Five days from now I will be leaving my heart's home.
I am experiencing the strangest blend of resistance and release.
I am trying to act like nothing is about to change...denial. And yet, I accept that it just is what it is and I am not going to rush around trying to do and see MORE.
There are fire poojas going on at His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama's Main Temple, here on what I've come to call "the corner of holiness and nowhere" (from where I write, at a wifi cafe overlooking life on the edge of the Himalayan foothills).
But instead of attending, instead of being curious, I stay in the cafe secure with my caramel latte and warm banana cake, uploading pics and interacting with my various social networks (both online and off).
This is my safe place. It is my home inside this town, having replaced LIT when we had our winter closure.
School is re-opened, now, just since yesterday. I had been looking forward to things getting "back to normal", meaning, back to the way they were earlier in my stay, when there was a comfortable routine.
But of course that is impossible.
Life is not static.
Even in the 5 (6?) weeks since then, so much has changed, internally and externally.
(the pooja must have ended...a stream of red-robed monks is flowing out of the temple, up temple Rd and into the short-cut to Jogibara Rd...some of my friends included...)
Some days they look at me, maybe look FOR me, they wave and smile and yet...they keep their distance. THIS has hurt. Yes, we are from different worlds. Yes, I am their "teacher"...but oh how I also long to be their friend, to be included, to be able to walk and talk with them as if language and culture did not divide us)...
That is the resistance part.
The release? Knowing in some part of my soul that everything IS as it should be and that what will be will be.
I learn that and forget every few days and have to remember...over and over and over.
I release the need to rush around and try to grasp at people and places and things...maybe partly because of the above, or party because I know in my soul that I will be back.
It seems like a long long time between leaving and returning and yet...I will hold everyone and everything alive in my heart and if it is my karma I'll be back before October!