It IS Called Practice, After All

Due to lack of internet connectivity in my current living situation, it has been almost a full month since my last update. I have thought often about what I would write when this time came around, but am still unclear where I want this post to go.

Lately I have been reminding myself often, maybe even several times a day, that I have only been practicing Buddhism since mid-March. That prior to returning from India, I had no idea what the Four Noble Tryuths or Eightfold Path even were, let alone trying to internalize them and live them daily.

Since moving and starting this new job, I have had a variety successes and failures "using" the Buddhist path. I feel like I fail at least as often as I succeed.
Well, after all it IS called "practice".
How can I possibly expect myself to be perfect, especially after such a short time?

My main issues the past few weeks have been threefold:
1) living in a dorm w/150 people aged 18-85 from about 7 different (and diverse) countries
2) working day in day out w/those people in an atmosphere of "catty" gossip
3) my terrible chemical (probably hormonal) imbalances which sometimes ruin up to 14 days of each month

These three points have caused me to lose my mind in anger and frustration numerous times, recently. I have participated in gossiping, have had way too many malicious thoughts (never the intent of causing physical harm, but wishing bad things at others who hurt me), have shouted in anger, etc.
But I think I have hurt myself more than anyone else. And I genuinely feel bad about all of it.
It is just such an ingrained pattern, such a knee-jerk reaction. Especially the PMS-induced parts!
I have been doing a lot of practices aimed at purifying negative karma.

Just the past day or so, I have been able to calm my mind enough to think clearly about it for the first time in a few weeks.
I have gone back to simply saying the mantra which got me through most of my experience in India:
"It is what it is. It just IS. Accept. Allow. Let go. Breathe."
In this case, it sometimes goes like "____(person) is a (insert suitable negative term)" or "gossip just is a reality at work"... I don't like it. I am not required to like it. But I also need to remember, IN THAT MOMENT, there is nothing else, that I cannot change it by wishing or being angry.

I have been able to feel like a human being again.
Of course, the PMS portion of the show is over again for about the next 14 days...so we shall see how mcuh progress has actually been made once 17 June or so rolls around.

I am currently reading a variety of online articles by various Tibetan Buddhist teachers including HH the 14th Dalai Lama regarding how to deal with negative emotions and developing compassion.
At times I feel like I have achieved the mind of bodhicitta...even if it only lasts for a few minutes.

Of course, there's a whole new story! More often than not, when I say I truly wish happiness and peace for ALL beings, it means that I wish them all to learn and practice Buddhism so that there are no more conflicts for me to cope with!
Ego alert!
I am pretty sure this signifies a character flaw in myself, the wish for a better experience in my current life within samsara...
Karma is confusing to me. The idea that my current bad experiences are the result of negative karma created in the past, possibly even numerous lifetimes ago. It doesn't seem quite right.

And as I plow through all this confusion, I am determined to persevere. There have been moments when I at least felt like I absolutely "got it" and really aspired to become a bodhisattva, so I know that somewhere within me the potential remains, and that I must continue the journey...

Doing the Work

These days I am offered plenty of opportunities to PRACTICE and do the work of living as a Buddhist. I have relocated to a new part of the country, started a new job, and am living in dorm-style company housing with a lot of new people.
I learn something new everyday. Often I quickly forget whatever I have learned and find myself relearning it the next day, over and over.
Mostly, I am working with the precepts. The Three Pure Precepts...The Five Layperson's Precepts...The Ten Mahayana Precepts.  The book featured below is the one I am currently reading.
  
For me, on a minute by minute basis, the most difficult precept is Right Speech. Right speech means a lot of things. It means that the practitioner should try not to lie, try not to gossip, and try not to engage in idle conversation. This can also be phrased in a positive light...that we try to be honest and to say things which are helpful and useful.

Other aspects of this precept are that we should try not to speak of others' faults and mistakes. We should avoid blaming others. And we should avoid praising ourselves.
I never realized how difficult all these things were until I tried to get through a work day following the guidelines!
The guidelines are only that...guidelines. They are meant to help us create a world where beings can coexist peacefully. The precepts can be practiced by anyone of any religion.
The idea is to focus on our samenesses, not our differences.
Being kind, gentle, honest, helpful etc are all ways we can create an atmosphere of loving-kindness in our immediate environment.
Sometimes it is hard when the urge is to join a conversation and say things that make you "fit in" as part of the group, or to commiserate about a bad experience, or to lash out at someone whose negativity has disrupted the work place, and so forth.

Some things I am doing which may help others who are looking for ways to practice the precepts or simply to have a better daily experience (or which may prompt you to find your own methods):
*Whenever someone bugs me, I try to focus on his positive qualities. Granted, these are sometimes difficult to see, especially in the heat  of the moment. But perhaps it is enough to say to yourself...this person is doing the best they can, perhaps they have never been taught another way of being/doing.
*I remind myself that everyone wants the same basic things...peace, happiness, food, shelter, love. We really do have more in common than not, regardless of religious beliefs or political ideologies.
*I remind myself that the goal is to create harmony, not to be right or to "win".
*I remind myself that I do not wish to do harm or add harm to a difficult situation.

Every day, I do not meet my own expectations. Sometimes (ok, often) I fail at the above. That is okay. The point is that we earnestly TRY. Every new moment is a new opportunity to do better.

I truly want to do whatever I can to make this world a better place for all beings, and so I will continue to work with the precepts!
I pray that my words may reach and inspire others to focus on making this world a better place for everyone!
I wish YOU peace and happiness!

Letter to the White House

I am notoriously not well informed in the area of politics, and usually this doesn't bother me too much. Sometimes, though, it makes me feel like a simpleton.
But even the least of us has a right to express our opinion to our government, and so, with that in mind, I composed and sent this short letter to President Obama/The White House staff today:
:

"Dear Mr. President:
I am writing to you on behalf of myself, as well as my friends and former students, members of the Tibetan exile communities and their families who remain in Tibet.

In the wake of the recent earthquake in Kham, Tibet, we would like to request you, personally, and the United States government as a whole, to do whatever is in your power to address the situation regarding HH the Dalai Lama's wish to return to his homeland with the Chinese government.

This is a humanitarian issue. It pains me to know it is also a political one.

I appreciate your attention on this matter.
Thank you.

Sincerely,
Ms. Tammy Winand"

To all my readers
Feel free to share this link everywhere and anywhere and to add your own voices, no matter how small you feel they are!

Important Links Following TIBET Earthquake

I feel very small and helpless these days in the wake of the Kham TIBET earthquake. I feel like I should be doing more to help, but in my own situation, all I can do is offer prayers and keep as many people as possible informed of what's happening by passing along relevant links.

Once again, my friend at Zen Dirt Zen Dust has compiled information on places offering assistance to earthquake victims. You can see his list here:
How to Aid Victims of the Tibetan Earthquake

I am trying to post links to all stories of merit on my twitter and facebook accounts.
The most important ones today are:
Dalai Lama seeks China's Permission to Visit Earthquake Victims
Message from HH Karmapa Ogyen Trinley Dorje to Quake Victims in both Tibetan and English
Newsweek Article on Quake's Coverage in China
and
To Die With Dignity in Your Own Land an amazing piece on Huffington Post regarding the quake and its aftermath.

Updated to add:
Images of Quake Aftermath Some of the most moving, detailed images I've come across regarding this incident.

Meanwhile, life must go on. I am in the midst of packing, wrapping up my time "off", and will be moving cross-country yet again this coming Tuesday for the seasonal job which will hopefully cover most of my expenses for my next trip (currently slated for early September) to volunteer with the Tibetan exile community in McleodGanj, where my heart lies.

I plan to post a new entry regarding my travels along the Buddhist path once I am settled in my new "home".

As always, my thoughts and prayers are with the Tibetans and all those working on their behalf.
May all beings be happy and at peace.
_/\_

The following video is from Al Jazeera English language. The monks' names have been Sinocized, but it offers a view of what is going on in Kham.

Major Earthquake in Kham, Tibet

Please hold the people of Tibet and their families, no matter where they are, in your hearts and prayers at this time.
A 6.9 magnitude earthquake struck Jiegu, Kyigudo (Yushu Co. or Prefecture in Chinese) in Kham Province Wednesday morning local time in Tibet.
At this time, official sources are saying there are 400 dead and 10,000 injured but unofficial local sources are saying numbers are much higher.
It is notoriously difficult to get accurate information out of Tibetan areas from Chinese state controlled media.

I wanted to offer a list of links for info for those who are interested or who need it. Here are the latest articles on major news sources and relevant agencies for Tibetans. (the color may not change but these ARE links)
CNN coverage
BBC coverage
Times of India newspaper coverage
Phayul
Office of HH Dalai Lama
Zen Dirt Zen Dust blog compilation of articles
Tibet Net Official Website of Tibet's Govt in Exile

For those who have asked, all my friends live in exile in north India and were not directly affected, thankfully. However, I do have many acquaintances from Kham, and am not in touch with them to know whether their families were affected, so of course we hold ALL of Tibet and all Tibetans throughout the world in our thoughts, hearts, and prayers.

_/\_

53 Days and Counting

Just a brief reminder that my fundraiser to return to teach English to Tibetan exiles in north India ends in 53 days and I still have $3762 to raise to reach my goal.

I have added new backer reward incentives.

If I do not top the $4000 goal NONE of the pledge money will be awarded!
Thank you so much for your help.

Bodhicitta and Beyond

This is going to be one of my most difficult posts yet...to write, at any rate.
[note: this post is intended mostly for my non-Buddhist readers who wonder what exactly is going on with me right now, and who are not familiar with what Buddhism teaches. I am not intending to "convert" anyone, just shed some light.]

Most of you know I haven't been a Buddhist that long, technically speaking. In fact, I am a newcomer to it since my recent exposure to Tibetan culture, and as per my previous post am only just beginning an actual study and practice of Buddhism.
However, even before taking refuge I already had Buddhist tendencies/leanings, I guess you could say.

The things which bother me (and have since my teens) most about Christianity (my own upbringing) are:
1) Lack of accountability for your own actions (it never ceased to amaze me that many who claim to be Christians really believe you can sin and simply say a prayer,likely half-hearted, and that makes whatever you did ok- at least in your own mind). Buddhists seem to me to tend to examine karma more closely...at least serious ones who are truly interested in a higher rebirth. I am actually more likely to behave properly, morally, as a Buddhist than I ever did when I was a Christian.

2) Seeing so many Christians NOT follow the teachings of Christ (which I guess ties in with the above). I hated listening to talk of converting heathens. I hated seeing politicians use Christian doctrine. I hated knowing that over the past 2000 odd years that more people have been slaughtered in the name of Christ than I care to think about. I saw that the church was not Christ and was shocked that no one else in my otherwise fairly intelligent immediate circle seemed to catch on to that, too. I lost friends when I tried to explain to them that Islam also teaches non-violence and that there are as many Christian radicals as Muslim terrorists.

Then I read today's post at Sweep the Dust, Push the Dirt, a blog by a Zen Buddhist online acquaintance, which actually prompted me to write this post.

So, as it IS related (ie the above complaints would be less of an issue provided everyone knew about the items below), I wanted to talk about bodhicitta...metta...and beyond. I honestly believe everyone can, and should, follow these guidelines, because the teachings are not at all limited to Buddhism (well, except bodhicitta).

Bodhicitta: the wish to attain enlightenment so as to reincarnate repeatedly to help all other sentient beings attain enlightenment.  (hey look! a wiki on How to Cultivate Bodhicitta!)
Of course I cannot claim to have total bodhicitta motivation. I'm not sure anyone can. We are not perfect. Every now and again ( we think of our own needs, our own comforts, in this life.
But I DO strongly wish for peace, and for permanent world peace to happen, all sentient beings must become enlightened.
So I endeavor to remind myself repeatedly and to practice...

Metta: loving-kindness...a pure selfless compassion for all other beings as based on the notion that, via eons of reincarnations, all other beings have at one time been our mothers (some say think "mothers, friends, lovers"). Meaning, we act kindly towards anything living (even insects) because we know we are intimately connected. Everything has its place and purpose. Harming any other beings is harmful to ourselves, to humankind as a whole, and to the planet.

Metta also involves Right Speech and Right Action, which fall under the Buddhist Precepts (or moral code of conduct, if you will).
Right Speech means that we are honest. We do not lie. But it goes far beyond that. It also means that we do not speak out of anger or with the intent of hurting any other living being. We do not gossip or talk about anyone behind his back. And we avoid "idle talk" about useless topics (and yes, these are really hard to follow, because if taken literally it would mean we pretty much shouldn't say anything at all...which is a recommended part of it, according to Buddha Sakyamuni).
Right Action means we do not intentionally kill (another person, animal, or insect). We do not intentionally cause injury or suffering to any other sentient being. We do not steal...interpreted as meaning never to take anything not freely given to you. We avoid sexual misconduct (and this is open to a wide range of interpretations which I won't go into in detail) mostly meaning not to cause any harm by our sexual deeds (ie no rape, no extramarital affairs, no sex with minors, no suggestive behavior w/monks or nuns...you get the idea)

There are many places on the web to read much more about these concepts. I started with About Buddhism and followed links until I was satisfied!

I am really far from perfect. I eat meat. I have to try really REALLY hard not to kill ant colonies in my kitchen...no matter how hard I try, I can't envision them as my mother and do not feel loving-kindness for them! I get upset when I am attacked...but fortunately I am increasingly less likely to respond out of anger these days!
I hope I don't come across as preachy.
I have to remind myself through my own words on the subject that I need to think about these topics and try harder every day!


Wanna learn more about Bodhicitta?! (see left)

I also highly recommend reading any and all works by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.

Stuck at the Beginning

I have been feeling "stuck", the past few days.

After my recent life-changing travels through India, most of which I spent volunteering in the Tibetan exile community of McleodGanj, I came back to the USA feeling grateful for a chance to rest and recoup.

Almost immediately, I began reading everything I could get my hands on regarding beginning practice in Tibetan Buddhism.

Let me back track a wee bit:

Living in McleodGanj (aka Dharamsala, exile home of the Dalai Lama) was a daily immersion in Tibetan Buddhism, and yet I never "studied" or read anything while there. I floated around in various stages of "enlightenment", carried by the incredible vibes swirling around the Himalayan foothills...Chanting emanated from monasteries as I walked Kora and spun prayer wheels and learned how to use my mala and do my own mantras.

I sat, on different occasions, within a few yards of HH the 14th Dalai Lama, swept away by unseen unheard waves of energy.

I had amazing insights and grew, spiritually, in leaps and bounds.

Leaving the Tibetan community was heart-breaking, and I have vowed to get back ASAP to do whatever I can for them, as well as continue my own journey.

When I arrived back in America, after nearly 5 days recovering from jet-lag, I began ordering Tibetan Buddhism books, book-marking every Buddhist website I could find. 

At first it was more like intellectual learning, trying to get my head around what I had just experienced.

I wanted to know what all those red-robed monks knew that made them radiate pure light from their glowing faces.

I learned the Four Noble Truths, read and re-read the Eightfold Path, memorized The Three Pure Precepts and the Five Precepts... I read articles and essays on "metta", and pondered whether true "bodhicitta" is possible.

I froze, however, at the idea of "meditation". I am notoriously scatter-brained, have been called ADHD.

Mindfulness? On rare occasion.

Oh I SIT plenty.

I sit on my rear-end and my mind goes all over the universe.

Letting go of attachments? Ummmm...not so much. In fact, I happen to quite like my sentimental nature. I've been known to wallow in memories and longings. It has driven most of my creative work for the past 30 years.

Last night, as I was reading, I simply hit a wall. I could not grasp a single concept. Mind, no mind...self, no self...

I just kept thinking, "WTF?" Seriously.

And maybe that's the point. Maybe an intellectual study of all of this is not important. Maybe, at least for now, it's okay to simply follow the precepts as best as I can.

My own phrasing of what I learned in McleodGanj, written at the top of several journal pages:

It is what it is. It just is. Accept. Allow. Let go. Repeat.

I giggle to myself as I realize my own impatience for progress.

How can I measure "progress"? I have been practicing for less than 3 weeks, "officially". The fact that I am looking for progress may indicate a lack thereof!

The only progress I am sure of is that I am more likely to consider the karmic weight of thoughts before they turn into actions, whereas before I tended to act out of passion and think after doing so.

And that is pretty amazing in itself, really.

Yes, I am hungry to continue on the path.

The Path Evolves

It has been eleven days and a lifetime since I returned to the USA. Life is good. I finally readjusted to a normal sleep cycle and am eating fairly healthy again after battling extreme fatigue and some kind of mild illness the first several days I was back.
And so now life goes on. Is going on.

What is the next step? That's something I ask myself fairly regularly, sometimes several times a day.

I have begun a study, and practice, of Buddhism. It started as a way to understand more of what I saw in McleodGanj. What did certain things represent? What did it MEAN? Why did they do THAT?
I learned the major differences between Tibetan Buddhism (meaning Vajrayana) and other paths/schools.

And then I began again from the beginning. What IS Buddhism? What are the basic beliefs, and how should a Buddhist act? Buddhism is mind-boggling, at once the most simple of paths, and yet the most complex, especially for a westerner whose only previous concepts of spirituality and behavior were based on Christianity.
I am at once passionate about and deeply perplexed by Buddhism. And yet it feels right to me, if only because it was the framework amidst which I had this life-changing experience. If only because it teaches exactly the lessons I most need to learn, about loving and letting go, about kindness and compassion...

So I endeavor to read about it everyday from a research perspective, learning terms, as well as reading from the teachings of Buddha. Yesterday I slowly slowly started The Dhammapada. I laughing tweeted that I wish there was a plain English Dhammapada for Dummies, as I have never been good at finding the "right" meaning in ancient or translated texts. Usually what I think they mean and what the scholars tell me they mean are radically different. Sigh.
But then, isn't that part of this whole experience?
Buddhism is not cast in stone. As I understand it, each student/practitioner applies the teachings to his own experience, although the ultimate goal of becoming a boddhisatva (at least in the Mahayana schools) remains constant.

Simply put, to me, Buddhism means: being in the moment (which I have ALWAYS struggled with and no doubt will continue to resist) and being kind to all other living beings. It means recognizing that I am a potential Buddha and you are a potential Buddha and (to be a little silly) even that Republicans and criminals are potential Buddhas!
I have so many questions and hope they never stop! I want to devote the rest of my life to this. And so the intellectual study also becomes practice.

While I confess, I have issues with the term "meditation", and have never "sat" as Zen Buddhists do, I am learning that to some extent even chanting Om Mani Padme Hum or using my hand held prayer wheel
 is a form of meditation.
I have, if only to myself, taken refuge.

Every day I learn something more about Buddhism, about myself, about life.
And so the path evolves.

As the book recommended here says, we are a long way from Tibet, a long way from the Tibetan community in India. But that is okay. I had to leave them to learn certain lessons and accomplish certain things. I do feel we will be together again soon, if it is meant to be, if it is our karma.


On that note, I would like to insert a quick project update for my fundraiser, "Teaching English, Learning Life with Tibetan Refugees"
To date I have received $187 in pledges towards returning to McleodGanj in mid-September to continue my volunteer work and studies. That leaves 74 days to reach the ultimate goal of $4000 USD, which will cover all my expenses including airfare to/from north India.
Please understand, while in the USA, I am technically homeless. I have worked seasonal jobs for the past several years. These jobs provide housing as well as meals, which are both deducted from pay. This does not leave a lot left over. I have been unable to find stable full-time employment outside these seasonal jobs.
Now that my volunteer work with the Tibetans has become so important to me, I need YOUR help to make it happen! 
Even if you can only pledge $1, that dollar helps. Your money will be working for good in this world!
Thank you.

One last note: I've been somewhat sad that there are no Tibetan Buddhist centers where I'm currently staying, and only two centers at all, that I can find. I miss being in the sangha I found in McleodGanj and really wanted that sense of community, of fellow Buddhists/seekers here in the US.
Well, we had lunch at a Thai restaurant yesterday. I felt an immediate connection with the hostess/waitress. We talked a little before she brought our food. As I was getting ready to leave, I knew I had to show my gratitude and respect with the lotus-bud gesture/mini-bow (I have not learned the term for this) which acknowledges the Buddha-within. When I did it, her face lit up with joy and astonishment. She burst out with a few sentences in Thai which unfortunately I did not understand, and she seemed to be telling her Thai friend/co-worker what I had done.
I felt like crying, not from sorrow but from joy. Clearly, I am not alone. The sangha is not limited to McleodGanj, nor to Tibetans. Nor even to Asians, or to face-to-face. As the days progress, I look forward to meeting other travelers on this path, whether face-to-face or online, regardless of age or race or language.

Life is good, and everything IS as it should be.

I Am SO Blessed

I am shouting a big THANK YOU to the universe because I know that I am so truly deeply blessed. 
First, because I got to HAVE the experience I just had in India working with Tibetan refugees. 
Second, because it has inspired me and motivated me to work on creative pursuits like nothing I can remember in my life.
And, third, last but not least, because the experience, and talking about it, and knowing I need to get back to do it again, has connected me with the most amazing, kind, generous people all around the world who are concerned about the issue of Tibet and Tibetans and are helping me in so many ways as I endeavor to raise funds to return to McleodGanj no later than October of this year (hopefully sooner).
So, thank you universe, and thank you beautiful souls!


With the help of angel Deb Lauman (aka ramkitten), whom I have known on twitter, Squidoo, and in person (not all at the same time!), I discovered a website called Kickstarter which helps people fund projects of all kinds. (Deb is currently funding a project which takes her to Nepal to work with Search & Rescue Dogs in the Himalayas.)
I quickly joined the site and created my project, titled "Teaching English, Learning Life with Tibetan Refugees".
In less than 24 hrs I have received $135 in pledges towards my $4000 goal! YES!
However, the "catch" with Kickstarter is that you have to reach your total goal in order to receive ANY of the pledge money...which means I have 81 days remaining to raise the rest.
That means I need to raise, on average, $50/day until the project deadline (mid-June).


This morning I have been deeply honored to be featured by fellow artist, Zazzler, and online friend Cherie, which has featured my project on her blog, Cheries Arts & Crafts. She is a wonderfully talented artist herself, and has been more than kind and supportive of me in this (as well as other) endeavors.


Life is good, and I am glad to be in it. And THAT is amazing in itself.

The End...is Just the Beginning

Thirteen hours from now the 777 will depart from Mumbai and I will look down and watch India vanish as thought it had never been real.
Of course I am filled with strange mixed emotions. Mostly right now I am relieved. The past week in Mumbai has not been difficult. I am looking forward to trivial but comforting familiar things from my US home...a long bath, a nice steak, a stable fast internet connection so I can really do some work...the love of a few great cats...phone calls to my mom and long hours ensconced in bookstore cafes!

Sometimes it feels like none of the past 5 months ever happened.
But I know they did...and not because I have photos or journals or souvenirs.

I know they happened because my soul was touched, my life was changed. I know it was real because I am not the same woman who arrived here at the end of October 2009.
I know because I am connected by invisible threads to so many other beautiful souls whose lights illuminate my darkness and shine out into the world. We will be forever connected, no matter where on the planet we may be.
Some may stay in touch through facebook or emails while others seem quietly hidden...but they will still be there, whether they write or call or not...and I will hold them inside my heart until we meet again, if that is indeed our karma.

My work is just beginning as I look for new and more ways to publicize and support the situation of Tibet and the Tibetan exiles whose lives touched mine. I am creating products for my online shops, the earnings from all of which are now ear-marked for my return trip. I will research fund-raising and holding talks and events to educate others...I am hoping to work with at least one teacher to help educate her 6th grade class.
I am also reaching out to local print & tv media in the areas where I'll be living in the hopes that I can get them interested in covering some aspect of the situation, even if not by directly interviewing me re: my experience as a volunteer.
There are many options and opportunities and I now know the universe is going to connect me to the people and events which I need, when the time is right.

I am thankful for all of this. For the pain, the confusion, the failures and the triumphs. Every new thing, every new lesson...All the difficulties of life in north India (squat toilets, "no lights" power outages, no heat, etc).
I would not trade the past 5 months for anything.

And I know in my bones that I will be back. This IS my life, McleodGanj IS my home, this is my passion and my calling.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me by reading this blog, by messaging me on my social networks, to all who comforted me in times of confusion and doubt.
Thank you to everyone who has purchased (or will purchase) products from my shops or will make a donation to support my return to continue my volunteer work.
You are precious.

And so while today marks the end of this trip to India, it is only the beginning.
The sacred sojourn which named this blog is by no means complete.
I will continue to post when related soul journey insights occur, and of course whenever there is news concerning my return to my heart's home.