It IS Called Practice, After All

Due to lack of internet connectivity in my current living situation, it has been almost a full month since my last update. I have thought often about what I would write when this time came around, but am still unclear where I want this post to go.

Lately I have been reminding myself often, maybe even several times a day, that I have only been practicing Buddhism since mid-March. That prior to returning from India, I had no idea what the Four Noble Tryuths or Eightfold Path even were, let alone trying to internalize them and live them daily.

Since moving and starting this new job, I have had a variety successes and failures "using" the Buddhist path. I feel like I fail at least as often as I succeed.
Well, after all it IS called "practice".
How can I possibly expect myself to be perfect, especially after such a short time?

My main issues the past few weeks have been threefold:
1) living in a dorm w/150 people aged 18-85 from about 7 different (and diverse) countries
2) working day in day out w/those people in an atmosphere of "catty" gossip
3) my terrible chemical (probably hormonal) imbalances which sometimes ruin up to 14 days of each month

These three points have caused me to lose my mind in anger and frustration numerous times, recently. I have participated in gossiping, have had way too many malicious thoughts (never the intent of causing physical harm, but wishing bad things at others who hurt me), have shouted in anger, etc.
But I think I have hurt myself more than anyone else. And I genuinely feel bad about all of it.
It is just such an ingrained pattern, such a knee-jerk reaction. Especially the PMS-induced parts!
I have been doing a lot of practices aimed at purifying negative karma.

Just the past day or so, I have been able to calm my mind enough to think clearly about it for the first time in a few weeks.
I have gone back to simply saying the mantra which got me through most of my experience in India:
"It is what it is. It just IS. Accept. Allow. Let go. Breathe."
In this case, it sometimes goes like "____(person) is a (insert suitable negative term)" or "gossip just is a reality at work"... I don't like it. I am not required to like it. But I also need to remember, IN THAT MOMENT, there is nothing else, that I cannot change it by wishing or being angry.

I have been able to feel like a human being again.
Of course, the PMS portion of the show is over again for about the next 14 days...so we shall see how mcuh progress has actually been made once 17 June or so rolls around.

I am currently reading a variety of online articles by various Tibetan Buddhist teachers including HH the 14th Dalai Lama regarding how to deal with negative emotions and developing compassion.
At times I feel like I have achieved the mind of bodhicitta...even if it only lasts for a few minutes.

Of course, there's a whole new story! More often than not, when I say I truly wish happiness and peace for ALL beings, it means that I wish them all to learn and practice Buddhism so that there are no more conflicts for me to cope with!
Ego alert!
I am pretty sure this signifies a character flaw in myself, the wish for a better experience in my current life within samsara...
Karma is confusing to me. The idea that my current bad experiences are the result of negative karma created in the past, possibly even numerous lifetimes ago. It doesn't seem quite right.

And as I plow through all this confusion, I am determined to persevere. There have been moments when I at least felt like I absolutely "got it" and really aspired to become a bodhisattva, so I know that somewhere within me the potential remains, and that I must continue the journey...

Bodhicitta and Beyond

This is going to be one of my most difficult posts yet...to write, at any rate.
[note: this post is intended mostly for my non-Buddhist readers who wonder what exactly is going on with me right now, and who are not familiar with what Buddhism teaches. I am not intending to "convert" anyone, just shed some light.]

Most of you know I haven't been a Buddhist that long, technically speaking. In fact, I am a newcomer to it since my recent exposure to Tibetan culture, and as per my previous post am only just beginning an actual study and practice of Buddhism.
However, even before taking refuge I already had Buddhist tendencies/leanings, I guess you could say.

The things which bother me (and have since my teens) most about Christianity (my own upbringing) are:
1) Lack of accountability for your own actions (it never ceased to amaze me that many who claim to be Christians really believe you can sin and simply say a prayer,likely half-hearted, and that makes whatever you did ok- at least in your own mind). Buddhists seem to me to tend to examine karma more closely...at least serious ones who are truly interested in a higher rebirth. I am actually more likely to behave properly, morally, as a Buddhist than I ever did when I was a Christian.

2) Seeing so many Christians NOT follow the teachings of Christ (which I guess ties in with the above). I hated listening to talk of converting heathens. I hated seeing politicians use Christian doctrine. I hated knowing that over the past 2000 odd years that more people have been slaughtered in the name of Christ than I care to think about. I saw that the church was not Christ and was shocked that no one else in my otherwise fairly intelligent immediate circle seemed to catch on to that, too. I lost friends when I tried to explain to them that Islam also teaches non-violence and that there are as many Christian radicals as Muslim terrorists.

Then I read today's post at Sweep the Dust, Push the Dirt, a blog by a Zen Buddhist online acquaintance, which actually prompted me to write this post.

So, as it IS related (ie the above complaints would be less of an issue provided everyone knew about the items below), I wanted to talk about bodhicitta...metta...and beyond. I honestly believe everyone can, and should, follow these guidelines, because the teachings are not at all limited to Buddhism (well, except bodhicitta).

Bodhicitta: the wish to attain enlightenment so as to reincarnate repeatedly to help all other sentient beings attain enlightenment.  (hey look! a wiki on How to Cultivate Bodhicitta!)
Of course I cannot claim to have total bodhicitta motivation. I'm not sure anyone can. We are not perfect. Every now and again ( we think of our own needs, our own comforts, in this life.
But I DO strongly wish for peace, and for permanent world peace to happen, all sentient beings must become enlightened.
So I endeavor to remind myself repeatedly and to practice...

Metta: loving-kindness...a pure selfless compassion for all other beings as based on the notion that, via eons of reincarnations, all other beings have at one time been our mothers (some say think "mothers, friends, lovers"). Meaning, we act kindly towards anything living (even insects) because we know we are intimately connected. Everything has its place and purpose. Harming any other beings is harmful to ourselves, to humankind as a whole, and to the planet.

Metta also involves Right Speech and Right Action, which fall under the Buddhist Precepts (or moral code of conduct, if you will).
Right Speech means that we are honest. We do not lie. But it goes far beyond that. It also means that we do not speak out of anger or with the intent of hurting any other living being. We do not gossip or talk about anyone behind his back. And we avoid "idle talk" about useless topics (and yes, these are really hard to follow, because if taken literally it would mean we pretty much shouldn't say anything at all...which is a recommended part of it, according to Buddha Sakyamuni).
Right Action means we do not intentionally kill (another person, animal, or insect). We do not intentionally cause injury or suffering to any other sentient being. We do not steal...interpreted as meaning never to take anything not freely given to you. We avoid sexual misconduct (and this is open to a wide range of interpretations which I won't go into in detail) mostly meaning not to cause any harm by our sexual deeds (ie no rape, no extramarital affairs, no sex with minors, no suggestive behavior w/monks or nuns...you get the idea)

There are many places on the web to read much more about these concepts. I started with About Buddhism and followed links until I was satisfied!

I am really far from perfect. I eat meat. I have to try really REALLY hard not to kill ant colonies in my kitchen...no matter how hard I try, I can't envision them as my mother and do not feel loving-kindness for them! I get upset when I am attacked...but fortunately I am increasingly less likely to respond out of anger these days!
I hope I don't come across as preachy.
I have to remind myself through my own words on the subject that I need to think about these topics and try harder every day!


Wanna learn more about Bodhicitta?! (see left)

I also highly recommend reading any and all works by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.

The Face of Holiness

Woke this morning at 6:50am and decided almost immediately, after last night's uncertainty, that it was important to attend the Long Life Ceremony for HH the 14th Dalai Lama.
By 7:10am I was en route to the main temple...the following is what I wrote by hand while sitting and watching. (I am going to type it as it appears in my notes, replete with expressive capitalizations)

Seated upstairs at the main temple, again not exactly sure what to expect. I'm enjoying watching an elderly Tibetan monk seated on the ground nearby trying to convey something to some westerners in animated gestures.
Sometimes language is unnecessary.

You don't look at clothing here, so much. You look at faces. At motions.

The constant chanting of mantras passes into my core. A strange soft warmth fills me.
For a moment, I understand EVERYTHING.
These people are not here for me to "love" in western terms. They are here for me to LOVE, purely, unconditionally.
They are my GURUS!
The energy is pure life force...although until today I just had no other way to interpret it except as "sexual". An invisible thread is pulling bodies to sway in unison.
I know HH is near when I see a monk pour his tea...I know it is his tea because the mug is set next to his "dias", I have seen this ritual before.
Then the horns, the cymbals...crowd rising to its feet, hands steepled.
HH arrives, passes into the temple sanctum, takes his seat as attendees bow.
Indian military with machine guns stroll the perimeter as the pocha and sweet rice servce begn.
I don't so much hear the chants anymore as feel them straight through my ribcage and lower abdomen.

HH is seated on a dias just out of my line of vision. Every now and then I catch a glimpse of his hands, the hat on his head as he leans forward, his red-robed knee.

Monk robes hold great appeal for me, aesthetically. Draped, sweeping, graceful, elegant...they lend an air of mystery; they are mystical...like the creatures under them are ethereal, something "more than". Transcendent.

After the prayer ceremony and offerings and blessings, the guards shift the crowd to make a path for HH and the other dignitaries. High Lamas with their conch shell horns herald the passage of HH.
To my shock and delight, HH stops about 3 feet in front of me to talk to some girls holding "Free Tibet" signs. He is so close I could literally touch his arm without stretching! I hear his natural, unaided voice ask them "What country?" and thank them for their support.
The Tibetan man beside me and I look at one another simultaneously, both absolutely beaming at our shared good fortune. A few feet further on he paused again to accept some Buddha and Hanuman statuettes being offered by a local inchi hippie guy. HH looks amused at the Hanuman, turning it over in his hands, even playing with its movable tail like a child delightedly examining a new toy.
Precious.
Priceless.
Totally unpretentious.
This IS where I need to be.
This is the answer to everything.