, so I agreed.

What a fascinating experience! The man, who's name I'll keep private for him/his family's sake, was born and raised til age 13 in Alexandria, Egypt, moved to the UK during his teens, fought in WWII across Europe (including liberating concentration camps), and returned to India in 1958 with a British-based business.

He met his wife in Calcutta, and eventually they had 2 daughters, both of whom were raised in India.

He can be a cranky old man (well he is 86) but he has so many stories! At times he gets graphic describing war scenes or talks about wanting to die as all his friends are gone...but overall just a fabulously intriguing chap!

I want to write more about him, and yet cannot think of how to encompass it here, now, so will leave it for the (possible) book...

Today is Monday, Titu's at work, and I am locked in my room at his house trying to avoid the cleaning servant who should arrive any moment.

I just don't like to be bothered, and really would rather do the damn housework myself!

It's mostly cloudy today and "cooler" (in relative terms)...though 89, while not as bad as 98, is still pretty darn hot.

Thankfully a storm system is due to arrive either tonight or tomorrow, bringing 60% chance thunderstorms for several days as well as even lower temps.

I leave for Udaipur on the train Wednesday. I still don't know whether Titu himself can get off work to take me or whether I'll be going with one of the non-English speaking servants.

I have no idea how to find the station let alone the train platform!

Terror is setting in.

Next steps after finding the train will include:

keeping myself and my possessions secure during the 17 hr overnight journey,

making sure I get off at the right station in Udaipur,

finding the driver from the guesthouse there who is supposed to meet me with my name plackard at the station in Udaipur, and

getting settled up and settled in at Shiva Guesthouse itself.

In all honesty, I plan to cry a lot between now and Wednesday early afternoon when this next stage of my journey begins.

Titu has spoiled me horribly here in Mumbai, taking care of all my necessities and keeping me safe.

But all this is at an end.

From here on out, I am on my own, armed with only the most basic of Hindi phrases, and virtually no understanding of how to do things in this country.

I am super scared...will I even be able to communicate?

What if I cannot express my wishes/needs?!

Will I be safe?

What about my possessions? Should I leave my laptop here and rely on cyber-cafes the rest of this trip? If I do that...what about my photos? I won't have enough storage on my card for 4.5 months worth of pics. Plus much of my travel info is stored in emails or Word docs.

ARGH

I am also having serious concerns about money...knowing my budget is so limited. Any miscalculation now could be tragic when I get to the later stages of my journey.

This is all so confusing. What the heck was I THINKING, coming to India alone on a rock bottom budget?! Why didn't someone kick my ass before I got on the plane?

Acclimating but Not with Grace

2009-11-05T02:06:00.000-05:00

I went out on a walk alone yesterday, once my host (from here on I'll call him my friend or by his nickname Titu) showed me a few places on my itinerary by having a taxi drive past them (he's very thoughtful that way).

Bought two varieties of spiced chai at Tea Centre...had a minor (ok somewhat more than minor) panic attack when I was told at their shop that a significant portion of my money was counterfeit! Out of 1500R they would only accept 1 note.

(long story short, found out later that for whatever reason they said so, this was NOT the case, the bills were fine...)

After leaving the Thomas Cook (foreign exchange) office, I walked to some pret-a-porter womens clothing shops where I purchased 2 kurtas (tunics) in plain earth tone fabrics to match the rest of my wardrobe.

I then wandered past University of Mumbai (fabulous architecture there!) and down one side of the maidan (literally "open field") where cricket matches are held.

I ended up in Colaba in a Indian Navy housing area where schools, a Catholic cathedral and lots of those old Victorian era (for my purposes meaning 1890s-1920s) once glorious mansions are crumbling in the tropical heat.

Great for photography!

I lost some of my fears regarding the people and was able to ask questions and answer people more easily when I was addressed.

I made my way to Leopolds where I had a mango lassi and some jeera pulao (cumin rice) for lunch.

Next, shopping at a few street vendors where I bought some paisley stationery with matching envelopes as well as a fabulous dupatta (type of traditional scarf) that matches my wardrobe.

Made a local pay phone call from a PCO (not sure what it stands for) where you put in a 1R coin for each 30 seconds talk time.

Then, hot and mentally wiped out, I found a taxi near the Taj Hotel and was delivered safely back to Titu's home across town for the grand total of 80R (less than $2).

Today I am a bit fatigued...female issues as well as needing some emotional/mental bounce-back time. I learned that I can do everything I need to do, but it is still a bit of an effort and I need some time to regain my interior fortitude before venturing out again.

Personal space/privacy and being able to live inside my own thoughts & feelings is a major issue for me. I am a quiet private person at my best...so being in a noisy over-crowded busy environment where my time is not really my own is a strain.

I just do not process life like so many other people do!

Conversation, especially with strangers, especially when I feel I'm being judged, is very difficult for me. Trying to relate to others whose thought patterns and social expectations are different is EXHAUSTING.

It's not that I find other people offensive, nor do I want to be anti-social. I just know I am not on the same level, I know I am not going to be understood, and I find having to watch what I say/do instead of just being as I am very draining.

I don't want to make a bad impression, but I can't keep up with certain ways of being/doing that I am expected to adhere to in certain circles!

All in all, things are improving. I do not claim to understand the way people interact here, even those of the same family or social status, let alone between classes/castes.

Which reminds me, I should mention, to give those back in the States or other western countries reading this more perspective, that although legally the caste system is no longer adhered to, it is still very much alive.

One small example:

Titu took me to a nice South Indian restaurant for lunch a few days ago where if it's busy you have to share your table with a stranger. While we were eating, a woman wearing elegant clothing and very nice jewelry came and sat at our table. She was very friendly, but after a few pleasantries she flat out asked him "Where is your family from? What is your caste?" and he answered without hesitation, as if it were the most normal question in the world.

This morning we went into a shop. You know, as westerners we walk into a shop and typically pick up what we like for ourselves and take it to the check-out. This was not an upscale shop, just a walk in bakery/mini grocery. But here, the customer tells the shopkeeper what he wants, then the shopkeeper tells an assistant who goes and retrieves it. We asked for bread, and a loaf was put into my hands. I simply thought it was for me to hold, but learned I was supposed to approve its freshness and then say whether it was acceptable!

So so much to learn! Am I truly up to this task? I hate making blunders! I hate looking like a fool! And yet, surely I can't be expected to know...can I?

Tomorrow, once I have rested and balanced out a bit, I plan to walk through a local shopping district here in Malabar Hill and over to Marine Drive...walk along the sea for a little ways...or maybe have Titu's taxi drop me somewhere along the seafront and walk back most if not all of the way...

Full Overwhelm

2009-11-02T23:12:00.000-05:00

Late last evening it really hit me that I am not adjusting very well at all to being here. All the constant stares, even if it is simply curiosity on the locals' part, make me super uncomfortable.

No one smiles, no one looks the least bit friendly. I feel like any minute someone is going to do something bad to me..."bad" being a vague sense that I am not welcome nor entirely safe.

Instead of feeling more comfortable here as days pass, I am feeling more afraid.

Of course, having a bad case of PMS is not helping. So far today I have done more crying than anything else.

Plus, I have caught some kind of sinus/throat infection or cold...coughing, sneezing, runny nose, and in the mornings it hurts so bad I can hardly swallow.

Yesterday my host took me to the Kalbadevi district, a bazaar area of Old Mumbai. If you follow the link you will see a not-very-descriptive overview of the area on wikipedia including a photo from the 1890s.

If you visit my flickr Mumbai set you will see the area as it is today (sample image below).

Besides the oppressive heat (looking for another word which can convey this), the area is virtually incomprehensible to the western mind which has never traveled outside western

nations.

People are everywhere and it seems like everyone is in a hurry. If you stop to try to take a photo you literally need to hide behind a car or door to avoid getting run into or pushed aside.

It's difficult to tell what is what, as most signs are in Hindi and many shop keepers (again, even when speaking Hin-glish) were (to me) incomprehensible.

And the smells.

How can I convey this experience to someone sitting in a safe clean quiet room on the other side of the planet?

Humans and animals alike are urinating and, in some corners, defecating on the street. Litter is tossed without a thought onto road/sidewalk...there simply are no trash bins, no dumpsters, no sanitation provisions of ANY sort (and this is true not just for the old town but for the upscale area where I'm staying, as well).

And open air restaurants are located directly on the street amidst it all.

I have lived in poverty myself...in trashy one room apartments above bars, in insect infested buildings, etc. None of them even equates to the depths of filth here.

Part of what I am trying to express is a lack of privacy and self-respect...or perhaps, lack of shame. Mumbai takes "you gotta do what you gotta do" to a level I never dreamed possible.

What's worse is seeing the rich sit in their gated guarded buildings bemoaning the plight of the country's poor (right outside their doors) while their servants do even the most menial tasks and go home hungry.

I am not a professional on knowing what the rich can do to help the poor. In my country I AM the poor (I've used every penny to my name for this trip, and even every penny would not have kept a roof over my head in the US w/no guarantee of finding another job). But I do know it is WRONG to sit in your air conditioned safety and say you feel sorry for the man on the street when you do nothing to help.

I am not here to judge or preach and do not want to take that route in my writings, but I do want to provide an accurate observation of the way it is, of the things I am seeing.

There is so much more I wish I could write about accurately.

The day we took the "house boy" (cleaning servant) to the hospital...the conditions there...again, lack of privacy in examination room, the rooms being open to the outdoors, dingy mismatched curtains and antiquated file systems (yellowed notebooks as charts).

It reminded me of a 1940s war type scenario.

Also I know a big part of my issue is that I feel really pressured to adapt faster, better. My host does not seem to understand my inability to simply "get over it" and get out and about on my own. It's like to him, emotional/mental health issues cannot possibly exist. I'm a mature physically healthy adult...so what's the problem?

I'm not really sure what to DO. I don't want to be stuck in my room for the next 9 days til I leave for Udaipur.

Maybe once the PMS passes...and once the weather cools a wee bit (even a few degrees will be a welcome change!)...I'll be more capable of facing this challenge.

I'm hoping to be brave enough to go out walking sometime mid-afternoon, today. Hanging Gardens (in reality just a terraced park) is in the neighborhood and I've been told it's a must-see for tourists.

Please continue praying for me, leaving kind encouraging comments, and connecting with me on twitter. Vibes and prayers from afar actually do help!

Edited to add: Important wiki/info on sanitation and water supply in India...this may be urban India's most urgent issue.

What is being done to improve facilities for the common citizen who may not even have a home?

Urgent issues:

*health regulations (if there are any, they surely don't seem to be enforced).

*trash/rubbish/refuse disposal facilities, pick up services, street clean up initiatives are all desperately needed

Pondering if there is any way at all I can get people interested in DOING something about these issues.

Might have to come from volunteer workers sourced from overseas...so far I have not met any locals who are concerned!

Acclimating is a LONG Process

2009-11-02T00:04:00.000-05:00

Acclimating to India is a LONG process. Maybe by the time my trip nears it's end I'll feel like I have somewhat gotten used to being here...if I'm lucky.

Everyone keeps asking if I'm having a good time. How on earth do I respond to that? Best to say I am not having a BAD time.

But so many factors come into play...

*Still not 100% recovered from jet lag, feeling better every day but still tired and sore. In addition, the oppressive heat (96-100F daily) and pollution (inc. noise pollution) are affecting my sinuses, sense of balance, appetite, sleep cycle and more.

*I am not sure I will EVER get used to being stared at so boldly with such a lack of friendliness.

On one hand, I am just trying to ignore it, just not really looking at people and doing my own thing.

On the other hand it is virtually impossible to ignore. You can't even walk in the park or to a high end tourist shop without causing a disruption.

*Language barrier...although many of my host's friends speak very good English, it is still spoken quite rapidly and with a very strong accent. Sometimes (I'm embarrassed to admit) I can't even tell when they are speaking English, especially when they mix Hindi and English phrases!

I have learned several words/phrases in Hindi, but don't have enough connective words to move from 'yes', 'no', 'thank you" and (my greatest achievement) "I would like some______", to actually expressing my own thoughts.

Culture barrier...there is no reference point here.

I can't stress enough how difficult this part is for ME, as I am super sensitive, self-conscious and anxiety ridden even in my own US surroundings at the best of times.

Here, now, even if I understand what's being said as far as the WORDS, the meaning beneath them can be vastly different, so I hesitate to engage in conversation.

More than anything else, this barrier makes me feel like bawling like a baby.

I feel like I cannot make myself understood (besides, most of time, with my host) and also cannot understand what's going on.

Other factors are, I am somewhat reliant on my host when he's off work for deciding a daily schedule. We've been napping in the worst heat every afternoon after lunch, sometimes til almost dusk.

I am trying to keep up with my thoughts and process my experiences here and in my written journal.

I am trying to work on editing and uploading my pics.

Still, my time is NOT fully my own. It would be rude not to dine with my host or chat with his friends and so on.

I suppose starting tomorrow I'll have a better perspective how I'll pass my time when it IS my own, as he'll be going back to work and I'll have most of the daylight hours on my own.

I am planning a few more walks especially in his general neighborhood, and also Marine Drive as well as Nariman Pt. and Ballard Estate (more "touristy" areas insomuch as Mumbai has touristy areas).

Time now to run errands...do some shopping...get a cell phone, some salwar kameez (clothing), maybe even buy some BEADS!

Forthcoming: descriptions of a local hospital, the thali lunch we had yesterday, and some typical sights and sounds of the area

Mappi Mumbai

2009-10-31T05:29:00.000-04:00

I am here (under the A...zoom out for perspective)

View Larger Map

and you're not.

Happy Halloween from Mumbai.

It is an extraordinarily hot day, around 98F (33C ?).

I have been trying, obviously unsuccessfully, to nap.

I am still not over the jet lag, and my tummy is fussy.

We had lunch at a "street food" style (but higher quality, my host says) shop

called The Sweet People...items ate include panipuri,

samosa, bhelpuri (I didn't like the texture

of this one & let my host eat it), and bhajji.

YUMMY

After returning from lunch we both chose to nap out the rest of the afternoon!

Sunset begins around 15-30 minutes from now and I am pondering a walk in the

park beside the Arabian Sea, just around the other side of this apartment complex area.

Tomorrow the only plans I know of are lunch with host's grandmother and hopefully buy my

cell phone, which I was hoping to do today.

Monday I think we are going (by boat) to the family beach house at Awas, north of Mumbai.

Thus far on My journey

2009-10-30T01:05:00.000-04:00

Namaste!
I arrived safely in Mumbai on schedule at 8:50pm on 28 October 2009. The flight was long but made less irritable by Continental's interactive individual seatback entertainment consoles. You can choose from hundreds of movies of all kinds, various musical genres on a personal jukebox, tv shows...even games for those so inclined!
After dinner and watching part of "Gandhi", I took some sleepy meds and drifted in and out of sleep for about 7 hrs out of the 14 hr crossing. We flew from night in Newark into sunrise, through the day above Europe...
Upon waking we were flying over Turkmenistan, and it was nearing sunset again. The flight map showed us passing over Afghanistan...Pakistan. I saw the lights of Kandahar and Karachi and to me it seemed weird to be flying over a war zone.

Breakfast was served shortly before landing, even though it was now night.

The airport arrival procedure was oddly simple. There was an H1N1 screening center but they didn't screen anything other than to ask if you had been to an infected country or had any symptoms. Even people who were coughing and sneezing answered "no" to the symptoms and everyone was cleared without question!
Then there was "customs"...again, no questions if you said "nothing to declare".
On to baggage claim, which took seemingly forever!
It was about 10pm when I finally followed the crowd into the Mumbai night...the airport just opens into an outdoor waiting area jam packed with people holding signs.
It took several minutes to find my host...I was starting to get really worried when I finally stopped looking at the crowd and looked UP...and there he was, laughing.
We were delivered back to his place in Malabar Hill (India's wealthiest neighborhood) by a chaffeur (one of his friend's drivers, he said) but in a tiny car!
We talked for a few hours...but it was dark, I was mentally wiped out, and not much sank in.
He showed me to my room (very cozy)...his 2 BR/2BA apartment is all very cozy and tasteful...and I slept off and on from midnight til 5am

But you probably don't want these mundane details.

Admittedly, I'm not quite sure what to tell you...not where to begin or how to encompass everything I've already observed the past 2 days.

I decided to start with what India is not, no matter how trite or slanted the following might sound.

1: India is definitely NOT the United States or even England or Europe, for so many reasons. Of course, I never expected it WOULD be, but you cannot conceive of the difference until you are in the midst of it.
I walked yesterday (more on that later) and in places there were no other westerners, and indeed at times I was stared at like they'd never even SEEN a westerner.
Despite being told it's easy to get by in English, I did NOT find that to be the case, even when asking uniformed guards or street policemen for directions.

2: India is not "modern" in the sense we know it. Yes, they have technology. Internet and cell phones and all that are pervasive, at least in Mumbai. But infrastructure is oddly antiquated...to my (decidedly uneducated) eye, the city is more or less still in the 1950s or thereabouts.
Wires are hanging everywhere, not hidden or underground. Even in the upscale apartment building there is an antiquated lift run by a "bell hop" of sorts.

3: India, or rather Mumbai (massive as it is) is NOT quiet, slow-paced, or peaceful.
Traffic is INSANE! While there are red lights and crossing lights, they seem to be interpreted more as very general guidelines than as rules. There are marked traffic lanes, but no one heeds , them. People step into oncoming traffic to cross, and in most places walk on the street with traffic (cars, auto-rickshaws, pony drawn carts,scooters, etc) to get where they're going (sidewalks are few and far between in some areas). And the cacophony of sound! WOW overwhelming! Drivers are constantly honking at other vehicles. At times it's impossible to tell who is honking at who or why, it's more like everyone just wants to be heard!
Honestly, for about 5 hours after getting out of traffic last night, I still heard honking echoing inside my skull!

4: The caste/class system, despite having been legally abolished decades ago, is still very much alive and in effect. The rich live in high rise apartment blocks. Between these "estates" are street dwellers, some in shacks, some simply sleeping on the pavement. Dogs and cats walk and sleep on the streets and sidewalks, oblivious to the movements of people. I even saw one dog trotting alone in the middle of a busy city street, like he thought he was one of the cars, like he thought he had to get somewhere after his work day, too.
To my American sensibilities, the divide between the classes, and the way it is perceived/addressed by wealthier natives, is unfathomable. Of course, I have the same problem in the USA, so that is more a personal issue than a cultural one.
I am not here to pass judgement, merely report what I have seen.

Having said all of that...India IS real, and I AM here for another 5 months!

I have a lot concerns and anxieties which I tried to address yesterday by having my host drop me off at Gateway of India. Within minutes I was accosted by half a dozen hawkers trying to sell tickets to Elephanta Caves, other local tours, food/drinks, souvenirs...even a "holy man" who dabbed red paint on my forehead, offered me some kind of round white sweet (probably sugar cubes) and tied a string on my wrist (I'm not sure what these are called) and then proceeded to ask me for 500rupees ($10US). I gave him a 50R note and apologized as honestly I had no clue and my entire daily budget was 500R. (I was later told by someone else that even a 50 was more than that man normally probably made in a full day and that I should not even acknowledge hearing anyone from now on...difficult!)

I walked from Gateway up to Victoria Station and was constantly stunned by the local realities. FILTH is pervasive. Everyone simply tosses rubbish into the street or water. In places you can smell raw sewage. Some people are living on a blanket on the pavement.
At Prince of Wales Museum, which I thought would be modern and classy, it was hot, stifling, and the Indian visitors were unruly and disrespectful, TOUCHING the ancient exhibits, pushing in front of foreign visitors who were trying to read what few (and often inaccurate) informative signs there were. At times I felt like I was the most interesting exhibit in the place, both men and women stared at me so openly, even though I was dressed VERY conservatively (unlike several other westerners I saw).
On the street, some children actually grabbed my hand as I passed them, saying "Hello America! Hello American" With the children it was easy to laugh it off. I also had a woman, older than me, start walking beside me and speaking in an Indian language or dialect, of course I had no clue what she was saying, I kept smiling at her and saying "I'm sorry I don't understand" and trying to politely walk ahead of her, but she'd hurry up beside me again and say something more.
I felt strange...embarassed...uncomfortable (like my space was being invaded).
I didn't want to offend her by walking away and yet...what else could I do? If I had stopped, EVERYONE would have surrounded me expecting talk or money.
Another disconcerting experience was the cafeteria (in reality a snack stand w/a drink machine in an open (filthy) courtyard at the museum. The locals have a few water taps and everyone shares the same cups (there were maybe 4 cups). Some poured the water into their mouths from above without touching their lips...others did NOT and drank direct from the metal cup). Children washed in the same sink. Even in the museum, some people were barefoot and covered in dirt.

My host wants me to get out on my own. To take the taxi in the daytime whether they speak English or not. To walk in his neighborhood, even the slums part. He says it is perfectly safe and that I need to get used to it. Which may well be true. But those of you who know me know that I have social anxiety issues even in places where I speak the language and know the customs.
The thought of venturing out on my own at this stage is terrifying.
I know it's all my own mental/emotional block and hopefully I can overcome it, but I am not going to rush into anything that feels unsafe emotionally.

At this moment, it is 11:30am. I have been feeling a bit queasy (light headed, mild nausea) this morning, off and on, and have a mild case of "Delhi belly". Awhile ago I had a nosebleed.
Hoping it is merely fatigue, jet lag...stress...and not something serious. I've been very careful to drink only bottled water and juice or soda...except for a few ice cubes in my drink at the club last night which my host told me were pure).
Of course, pure to him and pure to me might not be at all the same thing.

I've had very little appetite since arriving. Yesterday I ate 2 plain roti for breakfast and had chai and plain black tea, then some garlic naan at lunch, and a nice dinner of traditional Indian foods (all of which I've tried before in either US or UK) for dinner.
This morning, again, no appetite, had about half an apple so far today.

Other things of "note": I tried my frist yoga class this morning! My host has 2 friends and a yoga teacher come twice a week and I was able to do the stretching if not the correct breathing or meditation.

A "weird" moment occurred when I stood by Gateway of India looking at The Taj Hotel. Obviously it came to international attention last November when the terrorist bombings and shootings occurred there. From that side, there was virtually no evidence it had ever happened. The 5 star resort is open again and thriving. But it felt very strange, to look at it in person and know it was the scene of such tragedy and terror last year (like going to Ground Zero a few years after 9/11, on a somewhat lesser scale)
I always find it surreal to be on the scene of an event that I watched on the news at some point in the past, especially one where people died.

Later in the day I actually went into the Taj lobby, where I met some visitors from Israel who suggested we go to The Leopold Cafe around the block. As we sipped soda they pointed out a blackened gap in the building across the street...damage from the terrorist attacks the previous year, and reminded me that several people had died in the cafe right where we were sitting.

The Leopold itself is fabulous, a real international place, where western faces were prevalent. There seem to be a lot of Israelis and former eastern bloc countries represented, along with the British. I really liked it there, although I admit my reasons feel a bit prejudiced even to myself.
It was clean, the staff understood English, and prices were quite reasonable.
After leaving, on my way back to meet my host at our prearranged spot, I gathered enough courage to venture into a few of the shops (truth: only after I saw other tourists there), and even to ask about prices at a few of the street vendors selling lanterns and clothing.

This is probably the longest blog entry I have ever done and I still don't feel like I've even begun to scratch the surface of what I've experienced in just my first 36 hrs in India.

It's now just past noon and I'm getting progressively dizzier and more nauseated, so I'm going to try to sleep awhile.
Hopefully this is nothing serious but to be honest I really feel like CRAP!

APPENDED to add:
2:40pm have been unable to nap but thankfully feeling less dizzy/nauseated

Unfortunately, I have just found out about the new warning issued by US govt to Americans traveling in India re: new threats/potential for terrorist attacks targeting Americans & other westerners. We are to keep "low profiles", stay away from places frequented by westerners and avoid major tourist attractions!
UMM...right. Great. Fabulous.
Now what?
On one hand, I am seriously contemplating going to the US Embassy (in my general "neighborhood") to learn more and let them advise as to whether I should change plans, or even cancel them.
On the other hand, just this morning after yoga I was telling my host's friends how we cannot allow the threat of terrorism to ruin our lives! Of course as I was saying it I did not realize there were real new threats!

ZOIKS.
Yet another position I have never been in before, never dreamed I could/would be in.
Also debating whether to pass this news along to my family as I don't want to worry my mother unnecessarily.

As of now, my plans remain unchanged, although I suppose I will take whatever more small precautions I can (and hopefully this won't mean having to avoid Leopolds...but...)

Last Night in the States til...

2009-10-26T21:49:00.000-04:00

This is it...my last night in the USA til late March 2010 is finally here, and it STILL doesn't seem real.

Twelve hrs from now I'll be en route to the airport. Seventeen hrs from now I'll board the first leg of my journey.

Forty-seven hrs from now I'll be arriving in Mumbai.

I finished packing days ago. I've printed out all my train tickets, rechecked luggage, and packed away everything which is going back into storage here.

I've researched everything I can think of for my stay in Mumbai.

I can only "pray" that I get along better than expected with my old college friend there, whose emails and calls started as fun and frequent and over the weeks til now dwindled to barely a sentence in reply to my repeated queries.

I can only hope I am able to boldy face the strangeness and foreignness of a faraway land whose culture, traditions, food, even native language is not my own.

I am numb. I am not sure if I have remembered everything. I have been strangely unable to think, to focus on this adventure.

I am clearly in some form of denial...perhaps as a defense mechanism against panic.

At some point tomorrow I will probably break out in tears. I have been known to cry a lot while in flight.

But honestly, I have done all I can do as far as preparations.

Perhaps my atypical non-drama, this go around, is merely my own emotional evolution?

Whereas in past days I may have been in hysterics by this stage, tonight I am only tired and resigned.

Wednesday night I will land in the heat of Mumbai, meet a stranger I haven't seen since 1987, and embark on a part of my life I never expected to be facing.

My hope is to chronicle my experiences here on a weekly basis, as I explore bazaars, temples, and Indian trains.

Pray for me as you watch my journey unfold.

India Itinerary

2009-10-08T16:30:00.001-04:00

For those of you who have expressed interest/curiosity, here is my tentative itinerary for India (excluding specific dates).

I am traveling almost exclusively by train with the exception of Dharamsala which is only accessible by coach.

~Arrive Mumbai; staying with college friend

I'll spend 14 days in Mumbai

~train to Udaipur; lakeside guesthouse booked

spending 10 days

~train to Jaipur; couchsurf(.org) host arranged

spending 7 days

~train to Jaisalmer; couchsurf host arranged

spending 13 days

~train to Jodhpur; couchsurf host arranged

spending 5 days

~train to Delhi; couchsurf host arranged for all but 3 nights

spending 5 days

~train to Agra; guesthouse booked

spending 5 days

~train to Varanasi; guesthouse/cultural exchange booked

spending a full month

~return Delhi then on to Dharamsala (home of Dalai Lama)

spending a full month

~return to Mumbai for final 3 weeks

daytrip~Goa???

short trip Aurangabad/ Ellora and Ajanta Caves if finances permit

19 Days til Departure

2009-10-08T16:18:00.000-04:00

Less than three weeks, now, til I board my flight for Mumbai.

It still seems very distant, removed, unreal.

My work season here in the Colorado Rockies just ended, and I am still living in my dorm room, not yet even entirely packed to return to Florida for the short rest in between adventures.

I am drained, emotionally and physically.

It has not quite sunk in yet (at least not completely) that I have survived yet another astonishingly difficult period of my life.

I have vowed NEVER to take on seasonal work in the park concessions system again.

I cannot pack for India until I get back and unpack in Florida...which is five and a half days from today.

So again, the theme is "limbo". I am stuck in some kind of middle ground.

Disconcerting.

Plans have been changed due to panic attack/mini-crisis, then changed back again. I now have all my inter-India rail tickets up until 31 December 2009...

I'll be ringing in the New Year on an overnight train between Delhi and Varanasi, and will start 2010 in one of the world's holiest cities.

It still does not seem real.

Tickets, and Trust

2009-09-15T21:09:00.000-04:00

Tickets for planes and trains have, for the most part, been booked. I have my list of sites to see, though there is still some room for it to evolve.

Some days I feel confident and excited. Others, numb with fear.

I've heard many negative things about India, especially as a woman traveling alone by train.

But, I am going to trust the kindness of people who want the world to think highly of them. And not expect things to be like they are in middle class America.

This is, after all (amongst other things), a quest to rediscover faith in humanity, if not faith in something greater.

Like a crazy woman, I plan to bathe in the Ganges at Haridwar and maybe Varanasi and pray in temples the names of whose Gods I do not know. But the holy places...the temples and ruins...are extras.

What I'm really looking for is some kind of emotional cleansing, a healing...

In some ways this has already begun, as I take steps every day to reclaim my life.

I have not yet let out all the grief...the pain of losing my family, my innocence, of drugs and alcohol, the deaths of my Granny and my uncle...being abused and harassed and threatened by co-workers in the park concessions/hospitality work world...

The pain of leaving behind almost everything REAL about me in order to have a roof over my head and some kind of income.

My promise to myself is that after I come home from this trip, I will never compromise my work or life goals again.

I'm not sure yet how I will accomplish this, but I have voiced my intention and know I must move forward.

The trip to India, and everything that comes after, are, more than anything, about being who I am and doing what I love!

Zen and the Fear of Hell

2009-08-25T10:03:00.000-04:00

My soul really wants to study, and hopefully absorb and FOLLOW, the teachings of Hinduism and Buddhism (Mahayana, esp. Zen).
However, the raised-Lutheran part of me has a real obstacle with this because I have such a deep-seated fear that I am gonna go to hell for forsaking the Christian God, even though I already despise the term Christian and disagree strongly with what passes as "Christian" behavior.
How on earth do I resolve this fear and contradiction?

I want peace...in my soul, on the planet, everywhere. Christianity cannot give me that.
I don't know yet whether Hinduism or Buddhism can...but I am determined to explore and find out.

My trip to India plans are developing and I know for certain that I will spend at least one month in Varanasi explorigin Hinduism, and hopefully an equal amount of time in Dharamsala learning about Tibetan Mahayana Buddhism.
After I return to the US I am hoping to move to a Buddhist center in California and spend a long time serving others while nourishing my spirit.

Whatever your spiritual path is, please pray for me.

Limbo

2009-08-16T22:18:00.000-04:00

Since my premiere post, I have been in a state of limbo, if you will.

Thankfully, my India visa was approved (one year, multiple entry) and I heard from my friend in Mumbai with an invite to consider his home my home~base while in India.

A very generous offer and one I am quite grateful for, although it has sparked a bit of confusion and reconsideration of travel plans...not a bad thing, by any means, but I am quite a "planner" & often unexpected changes in plans leave me shaken, unsure, confused.

So I am now doing deeper research on Mumbai & vicinity & finding a lot of fascinating places to explore in the region of Malabar Hill and South Mumbai (more details to come in weeks ahead as new plans form).

I have not yet bought my flight tickets, which I had hoped (and planned) to do by this past Wednesday. I had to ask for a cash advance, sent by PayPal, to clear, and am now in the midst of 3-5 business days hold while that is transferred from PayPal to my bank!

My new "plan" is to purchase the ticket by Thursday of this week (which also happens to be my 41st birthday!)

Perhaps there will also be a fortuitous airfare sale waiting for me.

Sacred Sojourns: Photos & Ponderings from Holy Places

2009-08-09T23:09:00.000-04:00

While I have never been an overtly religious person, somehow a deep sense of spiritualty, or perhaps mysticism, has always been an integral part of my personality.
I have always been hungry for a sense of connection with the divine, and am drawn to ancient religious sites as well as religious rituals.
Although raised in a Protestant (Lutheran ELCA) church, during my teenage years I became drawn to older traditions, not necessarily limited to Christianity...and more to the rituals than the beliefs, for some unknown reason.
Perhaps I have always drawn a sense of comfort from them?
I liked the idea of burning incense to send prayers to heaven, the use of icons and medals bearing images of holy personages.
On several extended trips to Ireland and the UK, I visited numerous early Christian sites...abbeys, cloisters, early cathedrals...as well as pagan sites including stone circles and Neolithic tombs.
In the silent presence of stone, I felt something "greater than"...a sense of continuity and purpose, if not a plan. Perhaps a connection with people who actually DID believe.

And now, just over a week from my 41st birthday, I am embarking on a quest to seek out spiritual places from foreign cultures.
I don't know exactly what I am looking for and can't even begin to guess what I will find.
I do not hope to find God.
Perhaps I am looking for a deeper faith in humanity, having had a long string of negative experiences with my fellow man.

And due to a string of apparent coincidences, the first stop on my journey is among some of the oldest cultures on the planet...the Hindus and Buddhists of India.
You can read some of the planning details and dates for this trip in my most recent entries at Just Real Life

This blog will be dedicated to my plans and preparations for this journey as well as my observations on spirituality, images of holy places, and links to relevant websites.
And, of course, to what happens to me when I actually reach my destinations, and, perhaps evn ...my destiny.