Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Tickets, and Trust

Tickets for planes and trains have, for the most part, been booked. I have my list of sites to see, though there is still some room for it to evolve.
Some days I feel confident and excited. Others, numb with fear.
I've heard many negative things about India, especially as a woman traveling alone by train.
But, I am going to trust the kindness of people who want the world to think highly of them. And not expect things to be like they are in middle class America.
This is, after all (amongst other things), a quest to rediscover faith in humanity, if not faith in something greater.
Like a crazy woman, I plan to bathe in the Ganges at Haridwar and maybe Varanasi and pray in temples the names of whose Gods I do not know. But the holy places...the temples and ruins...are extras.
What I'm really looking for is some kind of emotional cleansing, a healing...

In some ways this has already begun, as I take steps every day to reclaim my life.
I have not yet let out all the grief...the pain of losing my family, my innocence, of drugs and alcohol, the deaths of my Granny and my uncle...being abused and harassed and threatened by co-workers in the park concessions/hospitality work world...
The pain of leaving behind almost everything REAL about me in order to have a roof over my head and some kind of income.

My promise to myself is that after I come home from this trip, I will never compromise my work or life goals again.
I'm not sure yet how I will accomplish this, but I have voiced my intention and know I must move forward.
The trip to India, and everything that comes after, are, more than anything, about being who I am and doing what I love!