The months since I last updated this blog have been filled with unexpected challenges that have tested every aspect of my spiritual and emotional growth. Nagging illness of varying degrees of severity, emotional abuse and failed relationships, accidents which could have been life threatening had things gone just slightly differently. The move from Boudha back to McleodGanj. The move from McleodGanj back to the USA.
Impermanence.
Samsara.
Suffering.
Learning that you are viewed as an object to be used by those you have devoted so much time and energy to. Learning that even a Buddhist monastic can act completely opposite than the Buddhist precepts dictate, causing deep harm.
Painful stuff.
Often working in a blur, not even sure what you are doing, just killing time. Every day fading into the next, and never feeling sure you are going to get through to see another one.
One day it becomes clear that you are, in fact, still alive, and that progress has somehow been made, in invisible moments. Somehow the seemingly random bits and pieces have fallen into some kind of pattern. Healing has happened, even if only in small amounts.
New projects have begun, and some have even been completed.
It often feels like I will never be exactly where I want to be. I often feel hopeless, too far behind in "work" to ever catch up. There are some paths which I thought would lead me home that now seem to have been dead ends. These days I don't even know where that longed-for "home" might be.
Still, I am continuing the journey, trying to "allow" surprises to appear.
In my next post, I will share one of those "surprises", a photography book from one amazing afternoon on the outskirts of Kathmandu.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
What Am I Doing Here?
I have been in Kathmandu for just over three weeks. Today I found myself shaking my head at the strange blend of similarities and differences between life here and in the USA, and also comparing it to my life in India....
I am not exactly feeling "homesick", although there are a variety of things I wish were part of life here. One source said I am experiencing one of the phases of "culture shock", where you realize that, even if you become accustomed to a place and learn a little (or a lot) of the local language, you will never really understand the local way of thinking.
As I write this, it is nearly noon, and I am under an awning in Nir's Toast Restaurant and Bakery's garden. A thunderstorm is getting into full swing. It's very refreshing, but, frankly, I'm not feeling very well. I rarely ever feel well these days. I'm plagued by headaches, achy joints and muscles, fatigue.
I find myself pondering, yet again, what I am doing here. By “here”, I mean on the other side of the world from where I was born and raised. Am I simply killing time? What do I want from this experience? I honestly do not know the answers.
What I know is that I am no longer satisfied with my work as a human rights activist and Tibet supporter, at least in the form that I have been doing it over the past half year. I feel used, drained. I am not sure I want to continue studying the language or even dharma. Both pursuits have brough more stress, less pleasure.
I feel like I need a long break.
The western woman with her back to me at the next table lights a cigarette after finishing her beer, and sun reappears. She's left her order of french fries virtually untouched. I leave my last bite of buff thenthuk as an offering to the hungry ghosts.
Blue and yellow prayer flag banners at the Kagyu monastery next door snap in the wind. No ceremonial music emerging, today. Only the “buzz” (more accurately a loud incessant grinding) of the generator during one of the daily scheduled power outages famous in Kathmandu.
Maybe there aren't even supposed to be any answers, though that thought makes me very uncomfortable.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Renewing my Commitment to this Blog
Once again, I have let life, or perhaps just laziness, get in the way of this blog. Somehow another 5 months have slipped by since my last post.
You'd think I had nothing to write about.
Despite my wide range of online pursuits, most of which are months behind what I'd like them to be, it's not as though I have no "free" time.
The truth is, I am plain unmotivated, as well as unorganized.
If only I could make a list of daily tasks and stick to it!
And, if only my internet connection cooperated at those times!
My connection these days, while I am in Kathmandu Nepal, is much faster and more reliable than most wifi spots in McleodGanj. It has been working the past few days without much issue, but there are still many times when I log in and see that yellow exclamation point announcing "limited connection"...or worse, the RED X.
I have recently asked some online friends to help me be more accountable for updates. There really is no excuse for letting things go for 5 months! I invite any and all of my readers to nudge me at my various social sites if they fail to see a new post at THIS page at least once a month (hehe, I'd like to say "once a week", but I don't want to scare myself!)
Meanwhile, my intent is to update Everyday Exile Project main blog at least twice weekly, and Everyday Exile Photojournalism once a week.
I welcome suggestions from readers on what they would like to see here. What kind of details interest you in a chronicle of a spiritual journey and travelogue?
If you read it here, will you still be interested in the "planned" book when it comes out?
Monday, November 22, 2010
"Randoms"
A few years ago an online community forum I participated in had occasional posts called "randoms" in which people asked and responded to a set of random questions.
This post will be a series of random updates because I have no one particular topic I want to expound upon, yet I feel there is much to be shared.
*Regarding daily schedule: First, let me say, all things considered, life is good. I have not been sick this trip beyond a few minor inconveniences. Despite some discouraging events early on, nothing bad has happened.
Life has taken on somewhat of a routine. I get up between 6-8am most days, enjoy a nice hot shower, dress and have tea and sometimes breakfast on the patio or (more recently, since a room change) on my private balcony, overlooking the Dhauladhar range of the Himalayas. Usually I leave the room by 9:30 and go either up into town to buy fruit or down and around the kora with a stream of local Tibetan exiles. By 10 at the latest I am usually seated in One Two Cafe having sweet milk tea and checking emails and facebook. By noon I have usually moved to another local restaurant which tends to have faster more reliable internet where I can actually upload pics and work on my online shops. I often have lunch there as well. Before 4pm I have usually finished and tend to drift around town depending on which friends have called or dropped by. Sometimes I go out for dinner, others I snack or cook back at my room. 3-5 days of the week, I tutor a Tibetan friend in conversational English from 6-7:30 or so, and we usually have a really good time. Most nights I am in bed by 9:30pm at the very latest.
*Regarding "Practice": I have gone through a series of views on daily Buddhist practice. I set up a shrine in my room and make offerings and do prostrations, albeit somewhat erratically. I may go to kora 3 times a week, depending on weather and energy level. I try to go to the temple at least 3 days a week, as well. I have started reading 2 more books on Tibetan Buddhism, but as is often the case with me, I read when the mood strikes, not daily. I've decided not to beat myself up over this because it just doesn't work for me. I try to do at least one mala of Om Mani Padme Hum daily and sometimes also Green Tara and Medicine Buddha, and on occasion other mantras such as Vajrapani, or Vajrasattva, creep in there. A few of my Tibetan friends have told me it's not what I do as ritual but what actions I do that make the difference.
*Regarding weather: So far it has been mostly pleasant weather. Daytime highs are still in the low 60s Fahrenheit with overnight lows dipping to the low 50s. I haven't bought my heater yet and am still only, usually, wearing a single layer of pajamas and socks! (last year in the depth of winter I was in double and even triple layers!). We had 2 days of showers with heavy rain during the pre-dawn hours, and on the 2nd day the snow level dipped below Triund, but other than that it has been mostly sunny.
*Regarding "curriculum": I am friends with a fellow American who speaks &/or understands 5 Tibetan dialects and who has been teaching me the alphabet and some very useful phrases. I would say my Tibetan language usage has increased two-fold since beginning to hang out w/her. Still, I frequently flounder trying to make simple conversation, and it can be very discouraging.
*Regarding Everyday Exile Project, my initiative to increase awareness of Tibetan exile issues and main reason for being here: Things have been erratic. At times I gather many new pieces of information and hold impromptu interviews, at others I feel very discouraged at the lack of local interest on the part of people I have spoken to, and the difficulty of making progress. Things here are done differently. Emails and phone calls often produce little if any interest or result. You literally have to plant yourself in front of someone to get something done. I have, admittedly, not made a huge effort to get down to the government offices, mainly because I am not sure exactly what I want to say. My questions are diverse and rather unfocused. I need a lot of information on a wide range of topics and have no idea where to begin. Even finding out which person I need to contact has been complicated.
Those are the main things I wanted to cover for the moment. I feel things evolving, but am not sure I can clearly describe how. The best I can say is "stay tuned" for updates! I will try not to be so inconsistent in the weeks ahead!
This post will be a series of random updates because I have no one particular topic I want to expound upon, yet I feel there is much to be shared.
*Regarding daily schedule: First, let me say, all things considered, life is good. I have not been sick this trip beyond a few minor inconveniences. Despite some discouraging events early on, nothing bad has happened.
Life has taken on somewhat of a routine. I get up between 6-8am most days, enjoy a nice hot shower, dress and have tea and sometimes breakfast on the patio or (more recently, since a room change) on my private balcony, overlooking the Dhauladhar range of the Himalayas. Usually I leave the room by 9:30 and go either up into town to buy fruit or down and around the kora with a stream of local Tibetan exiles. By 10 at the latest I am usually seated in One Two Cafe having sweet milk tea and checking emails and facebook. By noon I have usually moved to another local restaurant which tends to have faster more reliable internet where I can actually upload pics and work on my online shops. I often have lunch there as well. Before 4pm I have usually finished and tend to drift around town depending on which friends have called or dropped by. Sometimes I go out for dinner, others I snack or cook back at my room. 3-5 days of the week, I tutor a Tibetan friend in conversational English from 6-7:30 or so, and we usually have a really good time. Most nights I am in bed by 9:30pm at the very latest.
*Regarding "Practice": I have gone through a series of views on daily Buddhist practice. I set up a shrine in my room and make offerings and do prostrations, albeit somewhat erratically. I may go to kora 3 times a week, depending on weather and energy level. I try to go to the temple at least 3 days a week, as well. I have started reading 2 more books on Tibetan Buddhism, but as is often the case with me, I read when the mood strikes, not daily. I've decided not to beat myself up over this because it just doesn't work for me. I try to do at least one mala of Om Mani Padme Hum daily and sometimes also Green Tara and Medicine Buddha, and on occasion other mantras such as Vajrapani, or Vajrasattva, creep in there. A few of my Tibetan friends have told me it's not what I do as ritual but what actions I do that make the difference.
*Regarding weather: So far it has been mostly pleasant weather. Daytime highs are still in the low 60s Fahrenheit with overnight lows dipping to the low 50s. I haven't bought my heater yet and am still only, usually, wearing a single layer of pajamas and socks! (last year in the depth of winter I was in double and even triple layers!). We had 2 days of showers with heavy rain during the pre-dawn hours, and on the 2nd day the snow level dipped below Triund, but other than that it has been mostly sunny.
*Regarding "curriculum": I am friends with a fellow American who speaks &/or understands 5 Tibetan dialects and who has been teaching me the alphabet and some very useful phrases. I would say my Tibetan language usage has increased two-fold since beginning to hang out w/her. Still, I frequently flounder trying to make simple conversation, and it can be very discouraging.
*Regarding Everyday Exile Project, my initiative to increase awareness of Tibetan exile issues and main reason for being here: Things have been erratic. At times I gather many new pieces of information and hold impromptu interviews, at others I feel very discouraged at the lack of local interest on the part of people I have spoken to, and the difficulty of making progress. Things here are done differently. Emails and phone calls often produce little if any interest or result. You literally have to plant yourself in front of someone to get something done. I have, admittedly, not made a huge effort to get down to the government offices, mainly because I am not sure exactly what I want to say. My questions are diverse and rather unfocused. I need a lot of information on a wide range of topics and have no idea where to begin. Even finding out which person I need to contact has been complicated.
Those are the main things I wanted to cover for the moment. I feel things evolving, but am not sure I can clearly describe how. The best I can say is "stay tuned" for updates! I will try not to be so inconsistent in the weeks ahead!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I Was Asked to Describe India...
For those who asked, a bit of descriptive prose about my India experience, round two.
For anyone who has never been here, the best way I can describe India is “in your face”. It is radically different from western life in so many ways. Sights, sounds, and smells come at you full force, non-stop. By the time your mind has processed whatever oddity you have just seen, something else is zooming nearer.
A rikshaw carrying 16 people.
A Hindu temple lit with neon lights.
Chai wallas and roadside vendors of every imaginable variety.
A drunk falling down crossing six lanes of traffic, being helped to safety, and immediately getting up to do it again.
Donkey carts and horses jostling with motorbikes, taxis and vividly decorated long haul trucks.
A dead rat belly up in the middle of the sidewalk.
Cows sleeping on the edges of a busy highway.
Rubbish of all types strewn on the ground.
Electrical wiring hanging in knotted bundles on the outside of buildings.
Women in dirty ragged saris carrying babies beating on your car window at every stop.
India is a place you will either hate because of its unkempt nature, or a place you will learn to love because life thrives despite that nature. Some of my Indian friends have called it “organized chaos”. I don't know about “organized”, but there is a sort of system, once you come to recognize it.
There is a beauty here that defies explanation.
India is ALIVE with music, prayer, joking, arguing, singing and dancing.
It took me more than 3 and a half months on my first visit to come to terms with the experience. By the time I left, a month after that, I had come to think of it as home.
Yes, I still find it difficult and exhausting more often than not. Many things still make me sad and angry, but nothing shocks me, anymore. I have come to expect the unexpected and to not judge what is.
So here I am on my second extended stay. I successfully navigated Mumbai and Delhi's Tibetan colony and am now back in my heart's home on a ridge of the Himalayan foothills, where the first snow of the season fell just two days ago above town and gleamed like a white beacon in the moonlight as the bus wound its way up the tight switchbacks in the wee hours of morning.
Daylight arrives, first bathing Moonpeak in golden light, then pouring into the valleys. Birds are screaming, dogs are barking, the sounds of people cooking and starting their day are all around.
Soon I will make a walk around town to see what has changed, what's the same, whether I encounter any familiar faces.
It is so good to be home.
For anyone who has never been here, the best way I can describe India is “in your face”. It is radically different from western life in so many ways. Sights, sounds, and smells come at you full force, non-stop. By the time your mind has processed whatever oddity you have just seen, something else is zooming nearer.
A rikshaw carrying 16 people.
A Hindu temple lit with neon lights.
Chai wallas and roadside vendors of every imaginable variety.
A drunk falling down crossing six lanes of traffic, being helped to safety, and immediately getting up to do it again.
Donkey carts and horses jostling with motorbikes, taxis and vividly decorated long haul trucks.
A dead rat belly up in the middle of the sidewalk.
Cows sleeping on the edges of a busy highway.
Rubbish of all types strewn on the ground.
Electrical wiring hanging in knotted bundles on the outside of buildings.
Women in dirty ragged saris carrying babies beating on your car window at every stop.
India is a place you will either hate because of its unkempt nature, or a place you will learn to love because life thrives despite that nature. Some of my Indian friends have called it “organized chaos”. I don't know about “organized”, but there is a sort of system, once you come to recognize it.
There is a beauty here that defies explanation.
India is ALIVE with music, prayer, joking, arguing, singing and dancing.
It took me more than 3 and a half months on my first visit to come to terms with the experience. By the time I left, a month after that, I had come to think of it as home.
Yes, I still find it difficult and exhausting more often than not. Many things still make me sad and angry, but nothing shocks me, anymore. I have come to expect the unexpected and to not judge what is.
So here I am on my second extended stay. I successfully navigated Mumbai and Delhi's Tibetan colony and am now back in my heart's home on a ridge of the Himalayan foothills, where the first snow of the season fell just two days ago above town and gleamed like a white beacon in the moonlight as the bus wound its way up the tight switchbacks in the wee hours of morning.
Daylight arrives, first bathing Moonpeak in golden light, then pouring into the valleys. Birds are screaming, dogs are barking, the sounds of people cooking and starting their day are all around.
Soon I will make a walk around town to see what has changed, what's the same, whether I encounter any familiar faces.
It is so good to be home.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Feels Like it's Been Years
I arrived back in India not quite 36 hours ago. I'd only been gone seven and a half months, but it felt like it's been years. In many ways, it felt like coming home, like my life has been on hold for this.
Oh yes, there are still things that boggle my mind about the place. I can barely make my most basic needs known in Hindi. I haven't a clue about the rituals and meanings of Hindu festivals. I still shake my head at the vast differences between life here and in the States (and probably always will).
Jet lag does not seem to be as severe this time. The worst of it so far has been sleeping several hours in the afternoon, a headache in mid-evening, and waking this morning at 2:30am without being able to go back to sleep. Compared to my constant aches and nausea of my first week in country last year, I'm feeling fabulous.
Although I am not terrified of the strangers and strangeness of much of Mumbai this time, I still have no real desire to wander around the city. My budget is extremely limited. There are internet contacts I've made here who I'd love to visit, but even getting to their side of town from where I stay would cost more than my weekly budget allows.
My greatest plan is to return to Leopold Cafe, possibly tomorrow, and hopefully meet a friend from McleodGanj there who is now studying in Mumbai.
My time in Mumbai allows me to regain a feel for things and let my body adjust to being on the other side of the world.
I head for Delhi 5 days from now, staying in Majnu ka Tila Tibetan colony for a few days. It will be an entirely new experience.
After that, I'll catch the overnight bus to my Himalayan home of McleodGanj. Things will be very different, this time. I have a new project, a new mission, a totally new agenda. I come armed with a lot more knowledge.
I look forward to learning so much more about the culture, languages, history and way of life of the region.
It will be interesting to see how things unfold this time, and where the journey takes me.
Oh yes, there are still things that boggle my mind about the place. I can barely make my most basic needs known in Hindi. I haven't a clue about the rituals and meanings of Hindu festivals. I still shake my head at the vast differences between life here and in the States (and probably always will).
Jet lag does not seem to be as severe this time. The worst of it so far has been sleeping several hours in the afternoon, a headache in mid-evening, and waking this morning at 2:30am without being able to go back to sleep. Compared to my constant aches and nausea of my first week in country last year, I'm feeling fabulous.
Although I am not terrified of the strangers and strangeness of much of Mumbai this time, I still have no real desire to wander around the city. My budget is extremely limited. There are internet contacts I've made here who I'd love to visit, but even getting to their side of town from where I stay would cost more than my weekly budget allows.
My greatest plan is to return to Leopold Cafe, possibly tomorrow, and hopefully meet a friend from McleodGanj there who is now studying in Mumbai.
My time in Mumbai allows me to regain a feel for things and let my body adjust to being on the other side of the world.
I head for Delhi 5 days from now, staying in Majnu ka Tila Tibetan colony for a few days. It will be an entirely new experience.
After that, I'll catch the overnight bus to my Himalayan home of McleodGanj. Things will be very different, this time. I have a new project, a new mission, a totally new agenda. I come armed with a lot more knowledge.
I look forward to learning so much more about the culture, languages, history and way of life of the region.
It will be interesting to see how things unfold this time, and where the journey takes me.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Moving Ahead with India Plans
My visa was approved and I am moving ahead with plans for my return to India.
I plan to arrive in Mumbai on 14 October to visit my friend, recover from jet lag, and remind myself that, well, I'm truly back in India.
There are so many differences, both subtle and direct, and it will require shifting mental and emotional gears.
It doesn't happen over night.
I plan to spend about a week there before flying to Delhi. Last visit I did not spend any time in the city. This go round I'm thinking I'll spend a few days in Majnu ka Tila, the Delhi Tibetan colony. Something different. A more in depth view of exile life in India. Hoping it will lead to new contacts, new knowledge, eventually new material.
I aim to catch the bus from MT up to McleodGanj at the start of the following week.
In all honesty, I can no longer remember what it was like, there. The feeling has left me. I am both eager and excited, but I am also nervous. I cannot really pick up where I left off. I will have different priorities, this trip. When I arrived last autumn, I was not looking for the specific things I am this trip.
This time, my goal is to find a Tibetan language tutor, and also someone who can guide me on the Buddhist path. Yes, I will still teach English conversation, but not at the same place...maybe only as a private tutor.
Mainly, I am looking for more details on the situation of Tibet in exile. I want to get a better feel for the views of the community regarding the future.
And, of course, I am hoping to further explore the interpersonal relationships which developed and meant so much to me.
One way or another, this trip will determine the course of the rest of my life.
After India, next spring I intend to spend 2-3 months in Nepal. Beyond that, nothing "concrete"...I would love to spend some time in Ladakh, maybe more time in MT, maybe back to Mclo...maybe something as yet unforeseen.
Over the coming week I'll be putting more effort into organizing what still remains to be done on the Everyday Exile project, which is still very much in planning stage.
To be honest, with less than 5 weeks til planned departure, I realize slowly slowly how much remains to be done. I've been in a holding pattern regarding planning, organizing, pre-trip shopping, and of course packing.
I really need to sit and breathe and figure out exactly what still needs to be done.
And then start doing.
I plan to arrive in Mumbai on 14 October to visit my friend, recover from jet lag, and remind myself that, well, I'm truly back in India.
There are so many differences, both subtle and direct, and it will require shifting mental and emotional gears.
It doesn't happen over night.
I plan to spend about a week there before flying to Delhi. Last visit I did not spend any time in the city. This go round I'm thinking I'll spend a few days in Majnu ka Tila, the Delhi Tibetan colony. Something different. A more in depth view of exile life in India. Hoping it will lead to new contacts, new knowledge, eventually new material.
I aim to catch the bus from MT up to McleodGanj at the start of the following week.
In all honesty, I can no longer remember what it was like, there. The feeling has left me. I am both eager and excited, but I am also nervous. I cannot really pick up where I left off. I will have different priorities, this trip. When I arrived last autumn, I was not looking for the specific things I am this trip.
This time, my goal is to find a Tibetan language tutor, and also someone who can guide me on the Buddhist path. Yes, I will still teach English conversation, but not at the same place...maybe only as a private tutor.
Mainly, I am looking for more details on the situation of Tibet in exile. I want to get a better feel for the views of the community regarding the future.
And, of course, I am hoping to further explore the interpersonal relationships which developed and meant so much to me.
One way or another, this trip will determine the course of the rest of my life.
After India, next spring I intend to spend 2-3 months in Nepal. Beyond that, nothing "concrete"...I would love to spend some time in Ladakh, maybe more time in MT, maybe back to Mclo...maybe something as yet unforeseen.
Over the coming week I'll be putting more effort into organizing what still remains to be done on the Everyday Exile project, which is still very much in planning stage.
To be honest, with less than 5 weeks til planned departure, I realize slowly slowly how much remains to be done. I've been in a holding pattern regarding planning, organizing, pre-trip shopping, and of course packing.
I really need to sit and breathe and figure out exactly what still needs to be done.
And then start doing.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Planning for India
Plans are progressing, although at the moment I feel more like I am just in a holding pattern.
I completed and mailed my India visa application yesterday. Barring complications, which I do not expect (but as a worrier...I am also worried they may arise), I should have the visa back by the end of next week.
When it arrives, we will buy my tickets.
I am planning to depart on 13 October and arrive in Mumbai the evening of the 14th.
I know all too well from last year that it will take as long as five days to recover from jet lag, so I plan to stay in Mumbai til at least the 21st, maybe as long as the 24th.
I've made some new contacts from Mumbai on twitter, so am hoping to meet them when I get in town.
I've begun preliminary planning for the trip to Delhi and on to HP.
I've also started with pre-travel shopping as there were so many miscellaneous things I could not find on my first trip that I really wished I'd had access to, such as Ziplocs, garbage bags, and anti-histamines.
I recall thinking it strange how easy it was to find some things and not others which seemed more everyday practical to me.
But then, nothing about India can be anticipated, except that something unexpected will surely happen!
I found my main notebook from the last leg of my first visit and was browsing through it last night. It also contains all my notes from when I first began studying Buddhism. A timely find. I've been so in need of resuming practice, and could not get my head around it. Now I can see how I did it the first time and get back on the path.
If all goes according to "plan", in less than seven weeks I''ll be on India round two! Cannot wait to see what happens this time, to visit all my friends, to explore new places and aspects...
Follow me.......
I completed and mailed my India visa application yesterday. Barring complications, which I do not expect (but as a worrier...I am also worried they may arise), I should have the visa back by the end of next week.
When it arrives, we will buy my tickets.
I am planning to depart on 13 October and arrive in Mumbai the evening of the 14th.
I know all too well from last year that it will take as long as five days to recover from jet lag, so I plan to stay in Mumbai til at least the 21st, maybe as long as the 24th.
I've made some new contacts from Mumbai on twitter, so am hoping to meet them when I get in town.
I've begun preliminary planning for the trip to Delhi and on to HP.
I've also started with pre-travel shopping as there were so many miscellaneous things I could not find on my first trip that I really wished I'd had access to, such as Ziplocs, garbage bags, and anti-histamines.
I recall thinking it strange how easy it was to find some things and not others which seemed more everyday practical to me.
But then, nothing about India can be anticipated, except that something unexpected will surely happen!
I found my main notebook from the last leg of my first visit and was browsing through it last night. It also contains all my notes from when I first began studying Buddhism. A timely find. I've been so in need of resuming practice, and could not get my head around it. Now I can see how I did it the first time and get back on the path.
If all goes according to "plan", in less than seven weeks I''ll be on India round two! Cannot wait to see what happens this time, to visit all my friends, to explore new places and aspects...
Follow me.......
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Everyday Exile Book Project
Just a quick update:
After a successful fundraiser on Kickstarter, I am moving forward with the Everyday Exile Book Project.
Please follow the link above to learn more.
My projected return to India will be mid-October 2010 and I intend to stay through early April 2011.
Watch for updates at the info page (link above).
My online access is limited for the next several weeks due to other commitments as well as need to go to public free wifi locations when I do have free time.
Thanks for sticking with me.
After a successful fundraiser on Kickstarter, I am moving forward with the Everyday Exile Book Project.
Please follow the link above to learn more.
My projected return to India will be mid-October 2010 and I intend to stay through early April 2011.
Watch for updates at the info page (link above).
My online access is limited for the next several weeks due to other commitments as well as need to go to public free wifi locations when I do have free time.
Thanks for sticking with me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Resuming my Practice...
Today is an Auspicious Day. It is the 75th birthday of HH Dalai Lama. Long Life, Your Holiness!
After my last post, I had a pretty much total breakdown. I fell away from my practice completely...no mantras, no prostrations, only occasional water bowl offerings, no daily reminders to myself of the Four Noble Truths or Precepts or Eightfold Path.
I was also unable to get online to listen to my "daily Buddhist playlist" which had previously had a very calming effect on me.
In part this "breakdown"was due to living with a non-Buddhist roommate...but more so because she worked a different schedule than me and I allowed my insecurities about practising publically to stop me.
It also was related to a lot of stress from the workplace...When I was only dealing with a few negative people, I could talk myself into coping. But as more and more people came into my daily life and more of them became increasingly directly negative towards me, I lost it.
Being directly attacked triggers a terrible fight or fllight mechanism in me.
I cry when people fling harsh untrue words about me in my face.
I freak out when co-workers who break rules & lie & do very little at work get away with their antics and a good employee like myself is ostracized.
Not to mention all the daily negative energy of conservative hypo-Christians talking about the glory of killing innocent (insert any non-Christian religion here) in the name of "god"... Of being surrounded by people who glorify hunting for sport...and many other issues.
One on one, in small doses, I could actually look them in the eye and mentally say Om Mani Padme Hum...
But as their numbers increased and they banded together and I was dealing with several of them day in and day out, something in me broke.
I left South Dakota on 30 June, suddenly, without much planning. It had all ust become unbearable.
I have been spending most of my time since then online, alone (in the company of several very good cats).
I wasn't even able to think clearly about what I was "supposed" to be doing in my daily practice.
My shrine is all still packed away. I have not unpacked, because I will only be here another 8 days.
It was late last night, or maybe this morning, between bouts of sleep, when I began feeling like I could think about resuming any kind of daily practice.
For now, I am going to be very easy on myself.
I will listen to and chant a few mantras.
I will re-read the precepts.
I will do my best to develope a kind mindset. I always try to be kind and helpful and generous.
That is why I never understand when I am attacked for doing exactly that, for being a good person.
It is HARD to persevere when doing all the right things gets you into more trouble than being "bad".
My return to India is back in my sights...hopefully then, I will feel the joy that inspired me to take all this on in the first place.
Om tare tuttare ture soha.
After my last post, I had a pretty much total breakdown. I fell away from my practice completely...no mantras, no prostrations, only occasional water bowl offerings, no daily reminders to myself of the Four Noble Truths or Precepts or Eightfold Path.
I was also unable to get online to listen to my "daily Buddhist playlist" which had previously had a very calming effect on me.
In part this "breakdown"was due to living with a non-Buddhist roommate...but more so because she worked a different schedule than me and I allowed my insecurities about practising publically to stop me.
It also was related to a lot of stress from the workplace...When I was only dealing with a few negative people, I could talk myself into coping. But as more and more people came into my daily life and more of them became increasingly directly negative towards me, I lost it.
Being directly attacked triggers a terrible fight or fllight mechanism in me.
I cry when people fling harsh untrue words about me in my face.
I freak out when co-workers who break rules & lie & do very little at work get away with their antics and a good employee like myself is ostracized.
Not to mention all the daily negative energy of conservative hypo-Christians talking about the glory of killing innocent (insert any non-Christian religion here) in the name of "god"... Of being surrounded by people who glorify hunting for sport...and many other issues.
One on one, in small doses, I could actually look them in the eye and mentally say Om Mani Padme Hum...
But as their numbers increased and they banded together and I was dealing with several of them day in and day out, something in me broke.
I left South Dakota on 30 June, suddenly, without much planning. It had all ust become unbearable.
I have been spending most of my time since then online, alone (in the company of several very good cats).
I wasn't even able to think clearly about what I was "supposed" to be doing in my daily practice.
My shrine is all still packed away. I have not unpacked, because I will only be here another 8 days.
It was late last night, or maybe this morning, between bouts of sleep, when I began feeling like I could think about resuming any kind of daily practice.
For now, I am going to be very easy on myself.
I will listen to and chant a few mantras.
I will re-read the precepts.
I will do my best to develope a kind mindset. I always try to be kind and helpful and generous.
That is why I never understand when I am attacked for doing exactly that, for being a good person.
It is HARD to persevere when doing all the right things gets you into more trouble than being "bad".
My return to India is back in my sights...hopefully then, I will feel the joy that inspired me to take all this on in the first place.
Om tare tuttare ture soha.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
It IS Called Practice, After All
Due to lack of internet connectivity in my current living situation, it has been almost a full month since my last update. I have thought often about what I would write when this time came around, but am still unclear where I want this post to go.
Lately I have been reminding myself often, maybe even several times a day, that I have only been practicing Buddhism since mid-March. That prior to returning from India, I had no idea what the Four Noble Tryuths or Eightfold Path even were, let alone trying to internalize them and live them daily.
Since moving and starting this new job, I have had a variety successes and failures "using" the Buddhist path. I feel like I fail at least as often as I succeed.
Well, after all it IS called "practice".
How can I possibly expect myself to be perfect, especially after such a short time?
My main issues the past few weeks have been threefold:
1) living in a dorm w/150 people aged 18-85 from about 7 different (and diverse) countries
2) working day in day out w/those people in an atmosphere of "catty" gossip
3) my terrible chemical (probably hormonal) imbalances which sometimes ruin up to 14 days of each month
These three points have caused me to lose my mind in anger and frustration numerous times, recently. I have participated in gossiping, have had way too many malicious thoughts (never the intent of causing physical harm, but wishing bad things at others who hurt me), have shouted in anger, etc.
But I think I have hurt myself more than anyone else. And I genuinely feel bad about all of it.
It is just such an ingrained pattern, such a knee-jerk reaction. Especially the PMS-induced parts!
I have been doing a lot of practices aimed at purifying negative karma.
Just the past day or so, I have been able to calm my mind enough to think clearly about it for the first time in a few weeks.
I have gone back to simply saying the mantra which got me through most of my experience in India:
"It is what it is. It just IS. Accept. Allow. Let go. Breathe."
In this case, it sometimes goes like "____(person) is a (insert suitable negative term)" or "gossip just is a reality at work"... I don't like it. I am not required to like it. But I also need to remember, IN THAT MOMENT, there is nothing else, that I cannot change it by wishing or being angry.
I have been able to feel like a human being again.
Of course, the PMS portion of the show is over again for about the next 14 days...so we shall see how mcuh progress has actually been made once 17 June or so rolls around.
I am currently reading a variety of online articles by various Tibetan Buddhist teachers including HH the 14th Dalai Lama regarding how to deal with negative emotions and developing compassion.
At times I feel like I have achieved the mind of bodhicitta...even if it only lasts for a few minutes.
Of course, there's a whole new story! More often than not, when I say I truly wish happiness and peace for ALL beings, it means that I wish them all to learn and practice Buddhism so that there are no more conflicts for me to cope with!
Ego alert!
I am pretty sure this signifies a character flaw in myself, the wish for a better experience in my current life within samsara...
Karma is confusing to me. The idea that my current bad experiences are the result of negative karma created in the past, possibly even numerous lifetimes ago. It doesn't seem quite right.
And as I plow through all this confusion, I am determined to persevere. There have been moments when I at least felt like I absolutely "got it" and really aspired to become a bodhisattva, so I know that somewhere within me the potential remains, and that I must continue the journey...
Lately I have been reminding myself often, maybe even several times a day, that I have only been practicing Buddhism since mid-March. That prior to returning from India, I had no idea what the Four Noble Tryuths or Eightfold Path even were, let alone trying to internalize them and live them daily.
Since moving and starting this new job, I have had a variety successes and failures "using" the Buddhist path. I feel like I fail at least as often as I succeed.
Well, after all it IS called "practice".
How can I possibly expect myself to be perfect, especially after such a short time?
My main issues the past few weeks have been threefold:
1) living in a dorm w/150 people aged 18-85 from about 7 different (and diverse) countries
2) working day in day out w/those people in an atmosphere of "catty" gossip
3) my terrible chemical (probably hormonal) imbalances which sometimes ruin up to 14 days of each month
These three points have caused me to lose my mind in anger and frustration numerous times, recently. I have participated in gossiping, have had way too many malicious thoughts (never the intent of causing physical harm, but wishing bad things at others who hurt me), have shouted in anger, etc.
But I think I have hurt myself more than anyone else. And I genuinely feel bad about all of it.
It is just such an ingrained pattern, such a knee-jerk reaction. Especially the PMS-induced parts!
I have been doing a lot of practices aimed at purifying negative karma.
Just the past day or so, I have been able to calm my mind enough to think clearly about it for the first time in a few weeks.
I have gone back to simply saying the mantra which got me through most of my experience in India:
"It is what it is. It just IS. Accept. Allow. Let go. Breathe."
In this case, it sometimes goes like "____(person) is a (insert suitable negative term)" or "gossip just is a reality at work"... I don't like it. I am not required to like it. But I also need to remember, IN THAT MOMENT, there is nothing else, that I cannot change it by wishing or being angry.
I have been able to feel like a human being again.
Of course, the PMS portion of the show is over again for about the next 14 days...so we shall see how mcuh progress has actually been made once 17 June or so rolls around.
I am currently reading a variety of online articles by various Tibetan Buddhist teachers including HH the 14th Dalai Lama regarding how to deal with negative emotions and developing compassion.
At times I feel like I have achieved the mind of bodhicitta...even if it only lasts for a few minutes.
Of course, there's a whole new story! More often than not, when I say I truly wish happiness and peace for ALL beings, it means that I wish them all to learn and practice Buddhism so that there are no more conflicts for me to cope with!
Ego alert!
I am pretty sure this signifies a character flaw in myself, the wish for a better experience in my current life within samsara...
Karma is confusing to me. The idea that my current bad experiences are the result of negative karma created in the past, possibly even numerous lifetimes ago. It doesn't seem quite right.
And as I plow through all this confusion, I am determined to persevere. There have been moments when I at least felt like I absolutely "got it" and really aspired to become a bodhisattva, so I know that somewhere within me the potential remains, and that I must continue the journey...
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