I have added new backer reward incentives.
If I do not top the $4000 goal NONE of the pledge money will be awarded!
Thank you so much for your help.
Friday, April 9, 2010
53 Days and Counting
Just a brief reminder that my fundraiser to return to teach English to Tibetan exiles in north India ends in 53 days and I still have $3762 to raise to reach my goal.
I have added new backer reward incentives.
If I do not top the $4000 goal NONE of the pledge money will be awarded!
Thank you so much for your help.
I have added new backer reward incentives.
If I do not top the $4000 goal NONE of the pledge money will be awarded!
Thank you so much for your help.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Bodhicitta and Beyond
This is going to be one of my most difficult posts yet...to write, at any rate.
[note: this post is intended mostly for my non-Buddhist readers who wonder what exactly is going on with me right now, and who are not familiar with what Buddhism teaches. I am not intending to "convert" anyone, just shed some light.]
Most of you know I haven't been a Buddhist that long, technically speaking. In fact, I am a newcomer to it since my recent exposure to Tibetan culture, and as per my previous post am only just beginning an actual study and practice of Buddhism.
However, even before taking refuge I already had Buddhist tendencies/leanings, I guess you could say.
The things which bother me (and have since my teens) most about Christianity (my own upbringing) are:
1) Lack of accountability for your own actions (it never ceased to amaze me that many who claim to be Christians really believe you can sin and simply say a prayer,likely half-hearted, and that makes whatever you did ok- at least in your own mind). Buddhists seem to me to tend to examine karma more closely...at least serious ones who are truly interested in a higher rebirth. I am actually more likely to behave properly, morally, as a Buddhist than I ever did when I was a Christian.
2) Seeing so many Christians NOT follow the teachings of Christ (which I guess ties in with the above). I hated listening to talk of converting heathens. I hated seeing politicians use Christian doctrine. I hated knowing that over the past 2000 odd years that more people have been slaughtered in the name of Christ than I care to think about. I saw that the church was not Christ and was shocked that no one else in my otherwise fairly intelligent immediate circle seemed to catch on to that, too. I lost friends when I tried to explain to them that Islam also teaches non-violence and that there are as many Christian radicals as Muslim terrorists.
Then I read today's post at Sweep the Dust, Push the Dirt, a blog by a Zen Buddhist online acquaintance, which actually prompted me to write this post.
So, as it IS related (ie the above complaints would be less of an issue provided everyone knew about the items below), I wanted to talk about bodhicitta...metta...and beyond. I honestly believe everyone can, and should, follow these guidelines, because the teachings are not at all limited to Buddhism (well, except bodhicitta).
Bodhicitta: the wish to attain enlightenment so as to reincarnate repeatedly to help all other sentient beings attain enlightenment. (hey look! a wiki on How to Cultivate Bodhicitta!)
Of course I cannot claim to have total bodhicitta motivation. I'm not sure anyone can. We are not perfect. Every now and again ( we think of our own needs, our own comforts, in this life.
But I DO strongly wish for peace, and for permanent world peace to happen, all sentient beings must become enlightened.
So I endeavor to remind myself repeatedly and to practice...
Metta: loving-kindness...a pure selfless compassion for all other beings as based on the notion that, via eons of reincarnations, all other beings have at one time been our mothers (some say think "mothers, friends, lovers"). Meaning, we act kindly towards anything living (even insects) because we know we are intimately connected. Everything has its place and purpose. Harming any other beings is harmful to ourselves, to humankind as a whole, and to the planet.
Metta also involves Right Speech and Right Action, which fall under the Buddhist Precepts (or moral code of conduct, if you will).
Right Speech means that we are honest. We do not lie. But it goes far beyond that. It also means that we do not speak out of anger or with the intent of hurting any other living being. We do not gossip or talk about anyone behind his back. And we avoid "idle talk" about useless topics (and yes, these are really hard to follow, because if taken literally it would mean we pretty much shouldn't say anything at all...which is a recommended part of it, according to Buddha Sakyamuni).
Right Action means we do not intentionally kill (another person, animal, or insect). We do not intentionally cause injury or suffering to any other sentient being. We do not steal...interpreted as meaning never to take anything not freely given to you. We avoid sexual misconduct (and this is open to a wide range of interpretations which I won't go into in detail) mostly meaning not to cause any harm by our sexual deeds (ie no rape, no extramarital affairs, no sex with minors, no suggestive behavior w/monks or nuns...you get the idea)
There are many places on the web to read much more about these concepts. I started with About Buddhism and followed links until I was satisfied!
I am really far from perfect. I eat meat. I have to try really REALLY hard not to kill ant colonies in my kitchen...no matter how hard I try, I can't envision them as my mother and do not feel loving-kindness for them! I get upset when I am attacked...but fortunately I am increasingly less likely to respond out of anger these days!
I hope I don't come across as preachy.
I have to remind myself through my own words on the subject that I need to think about these topics and try harder every day!
Wanna learn more about Bodhicitta?! (see left)
I also highly recommend reading any and all works by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.
[note: this post is intended mostly for my non-Buddhist readers who wonder what exactly is going on with me right now, and who are not familiar with what Buddhism teaches. I am not intending to "convert" anyone, just shed some light.]
Most of you know I haven't been a Buddhist that long, technically speaking. In fact, I am a newcomer to it since my recent exposure to Tibetan culture, and as per my previous post am only just beginning an actual study and practice of Buddhism.
However, even before taking refuge I already had Buddhist tendencies/leanings, I guess you could say.
The things which bother me (and have since my teens) most about Christianity (my own upbringing) are:
1) Lack of accountability for your own actions (it never ceased to amaze me that many who claim to be Christians really believe you can sin and simply say a prayer,likely half-hearted, and that makes whatever you did ok- at least in your own mind). Buddhists seem to me to tend to examine karma more closely...at least serious ones who are truly interested in a higher rebirth. I am actually more likely to behave properly, morally, as a Buddhist than I ever did when I was a Christian.
2) Seeing so many Christians NOT follow the teachings of Christ (which I guess ties in with the above). I hated listening to talk of converting heathens. I hated seeing politicians use Christian doctrine. I hated knowing that over the past 2000 odd years that more people have been slaughtered in the name of Christ than I care to think about. I saw that the church was not Christ and was shocked that no one else in my otherwise fairly intelligent immediate circle seemed to catch on to that, too. I lost friends when I tried to explain to them that Islam also teaches non-violence and that there are as many Christian radicals as Muslim terrorists.
Then I read today's post at Sweep the Dust, Push the Dirt, a blog by a Zen Buddhist online acquaintance, which actually prompted me to write this post.
So, as it IS related (ie the above complaints would be less of an issue provided everyone knew about the items below), I wanted to talk about bodhicitta...metta...and beyond. I honestly believe everyone can, and should, follow these guidelines, because the teachings are not at all limited to Buddhism (well, except bodhicitta).
Bodhicitta: the wish to attain enlightenment so as to reincarnate repeatedly to help all other sentient beings attain enlightenment. (hey look! a wiki on How to Cultivate Bodhicitta!)
Of course I cannot claim to have total bodhicitta motivation. I'm not sure anyone can. We are not perfect. Every now and again ( we think of our own needs, our own comforts, in this life.
But I DO strongly wish for peace, and for permanent world peace to happen, all sentient beings must become enlightened.
So I endeavor to remind myself repeatedly and to practice...
Metta: loving-kindness...a pure selfless compassion for all other beings as based on the notion that, via eons of reincarnations, all other beings have at one time been our mothers (some say think "mothers, friends, lovers"). Meaning, we act kindly towards anything living (even insects) because we know we are intimately connected. Everything has its place and purpose. Harming any other beings is harmful to ourselves, to humankind as a whole, and to the planet.
Metta also involves Right Speech and Right Action, which fall under the Buddhist Precepts (or moral code of conduct, if you will).
Right Speech means that we are honest. We do not lie. But it goes far beyond that. It also means that we do not speak out of anger or with the intent of hurting any other living being. We do not gossip or talk about anyone behind his back. And we avoid "idle talk" about useless topics (and yes, these are really hard to follow, because if taken literally it would mean we pretty much shouldn't say anything at all...which is a recommended part of it, according to Buddha Sakyamuni).
Right Action means we do not intentionally kill (another person, animal, or insect). We do not intentionally cause injury or suffering to any other sentient being. We do not steal...interpreted as meaning never to take anything not freely given to you. We avoid sexual misconduct (and this is open to a wide range of interpretations which I won't go into in detail) mostly meaning not to cause any harm by our sexual deeds (ie no rape, no extramarital affairs, no sex with minors, no suggestive behavior w/monks or nuns...you get the idea)
There are many places on the web to read much more about these concepts. I started with About Buddhism and followed links until I was satisfied!
I am really far from perfect. I eat meat. I have to try really REALLY hard not to kill ant colonies in my kitchen...no matter how hard I try, I can't envision them as my mother and do not feel loving-kindness for them! I get upset when I am attacked...but fortunately I am increasingly less likely to respond out of anger these days!
I hope I don't come across as preachy.
I have to remind myself through my own words on the subject that I need to think about these topics and try harder every day!
Wanna learn more about Bodhicitta?! (see left)
I also highly recommend reading any and all works by His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Stuck at the Beginning
I have been feeling "stuck", the past few days.
After my recent life-changing travels through India, most of which I spent volunteering in the Tibetan exile community of McleodGanj, I came back to the USA feeling grateful for a chance to rest and recoup.
Almost immediately, I began reading everything I could get my hands on regarding beginning practice in Tibetan Buddhism.
Let me back track a wee bit:
Living in McleodGanj (aka Dharamsala, exile home of the Dalai Lama) was a daily immersion in Tibetan Buddhism, and yet I never "studied" or read anything while there. I floated around in various stages of "enlightenment", carried by the incredible vibes swirling around the Himalayan foothills...Chanting emanated from monasteries as I walked Kora and spun prayer wheels and learned how to use my mala and do my own mantras.
I sat, on different occasions, within a few yards of HH the 14th Dalai Lama, swept away by unseen unheard waves of energy.
I had amazing insights and grew, spiritually, in leaps and bounds.
Leaving the Tibetan community was heart-breaking, and I have vowed to get back ASAP to do whatever I can for them, as well as continue my own journey.
When I arrived back in America, after nearly 5 days recovering from jet-lag, I began ordering Tibetan Buddhism books, book-marking every Buddhist website I could find.
At first it was more like intellectual learning, trying to get my head around what I had just experienced.
I wanted to know what all those red-robed monks knew that made them radiate pure light from their glowing faces.
I learned the Four Noble Truths, read and re-read the Eightfold Path, memorized The Three Pure Precepts and the Five Precepts... I read articles and essays on "metta", and pondered whether true "bodhicitta" is possible.
I froze, however, at the idea of "meditation". I am notoriously scatter-brained, have been called ADHD.
Mindfulness? On rare occasion.
Oh I SIT plenty.
I sit on my rear-end and my mind goes all over the universe.
Letting go of attachments? Ummmm...not so much. In fact, I happen to quite like my sentimental nature. I've been known to wallow in memories and longings. It has driven most of my creative work for the past 30 years.
Last night, as I was reading, I simply hit a wall. I could not grasp a single concept. Mind, no mind...self, no self...
I just kept thinking, "WTF?" Seriously.
And maybe that's the point. Maybe an intellectual study of all of this is not important. Maybe, at least for now, it's okay to simply follow the precepts as best as I can.
My own phrasing of what I learned in McleodGanj, written at the top of several journal pages:
It is what it is. It just is. Accept. Allow. Let go. Repeat.
I giggle to myself as I realize my own impatience for progress.
How can I measure "progress"? I have been practicing for less than 3 weeks, "officially". The fact that I am looking for progress may indicate a lack thereof!
The only progress I am sure of is that I am more likely to consider the karmic weight of thoughts before they turn into actions, whereas before I tended to act out of passion and think after doing so.
And that is pretty amazing in itself, really.
Yes, I am hungry to continue on the path.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Path Evolves
It has been eleven days and a lifetime since I returned to the USA. Life is good. I finally readjusted to a normal sleep cycle and am eating fairly healthy again after battling extreme fatigue and some kind of mild illness the first several days I was back.
And so now life goes on. Is going on.
What is the next step? That's something I ask myself fairly regularly, sometimes several times a day.
I have begun a study, and practice, of Buddhism. It started as a way to understand more of what I saw in McleodGanj. What did certain things represent? What did it MEAN? Why did they do THAT?
I learned the major differences between Tibetan Buddhism (meaning Vajrayana) and other paths/schools.
And then I began again from the beginning. What IS Buddhism? What are the basic beliefs, and how should a Buddhist act? Buddhism is mind-boggling, at once the most simple of paths, and yet the most complex, especially for a westerner whose only previous concepts of spirituality and behavior were based on Christianity.
I am at once passionate about and deeply perplexed by Buddhism. And yet it feels right to me, if only because it was the framework amidst which I had this life-changing experience. If only because it teaches exactly the lessons I most need to learn, about loving and letting go, about kindness and compassion...
So I endeavor to read about it everyday from a research perspective, learning terms, as well as reading from the teachings of Buddha. Yesterday I slowly slowly started The Dhammapada. I laughing tweeted that I wish there was a plain English Dhammapada for Dummies, as I have never been good at finding the "right" meaning in ancient or translated texts. Usually what I think they mean and what the scholars tell me they mean are radically different. Sigh.
But then, isn't that part of this whole experience?
Buddhism is not cast in stone. As I understand it, each student/practitioner applies the teachings to his own experience, although the ultimate goal of becoming a boddhisatva (at least in the Mahayana schools) remains constant.
Simply put, to me, Buddhism means: being in the moment (which I have ALWAYS struggled with and no doubt will continue to resist) and being kind to all other living beings. It means recognizing that I am a potential Buddha and you are a potential Buddha and (to be a little silly) even that Republicans and criminals are potential Buddhas!
I have so many questions and hope they never stop! I want to devote the rest of my life to this. And so the intellectual study also becomes practice.
While I confess, I have issues with the term "meditation", and have never "sat" as Zen Buddhists do, I am learning that to some extent even chanting Om Mani Padme Hum or using my hand held prayer wheel
is a form of meditation.
I have, if only to myself, taken refuge.
Every day I learn something more about Buddhism, about myself, about life.
And so the path evolves.
As the book recommended here says, we are a long way from Tibet, a long way from the Tibetan community in India. But that is okay. I had to leave them to learn certain lessons and accomplish certain things. I do feel we will be together again soon, if it is meant to be, if it is our karma.
On that note, I would like to insert a quick project update for my fundraiser, "Teaching English, Learning Life with Tibetan Refugees"
To date I have received $187 in pledges towards returning to McleodGanj in mid-September to continue my volunteer work and studies. That leaves 74 days to reach the ultimate goal of $4000 USD, which will cover all my expenses including airfare to/from north India.
Please understand, while in the USA, I am technically homeless. I have worked seasonal jobs for the past several years. These jobs provide housing as well as meals, which are both deducted from pay. This does not leave a lot left over. I have been unable to find stable full-time employment outside these seasonal jobs.
Now that my volunteer work with the Tibetans has become so important to me, I need YOUR help to make it happen!
Even if you can only pledge $1, that dollar helps. Your money will be working for good in this world!
Thank you.
One last note: I've been somewhat sad that there are no Tibetan Buddhist centers where I'm currently staying, and only two centers at all, that I can find. I miss being in the sangha I found in McleodGanj and really wanted that sense of community, of fellow Buddhists/seekers here in the US.
Well, we had lunch at a Thai restaurant yesterday. I felt an immediate connection with the hostess/waitress. We talked a little before she brought our food. As I was getting ready to leave, I knew I had to show my gratitude and respect with the lotus-bud gesture/mini-bow (I have not learned the term for this) which acknowledges the Buddha-within. When I did it, her face lit up with joy and astonishment. She burst out with a few sentences in Thai which unfortunately I did not understand, and she seemed to be telling her Thai friend/co-worker what I had done.
I felt like crying, not from sorrow but from joy. Clearly, I am not alone. The sangha is not limited to McleodGanj, nor to Tibetans. Nor even to Asians, or to face-to-face. As the days progress, I look forward to meeting other travelers on this path, whether face-to-face or online, regardless of age or race or language.
Life is good, and everything IS as it should be.
And so now life goes on. Is going on.
What is the next step? That's something I ask myself fairly regularly, sometimes several times a day.
I have begun a study, and practice, of Buddhism. It started as a way to understand more of what I saw in McleodGanj. What did certain things represent? What did it MEAN? Why did they do THAT?
I learned the major differences between Tibetan Buddhism (meaning Vajrayana) and other paths/schools.
And then I began again from the beginning. What IS Buddhism? What are the basic beliefs, and how should a Buddhist act? Buddhism is mind-boggling, at once the most simple of paths, and yet the most complex, especially for a westerner whose only previous concepts of spirituality and behavior were based on Christianity.
I am at once passionate about and deeply perplexed by Buddhism. And yet it feels right to me, if only because it was the framework amidst which I had this life-changing experience. If only because it teaches exactly the lessons I most need to learn, about loving and letting go, about kindness and compassion...
So I endeavor to read about it everyday from a research perspective, learning terms, as well as reading from the teachings of Buddha. Yesterday I slowly slowly started The Dhammapada. I laughing tweeted that I wish there was a plain English Dhammapada for Dummies, as I have never been good at finding the "right" meaning in ancient or translated texts. Usually what I think they mean and what the scholars tell me they mean are radically different. Sigh.
But then, isn't that part of this whole experience?
Buddhism is not cast in stone. As I understand it, each student/practitioner applies the teachings to his own experience, although the ultimate goal of becoming a boddhisatva (at least in the Mahayana schools) remains constant.
Simply put, to me, Buddhism means: being in the moment (which I have ALWAYS struggled with and no doubt will continue to resist) and being kind to all other living beings. It means recognizing that I am a potential Buddha and you are a potential Buddha and (to be a little silly) even that Republicans and criminals are potential Buddhas!
I have so many questions and hope they never stop! I want to devote the rest of my life to this. And so the intellectual study also becomes practice.
While I confess, I have issues with the term "meditation", and have never "sat" as Zen Buddhists do, I am learning that to some extent even chanting Om Mani Padme Hum or using my hand held prayer wheel
is a form of meditation.
I have, if only to myself, taken refuge.
Every day I learn something more about Buddhism, about myself, about life.
And so the path evolves.
As the book recommended here says, we are a long way from Tibet, a long way from the Tibetan community in India. But that is okay. I had to leave them to learn certain lessons and accomplish certain things. I do feel we will be together again soon, if it is meant to be, if it is our karma.
On that note, I would like to insert a quick project update for my fundraiser, "Teaching English, Learning Life with Tibetan Refugees"
To date I have received $187 in pledges towards returning to McleodGanj in mid-September to continue my volunteer work and studies. That leaves 74 days to reach the ultimate goal of $4000 USD, which will cover all my expenses including airfare to/from north India.
Please understand, while in the USA, I am technically homeless. I have worked seasonal jobs for the past several years. These jobs provide housing as well as meals, which are both deducted from pay. This does not leave a lot left over. I have been unable to find stable full-time employment outside these seasonal jobs.
Now that my volunteer work with the Tibetans has become so important to me, I need YOUR help to make it happen!
Even if you can only pledge $1, that dollar helps. Your money will be working for good in this world!
Thank you.
One last note: I've been somewhat sad that there are no Tibetan Buddhist centers where I'm currently staying, and only two centers at all, that I can find. I miss being in the sangha I found in McleodGanj and really wanted that sense of community, of fellow Buddhists/seekers here in the US.
Well, we had lunch at a Thai restaurant yesterday. I felt an immediate connection with the hostess/waitress. We talked a little before she brought our food. As I was getting ready to leave, I knew I had to show my gratitude and respect with the lotus-bud gesture/mini-bow (I have not learned the term for this) which acknowledges the Buddha-within. When I did it, her face lit up with joy and astonishment. She burst out with a few sentences in Thai which unfortunately I did not understand, and she seemed to be telling her Thai friend/co-worker what I had done.
I felt like crying, not from sorrow but from joy. Clearly, I am not alone. The sangha is not limited to McleodGanj, nor to Tibetans. Nor even to Asians, or to face-to-face. As the days progress, I look forward to meeting other travelers on this path, whether face-to-face or online, regardless of age or race or language.
Life is good, and everything IS as it should be.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
I Am SO Blessed
I am shouting a big THANK YOU to the universe because I know that I am so truly deeply blessed.
First, because I got to HAVE the experience I just had in India working with Tibetan refugees.
Second, because it has inspired me and motivated me to work on creative pursuits like nothing I can remember in my life.
And, third, last but not least, because the experience, and talking about it, and knowing I need to get back to do it again, has connected me with the most amazing, kind, generous people all around the world who are concerned about the issue of Tibet and Tibetans and are helping me in so many ways as I endeavor to raise funds to return to McleodGanj no later than October of this year (hopefully sooner).
So, thank you universe, and thank you beautiful souls!
With the help of angel Deb Lauman (aka ramkitten), whom I have known on twitter, Squidoo, and in person (not all at the same time!), I discovered a website called Kickstarter which helps people fund projects of all kinds. (Deb is currently funding a project which takes her to Nepal to work with Search & Rescue Dogs in the Himalayas.)
I quickly joined the site and created my project, titled "Teaching English, Learning Life with Tibetan Refugees".
In less than 24 hrs I have received $135 in pledges towards my $4000 goal! YES!
However, the "catch" with Kickstarter is that you have to reach your total goal in order to receive ANY of the pledge money...which means I have 81 days remaining to raise the rest.
That means I need to raise, on average, $50/day until the project deadline (mid-June).
This morning I have been deeply honored to be featured by fellow artist, Zazzler, and online friend Cherie, which has featured my project on her blog, Cheries Arts & Crafts. She is a wonderfully talented artist herself, and has been more than kind and supportive of me in this (as well as other) endeavors.
Life is good, and I am glad to be in it. And THAT is amazing in itself.
First, because I got to HAVE the experience I just had in India working with Tibetan refugees.
Second, because it has inspired me and motivated me to work on creative pursuits like nothing I can remember in my life.
And, third, last but not least, because the experience, and talking about it, and knowing I need to get back to do it again, has connected me with the most amazing, kind, generous people all around the world who are concerned about the issue of Tibet and Tibetans and are helping me in so many ways as I endeavor to raise funds to return to McleodGanj no later than October of this year (hopefully sooner).
So, thank you universe, and thank you beautiful souls!
With the help of angel Deb Lauman (aka ramkitten), whom I have known on twitter, Squidoo, and in person (not all at the same time!), I discovered a website called Kickstarter which helps people fund projects of all kinds. (Deb is currently funding a project which takes her to Nepal to work with Search & Rescue Dogs in the Himalayas.)
I quickly joined the site and created my project, titled "Teaching English, Learning Life with Tibetan Refugees".
In less than 24 hrs I have received $135 in pledges towards my $4000 goal! YES!
However, the "catch" with Kickstarter is that you have to reach your total goal in order to receive ANY of the pledge money...which means I have 81 days remaining to raise the rest.
That means I need to raise, on average, $50/day until the project deadline (mid-June).
This morning I have been deeply honored to be featured by fellow artist, Zazzler, and online friend Cherie, which has featured my project on her blog, Cheries Arts & Crafts. She is a wonderfully talented artist herself, and has been more than kind and supportive of me in this (as well as other) endeavors.
Life is good, and I am glad to be in it. And THAT is amazing in itself.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The End...is Just the Beginning
Thirteen hours from now the 777 will depart from Mumbai and I will look down and watch India vanish as thought it had never been real.
Of course I am filled with strange mixed emotions. Mostly right now I am relieved. The past week in Mumbai has not been difficult. I am looking forward to trivial but comforting familiar things from my US home...a long bath, a nice steak, a stable fast internet connection so I can really do some work...the love of a few great cats...phone calls to my mom and long hours ensconced in bookstore cafes!
Sometimes it feels like none of the past 5 months ever happened.
But I know they did...and not because I have photos or journals or souvenirs.
I know they happened because my soul was touched, my life was changed. I know it was real because I am not the same woman who arrived here at the end of October 2009.
I know because I am connected by invisible threads to so many other beautiful souls whose lights illuminate my darkness and shine out into the world. We will be forever connected, no matter where on the planet we may be.
Some may stay in touch through facebook or emails while others seem quietly hidden...but they will still be there, whether they write or call or not...and I will hold them inside my heart until we meet again, if that is indeed our karma.
My work is just beginning as I look for new and more ways to publicize and support the situation of Tibet and the Tibetan exiles whose lives touched mine. I am creating products for my online shops, the earnings from all of which are now ear-marked for my return trip. I will research fund-raising and holding talks and events to educate others...I am hoping to work with at least one teacher to help educate her 6th grade class.
I am also reaching out to local print & tv media in the areas where I'll be living in the hopes that I can get them interested in covering some aspect of the situation, even if not by directly interviewing me re: my experience as a volunteer.
There are many options and opportunities and I now know the universe is going to connect me to the people and events which I need, when the time is right.
I am thankful for all of this. For the pain, the confusion, the failures and the triumphs. Every new thing, every new lesson...All the difficulties of life in north India (squat toilets, "no lights" power outages, no heat, etc).
I would not trade the past 5 months for anything.
And I know in my bones that I will be back. This IS my life, McleodGanj IS my home, this is my passion and my calling.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me by reading this blog, by messaging me on my social networks, to all who comforted me in times of confusion and doubt.
Thank you to everyone who has purchased (or will purchase) products from my shops or will make a donation to support my return to continue my volunteer work.
You are precious.
And so while today marks the end of this trip to India, it is only the beginning.
The sacred sojourn which named this blog is by no means complete.
I will continue to post when related soul journey insights occur, and of course whenever there is news concerning my return to my heart's home.
Of course I am filled with strange mixed emotions. Mostly right now I am relieved. The past week in Mumbai has not been difficult. I am looking forward to trivial but comforting familiar things from my US home...a long bath, a nice steak, a stable fast internet connection so I can really do some work...the love of a few great cats...phone calls to my mom and long hours ensconced in bookstore cafes!
Sometimes it feels like none of the past 5 months ever happened.
But I know they did...and not because I have photos or journals or souvenirs.
I know they happened because my soul was touched, my life was changed. I know it was real because I am not the same woman who arrived here at the end of October 2009.
I know because I am connected by invisible threads to so many other beautiful souls whose lights illuminate my darkness and shine out into the world. We will be forever connected, no matter where on the planet we may be.
Some may stay in touch through facebook or emails while others seem quietly hidden...but they will still be there, whether they write or call or not...and I will hold them inside my heart until we meet again, if that is indeed our karma.
My work is just beginning as I look for new and more ways to publicize and support the situation of Tibet and the Tibetan exiles whose lives touched mine. I am creating products for my online shops, the earnings from all of which are now ear-marked for my return trip. I will research fund-raising and holding talks and events to educate others...I am hoping to work with at least one teacher to help educate her 6th grade class.
I am also reaching out to local print & tv media in the areas where I'll be living in the hopes that I can get them interested in covering some aspect of the situation, even if not by directly interviewing me re: my experience as a volunteer.
There are many options and opportunities and I now know the universe is going to connect me to the people and events which I need, when the time is right.
I am thankful for all of this. For the pain, the confusion, the failures and the triumphs. Every new thing, every new lesson...All the difficulties of life in north India (squat toilets, "no lights" power outages, no heat, etc).
I would not trade the past 5 months for anything.
And I know in my bones that I will be back. This IS my life, McleodGanj IS my home, this is my passion and my calling.
Thank you to everyone who has supported me by reading this blog, by messaging me on my social networks, to all who comforted me in times of confusion and doubt.
Thank you to everyone who has purchased (or will purchase) products from my shops or will make a donation to support my return to continue my volunteer work.
You are precious.
And so while today marks the end of this trip to India, it is only the beginning.
The sacred sojourn which named this blog is by no means complete.
I will continue to post when related soul journey insights occur, and of course whenever there is news concerning my return to my heart's home.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Withdrawal...and a note on Validity (or something like that)
Five days have passed since I left Mcleod...but it feels like a lifetime.
And now I am starting to have "weird" physical symptoms. Weird to me, anyway, because I'm not sure what's going on.
It could be as simple as coming from the Himalayan foothills down to the coast in Mumbai (altitude change).
Or because all the food and water is different.
Or because the psychic energies which swirl around Mcleod are absent, here...
The symptoms? General achiness and malaise, and lately bad stomach pains.
I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sit or lie around. I am tired in my body and my soul.
I want to be on familiar ground with familiar routines and comforts. When I say familiar, I mean one of two things...the familiarity of my place in the US, or the familiarity of my place in Mcleod.
I am missing my friends, I am missing the comforts of seeing the same sights and hearing the same sounds and being welcome.
I also feel a bit over-whelmed at all the work I want to do over the coming months. I have websites to build regarding the issues which are most important to me. I have so much reading/research to do regarding Tibetan Buddhism...more in depth study of the situation of the Tibetans, in general.
Just a note, for anyone who has been reading the heated comments left by "spirit" on my previous posts:
There is clearly a lot of controversy over the issue of the Tibetan exiles. I am not an expert on the legal or political situation. In fact, I freely admit that I did not get involved in those aspects at all.
My personal experience was learning life lessons from the most beautiful people I have ever met.
Yes, clearly there are those who are taking advantage of the system, abusing their privileges. But that happens everywhere. In the US, many families live "high off the hog" on welfare and do not really need it, while others who are desperately in need can barely get the necessary aide.
I know what is true for me, I know what is true for the people I worked with.
I am NOT responsible for those who are abusing the system, nor do I condone their behavior.
I DO know that there are many who need help, and not just of the financial sort. They deserve to receive an education, to be given the chance to find employment (there are so few opportunities for this is Mcleod).
They need to know that they are not forgotten, that their beautiful culture is valued and worth saving.
Not everyone can help every cause.
I know only what is important to ME.
I breathe in, I breathe out. I let it go. I will not try to convince those who cannot be convinced, nor will I argue with those who are angry. They have their own causes, equally important, and I pray they will make a difference.
I will be back in the US on Wednesday.
The next phase of this journey is already forming, though I do not know where the road will take me or exactly when.
But this most sacred sojourn has only just begun.
And now I am starting to have "weird" physical symptoms. Weird to me, anyway, because I'm not sure what's going on.
It could be as simple as coming from the Himalayan foothills down to the coast in Mumbai (altitude change).
Or because all the food and water is different.
Or because the psychic energies which swirl around Mcleod are absent, here...
The symptoms? General achiness and malaise, and lately bad stomach pains.
I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sit or lie around. I am tired in my body and my soul.
I want to be on familiar ground with familiar routines and comforts. When I say familiar, I mean one of two things...the familiarity of my place in the US, or the familiarity of my place in Mcleod.
I am missing my friends, I am missing the comforts of seeing the same sights and hearing the same sounds and being welcome.
I also feel a bit over-whelmed at all the work I want to do over the coming months. I have websites to build regarding the issues which are most important to me. I have so much reading/research to do regarding Tibetan Buddhism...more in depth study of the situation of the Tibetans, in general.
Just a note, for anyone who has been reading the heated comments left by "spirit" on my previous posts:
There is clearly a lot of controversy over the issue of the Tibetan exiles. I am not an expert on the legal or political situation. In fact, I freely admit that I did not get involved in those aspects at all.
My personal experience was learning life lessons from the most beautiful people I have ever met.
Yes, clearly there are those who are taking advantage of the system, abusing their privileges. But that happens everywhere. In the US, many families live "high off the hog" on welfare and do not really need it, while others who are desperately in need can barely get the necessary aide.
I know what is true for me, I know what is true for the people I worked with.
I am NOT responsible for those who are abusing the system, nor do I condone their behavior.
I DO know that there are many who need help, and not just of the financial sort. They deserve to receive an education, to be given the chance to find employment (there are so few opportunities for this is Mcleod).
They need to know that they are not forgotten, that their beautiful culture is valued and worth saving.
Not everyone can help every cause.
I know only what is important to ME.
I breathe in, I breathe out. I let it go. I will not try to convince those who cannot be convinced, nor will I argue with those who are angry. They have their own causes, equally important, and I pray they will make a difference.
I will be back in the US on Wednesday.
The next phase of this journey is already forming, though I do not know where the road will take me or exactly when.
But this most sacred sojourn has only just begun.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Mumbai...Integrating the Experince
I arrived back in Mumbai on the night of 2 March. Arriving at the airport, a phone call from my friend notified me he was not coming to the airport to meet me as expected.
I was disappointed, but not bent out of shape or terrified as I would have been had this happened 4 months ago.
So I collected my bags and decided to check out a pre-paid taxi.
300 rupees later, I clutched my receipt and navigated the queue out front without a lot of difficulty. It took what felt like forever to get out of the airport car park but at last we were whipping through the Mumbai night.
What struck me most as we rolled at a decent speed through the city was that...it did not seem as strange or crazy or frightening as it all had when I landed at the airport the first time, arriving from the USA in late October 2009.
In fact, it seemed pretty average. I can't believe I just wrote that!
I kept track of location by reading bank branch signs... Had my friend called to ask, I wanted to say, in my twisted humor, "I'm at the corner of Amitab Baichan and Shah Rukh Khan" (two Bollywood megastars whose faces are EVERYWHERE on billboards as well as tv and film). HAHAHA
Shops and temples sailed by...
Then I saw the Breach Candy bank branch and knew we were getting close. As we veered off to the right, I suddenly actually recognized the neighborhood.
I was able to give the taxi driver exact directions from there...although it was more gesturing as my Hindi and his English were pretty much equal at...virtually none.
India India India.
Hard to explain the mindset I've been in ever since getting back. The apartment here is posh, in India terms. I took the longest hot shower I'd had since I could remember. I slept with a sheet under a ceiling fan instead of two blankets and a space heater. I ate Domino's pizza and drank white wine and laughed over how much I've changed.
I do not feel threatened by the curious stares, anymore. In fact, there don't even seem to BE any curious stares. Maybe I have just learned to look past them?
Today we went to the grocery...the same grocery which seemed dangerous and complicated during my first week here. It was...routine. Absolutely normal.
I have said it before and I will say it again.
My life will never be the same.
I have cried, but not a lot. Mainly when I get an email or a facebook chat or a phone call from someone in Mcleod. I miss them more than anything but I am somehow applying the lessons of acceptance and letting go that I learned there.
Life is good. Everything is as it should be.
I am focusing on life NOW. On working on projects both online and off which will help get me back to my heart's home in the Himalayas quickly.
My goal is to be back and teaching English conversation to the Tibetan refugees again before October...hopefully by late August.
Please check out the links below to see what I am working on:
Tibet in Exile
Tibetan Buddhist Prayer Wheels
and
Support for Tibet
As all my work in McleodGanj is self-funded and completely voluntary, I appreciate anyone who would like to make a donation to contact me for my PayPal information!
I was disappointed, but not bent out of shape or terrified as I would have been had this happened 4 months ago.
So I collected my bags and decided to check out a pre-paid taxi.
300 rupees later, I clutched my receipt and navigated the queue out front without a lot of difficulty. It took what felt like forever to get out of the airport car park but at last we were whipping through the Mumbai night.
What struck me most as we rolled at a decent speed through the city was that...it did not seem as strange or crazy or frightening as it all had when I landed at the airport the first time, arriving from the USA in late October 2009.
In fact, it seemed pretty average. I can't believe I just wrote that!
I kept track of location by reading bank branch signs... Had my friend called to ask, I wanted to say, in my twisted humor, "I'm at the corner of Amitab Baichan and Shah Rukh Khan" (two Bollywood megastars whose faces are EVERYWHERE on billboards as well as tv and film). HAHAHA
Shops and temples sailed by...
Then I saw the Breach Candy bank branch and knew we were getting close. As we veered off to the right, I suddenly actually recognized the neighborhood.
I was able to give the taxi driver exact directions from there...although it was more gesturing as my Hindi and his English were pretty much equal at...virtually none.
India India India.
Hard to explain the mindset I've been in ever since getting back. The apartment here is posh, in India terms. I took the longest hot shower I'd had since I could remember. I slept with a sheet under a ceiling fan instead of two blankets and a space heater. I ate Domino's pizza and drank white wine and laughed over how much I've changed.
I do not feel threatened by the curious stares, anymore. In fact, there don't even seem to BE any curious stares. Maybe I have just learned to look past them?
Today we went to the grocery...the same grocery which seemed dangerous and complicated during my first week here. It was...routine. Absolutely normal.
I have said it before and I will say it again.
My life will never be the same.
I have cried, but not a lot. Mainly when I get an email or a facebook chat or a phone call from someone in Mcleod. I miss them more than anything but I am somehow applying the lessons of acceptance and letting go that I learned there.
Life is good. Everything is as it should be.
I am focusing on life NOW. On working on projects both online and off which will help get me back to my heart's home in the Himalayas quickly.
My goal is to be back and teaching English conversation to the Tibetan refugees again before October...hopefully by late August.
Please check out the links below to see what I am working on:
Tibet in Exile
Tibetan Buddhist Prayer Wheels
and
Support for Tibet
As all my work in McleodGanj is self-funded and completely voluntary, I appreciate anyone who would like to make a donation to contact me for my PayPal information!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
State of Shock
Quite frankly, I have gone numb.
I am sitting in the Delhi Airport waiting for a flight back to Mumbai which is still nearly 6 hours from boarding.
I am exhausted.
The bus ride down from McleodGanj was not horrible, but I cannot say it was "comfortable", and I may have had 4 hours of intermittent light sleep (dozing is more accurate) while sitting partially erect, head occasionally flopping off to the left.
I do have to say, the full moon over the Himalayan foothills and the soft pink glow of the peaks made my heart swell.
And the line of lights that is McleodGanj, strung out along the hillside as we descended towards Lower Dharamsala...even remembering it now brings on a feeling I cannot describe (and you know how I love to describe).
So the full moon sailed over India and the bus chanted mantras all the way to Chandigarh...gears exactly the same timbre as the low monks' chanting emanating from temples and monasteries...
Two Bollywood films played at the beginning of the journey, and then we stopped for dinner. I ordered one naan...one stinkin NAAN (a simple tortilla like bread)...and of about 40 people present, I was served dead last, and almost missed my bus!
I think this was the universe reminding me of the lessons I learned (started to learn, apparently) in McleodGanj.
Either that, or it was "farewell Dhasa (Little Tibet)" and welcome back to India.
Back on the road, "Law Abiding Citizen" was popped in the DVD and played til after midnight.
There were then a few hours of quiet. On the plains, moonlight pierced a thin veil of smog, silhouetting tall leafless trees rising against a flat blue backdrop.
We stopped at a seedy Indian bus stand where the toilet watchman wasn't letting me get away with not paying the 2 rupee fee (I don't even think there is a US equivilent for 2 rupees, it's so low)...so I had to run back to the bus across the dirt through a crowd of leering Indian men...joy. Well, perhaps an American woman wearing a salwar, a khata, and Tibetan Buddhist prayer beads running with toilet roll in her hand was simply too much for them to comprehend!
At 4am, like clockwork, the bus drivers decided it was morning and Hindi music pervaded the coach, along with groaning from numerous seats.
My seat-mate, 70 year old Australian adventurer Pammy, disembarked along with most of the Tibetan passengers at Manju ka Tilla (the Tibetan colony in Delhi). I stayed on with maybe 5 other passengers bound for ISBT.
ISBT...the thought of it made me shudder. My only other experience with it was arriving from Jaipur after dark way back in late November. I remembered a huge, bustling, crowded, incomprehensible terminal with no signs in English and no English speaking help.
This stop? We were unceremoniously put out on the side of the road amidst a swirl of auto-rickshaws, drivers virtually grabbing luggage from travelers, shouting "Rikshaw? Auto rikshaw? Hotel? Airport?" My attempts at speaking full English sentences with them failed...again. "Airport? Domestic? Ek sau pachas?! (150)"
Oh hahahaha madam.
Ok fine I'll pay you the freaking 300 rupees just get me out of here! Two young local girls piled in with me and my bags and we careened off into the Delhi sunrise.
I could not see much out the "window", especially covered as it was by a whipping tarp which reeked of urine. I remember seeing the Air Force base and, as we neared the airport, a huge expanse of what looked like really nice apartments...until I realized that the entire expanse was abandoned. Pink and golden light filtered over the scene, softly high-lighting empty windows and what were once streets now filling in with weeds and dust. A bit surreal.
So now I sit in the waiting area of terminal 1D, having stuffed myself on KFC (yes, that's right, KFC) and black currant ice cream, having bought an Elle Decor India magazine which I'm saving for the flight...people watching, uploading pics, killing time...
And mostly fighting off feeling. I cannot allow myself to really think about the past 48 hours, yet. About all the beautiful, kind, loving souls who came with me to the bus station to send me off, even ones who were going through emotional trauma much greater than my own...
I am incredibly blessed.
I am loved. I belong. I have a home in the Himalayas, and people eagerly awaiting my return.
THAT is what I came to find, halfway around the world from where I started. I never dreamed I would find it in INDIA, in a Himalayan hillside community where many of the people can only speak to one another with their EYES for lack of words in one another's languages...and where EYES speak far louder and more clearly than words...
I am sitting in the Delhi Airport waiting for a flight back to Mumbai which is still nearly 6 hours from boarding.
I am exhausted.
The bus ride down from McleodGanj was not horrible, but I cannot say it was "comfortable", and I may have had 4 hours of intermittent light sleep (dozing is more accurate) while sitting partially erect, head occasionally flopping off to the left.
I do have to say, the full moon over the Himalayan foothills and the soft pink glow of the peaks made my heart swell.
And the line of lights that is McleodGanj, strung out along the hillside as we descended towards Lower Dharamsala...even remembering it now brings on a feeling I cannot describe (and you know how I love to describe).
So the full moon sailed over India and the bus chanted mantras all the way to Chandigarh...gears exactly the same timbre as the low monks' chanting emanating from temples and monasteries...
Two Bollywood films played at the beginning of the journey, and then we stopped for dinner. I ordered one naan...one stinkin NAAN (a simple tortilla like bread)...and of about 40 people present, I was served dead last, and almost missed my bus!
I think this was the universe reminding me of the lessons I learned (started to learn, apparently) in McleodGanj.
Either that, or it was "farewell Dhasa (Little Tibet)" and welcome back to India.
Back on the road, "Law Abiding Citizen" was popped in the DVD and played til after midnight.
There were then a few hours of quiet. On the plains, moonlight pierced a thin veil of smog, silhouetting tall leafless trees rising against a flat blue backdrop.
We stopped at a seedy Indian bus stand where the toilet watchman wasn't letting me get away with not paying the 2 rupee fee (I don't even think there is a US equivilent for 2 rupees, it's so low)...so I had to run back to the bus across the dirt through a crowd of leering Indian men...joy. Well, perhaps an American woman wearing a salwar, a khata, and Tibetan Buddhist prayer beads running with toilet roll in her hand was simply too much for them to comprehend!
At 4am, like clockwork, the bus drivers decided it was morning and Hindi music pervaded the coach, along with groaning from numerous seats.
My seat-mate, 70 year old Australian adventurer Pammy, disembarked along with most of the Tibetan passengers at Manju ka Tilla (the Tibetan colony in Delhi). I stayed on with maybe 5 other passengers bound for ISBT.
ISBT...the thought of it made me shudder. My only other experience with it was arriving from Jaipur after dark way back in late November. I remembered a huge, bustling, crowded, incomprehensible terminal with no signs in English and no English speaking help.
This stop? We were unceremoniously put out on the side of the road amidst a swirl of auto-rickshaws, drivers virtually grabbing luggage from travelers, shouting "Rikshaw? Auto rikshaw? Hotel? Airport?" My attempts at speaking full English sentences with them failed...again. "Airport? Domestic? Ek sau pachas?! (150)"
Oh hahahaha madam.
Ok fine I'll pay you the freaking 300 rupees just get me out of here! Two young local girls piled in with me and my bags and we careened off into the Delhi sunrise.
I could not see much out the "window", especially covered as it was by a whipping tarp which reeked of urine. I remember seeing the Air Force base and, as we neared the airport, a huge expanse of what looked like really nice apartments...until I realized that the entire expanse was abandoned. Pink and golden light filtered over the scene, softly high-lighting empty windows and what were once streets now filling in with weeds and dust. A bit surreal.
So now I sit in the waiting area of terminal 1D, having stuffed myself on KFC (yes, that's right, KFC) and black currant ice cream, having bought an Elle Decor India magazine which I'm saving for the flight...people watching, uploading pics, killing time...
And mostly fighting off feeling. I cannot allow myself to really think about the past 48 hours, yet. About all the beautiful, kind, loving souls who came with me to the bus station to send me off, even ones who were going through emotional trauma much greater than my own...
I am incredibly blessed.
I am loved. I belong. I have a home in the Himalayas, and people eagerly awaiting my return.
THAT is what I came to find, halfway around the world from where I started. I never dreamed I would find it in INDIA, in a Himalayan hillside community where many of the people can only speak to one another with their EYES for lack of words in one another's languages...and where EYES speak far louder and more clearly than words...
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Observations, a February compilation
(the following is another compilation, this time culled from journal entires made between 12-24 February 2010)
The Tibetan cook at Moonpeak Thali is catching large black flies from inside the restaurant and releasing them out from the balcony. Kindness to all beings… Lovely. True spirit of McleodGanj.
I am shocked when the Indian guy who minds the host/cashier/desk, with whom I have been chatting amiably my past few visits, speaks to Tashi in Tibetan…and I chime in with a Tibetan comment of my own.
What a masala! We are American, Hindi, Tibetan…all of us speaking in a strange mix of the three languages…
I am trying, perhaps a little too hard, to get down my thoughts on what it is like to be here. Why? I feel like there is some danger of losing it when I leave.
Maybe I really feel afraid I will lose myself (again) when I leave, afraid I will lose the beauty of what has awoken inside me.
I am not the same woman who came here in the end of November (not even three full months ago?)
Strange how easily and casually strangers from western countries become companions, here. Something to do with comfort zones, common language, or safety in numbers, no doubt.
Just when you think you are going to be alone, abandoned, someone unexpected “rescues” you! YAY and thankfulness for that.
This life is so strange. I have called so many places HOME and yet I have never been at home…not since I was about 12 years old.
I have lost everything…but mostly I have lost myself. I have no idea who I am. I keep looking for me in weird places. I have looked in England, Scotland, Ireland, France…I have looked in India and in this Tibetan refugee community. I have found pieces of myself everywhere, but the whole is still missing…Who am I?
I am still lost and confused.
It’s a very funny thing. I always talk about how much I am going to miss people, even places. But the truth is, what I really miss is myself.
I lost myself when I was so young.
I moved so often, surrounded by so many new people and experiences, that I never really developed an identity.
I think I am a poet, a writer, a gardener, a cat lover who loves to color. I think I am a home maker who enjoys cooking and decorating and doing the laundry.
But I live so far away from myself…running here, running there, like the world might end, like there is never enough time. I always “have to” see another set of ruins or learn another language before it is too late.
I will run around in circles until I come back to my center and can breathe, again.
I am simply lost and lonely and searching for grace. I long for a second chance at innocence. I want forgiveness and salvation and I want to be chosen and I want to GET IN.
I am always afraid of god, always afraid of going to hell. Christian hell, Buddhist hell. All hell‘s terrify me. Deep inside, I feel like an eternal sinner. I have done things which I must account for. I have been accounting for them for years. Perhaps I will be accounting for them forever.
“I believe in you“, all my friends have told me this week, as I express a multitude of fears. Why do they have such faith in me when I cannot?
Things are changing. And change is good. But change is also frightening because I do not know what lies on the other side. I know McleodGanj. I know my way around, I know all the places I want to go, I know so many people here, I know what to say in Tibetan and Hindi in enough situations that I do not feel like a foreigner.
But I do not know what will happen next. I do not know who (myself included) will say or do what between now and Monday evening. So I cling to routines…to familiar places. I walk slowly through the shortcut listening to the morning sounds from the monastery, watching young monks play karom~pa. I ignore Indian beggars and slap donkeys and cows on the rear to get them out of my path.
The world is full of joy and secrets this first week of spring. Perhaps the fact that it is spring is making it all the harder to leave. Mostly what I’m working on is getting through the day. Hour by hour, I get through each day, and each day slides away, bringing me closer and closer to Friday Pizza Night, to my Saturday farewell party, to my wait at the bus station on Monday evening…
Something incredible is building up inside me. I am afraid I may have to climb to Triund and HOWL down the mountainside all night to release it.
Maybe it is the old parts of me dying that are making these sounds.
His Holiness returns from America today and there are special ceremonies continuing at the Main Temple, across the street from the cafe where I post these entries.
I wish the young staff at One Two would turn OFF the obnoxious modern dance music they are playing this morning and let the sound of the monks' chanting resonate through the morning air...
The Tibetan cook at Moonpeak Thali is catching large black flies from inside the restaurant and releasing them out from the balcony. Kindness to all beings… Lovely. True spirit of McleodGanj.
I am shocked when the Indian guy who minds the host/cashier/desk, with whom I have been chatting amiably my past few visits, speaks to Tashi in Tibetan…and I chime in with a Tibetan comment of my own.
What a masala! We are American, Hindi, Tibetan…all of us speaking in a strange mix of the three languages…
I am trying, perhaps a little too hard, to get down my thoughts on what it is like to be here. Why? I feel like there is some danger of losing it when I leave.
Maybe I really feel afraid I will lose myself (again) when I leave, afraid I will lose the beauty of what has awoken inside me.
I am not the same woman who came here in the end of November (not even three full months ago?)
Strange how easily and casually strangers from western countries become companions, here. Something to do with comfort zones, common language, or safety in numbers, no doubt.
Just when you think you are going to be alone, abandoned, someone unexpected “rescues” you! YAY and thankfulness for that.
This life is so strange. I have called so many places HOME and yet I have never been at home…not since I was about 12 years old.
I have lost everything…but mostly I have lost myself. I have no idea who I am. I keep looking for me in weird places. I have looked in England, Scotland, Ireland, France…I have looked in India and in this Tibetan refugee community. I have found pieces of myself everywhere, but the whole is still missing…Who am I?
I am still lost and confused.
It’s a very funny thing. I always talk about how much I am going to miss people, even places. But the truth is, what I really miss is myself.
I lost myself when I was so young.
I moved so often, surrounded by so many new people and experiences, that I never really developed an identity.
I think I am a poet, a writer, a gardener, a cat lover who loves to color. I think I am a home maker who enjoys cooking and decorating and doing the laundry.
But I live so far away from myself…running here, running there, like the world might end, like there is never enough time. I always “have to” see another set of ruins or learn another language before it is too late.
I will run around in circles until I come back to my center and can breathe, again.
I am simply lost and lonely and searching for grace. I long for a second chance at innocence. I want forgiveness and salvation and I want to be chosen and I want to GET IN.
I am always afraid of god, always afraid of going to hell. Christian hell, Buddhist hell. All hell‘s terrify me. Deep inside, I feel like an eternal sinner. I have done things which I must account for. I have been accounting for them for years. Perhaps I will be accounting for them forever.
“I believe in you“, all my friends have told me this week, as I express a multitude of fears. Why do they have such faith in me when I cannot?
Things are changing. And change is good. But change is also frightening because I do not know what lies on the other side. I know McleodGanj. I know my way around, I know all the places I want to go, I know so many people here, I know what to say in Tibetan and Hindi in enough situations that I do not feel like a foreigner.
But I do not know what will happen next. I do not know who (myself included) will say or do what between now and Monday evening. So I cling to routines…to familiar places. I walk slowly through the shortcut listening to the morning sounds from the monastery, watching young monks play karom~pa. I ignore Indian beggars and slap donkeys and cows on the rear to get them out of my path.
The world is full of joy and secrets this first week of spring. Perhaps the fact that it is spring is making it all the harder to leave. Mostly what I’m working on is getting through the day. Hour by hour, I get through each day, and each day slides away, bringing me closer and closer to Friday Pizza Night, to my Saturday farewell party, to my wait at the bus station on Monday evening…
Something incredible is building up inside me. I am afraid I may have to climb to Triund and HOWL down the mountainside all night to release it.
Maybe it is the old parts of me dying that are making these sounds.
His Holiness returns from America today and there are special ceremonies continuing at the Main Temple, across the street from the cafe where I post these entries.
I wish the young staff at One Two would turn OFF the obnoxious modern dance music they are playing this morning and let the sound of the monks' chanting resonate through the morning air...
Resistance and Release
Five days from now I will be leaving my heart's home.
I am experiencing the strangest blend of resistance and release.
I am trying to act like nothing is about to change...denial. And yet, I accept that it just is what it is and I am not going to rush around trying to do and see MORE.
There are fire poojas going on at His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama's Main Temple, here on what I've come to call "the corner of holiness and nowhere" (from where I write, at a wifi cafe overlooking life on the edge of the Himalayan foothills).
But instead of attending, instead of being curious, I stay in the cafe secure with my caramel latte and warm banana cake, uploading pics and interacting with my various social networks (both online and off).
This is my safe place. It is my home inside this town, having replaced LIT when we had our winter closure.
School is re-opened, now, just since yesterday. I had been looking forward to things getting "back to normal", meaning, back to the way they were earlier in my stay, when there was a comfortable routine.
But of course that is impossible.
Life is not static.
Even in the 5 (6?) weeks since then, so much has changed, internally and externally.
(the pooja must have ended...a stream of red-robed monks is flowing out of the temple, up temple Rd and into the short-cut to Jogibara Rd...some of my friends included...)
Some days they look at me, maybe look FOR me, they wave and smile and yet...they keep their distance. THIS has hurt. Yes, we are from different worlds. Yes, I am their "teacher"...but oh how I also long to be their friend, to be included, to be able to walk and talk with them as if language and culture did not divide us)...
That is the resistance part.
The release? Knowing in some part of my soul that everything IS as it should be and that what will be will be.
I learn that and forget every few days and have to remember...over and over and over.
I release the need to rush around and try to grasp at people and places and things...maybe partly because of the above, or party because I know in my soul that I will be back.
It seems like a long long time between leaving and returning and yet...I will hold everyone and everything alive in my heart and if it is my karma I'll be back before October!
I am experiencing the strangest blend of resistance and release.
I am trying to act like nothing is about to change...denial. And yet, I accept that it just is what it is and I am not going to rush around trying to do and see MORE.
There are fire poojas going on at His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama's Main Temple, here on what I've come to call "the corner of holiness and nowhere" (from where I write, at a wifi cafe overlooking life on the edge of the Himalayan foothills).
But instead of attending, instead of being curious, I stay in the cafe secure with my caramel latte and warm banana cake, uploading pics and interacting with my various social networks (both online and off).
This is my safe place. It is my home inside this town, having replaced LIT when we had our winter closure.
School is re-opened, now, just since yesterday. I had been looking forward to things getting "back to normal", meaning, back to the way they were earlier in my stay, when there was a comfortable routine.
But of course that is impossible.
Life is not static.
Even in the 5 (6?) weeks since then, so much has changed, internally and externally.
(the pooja must have ended...a stream of red-robed monks is flowing out of the temple, up temple Rd and into the short-cut to Jogibara Rd...some of my friends included...)
Some days they look at me, maybe look FOR me, they wave and smile and yet...they keep their distance. THIS has hurt. Yes, we are from different worlds. Yes, I am their "teacher"...but oh how I also long to be their friend, to be included, to be able to walk and talk with them as if language and culture did not divide us)...
That is the resistance part.
The release? Knowing in some part of my soul that everything IS as it should be and that what will be will be.
I learn that and forget every few days and have to remember...over and over and over.
I release the need to rush around and try to grasp at people and places and things...maybe partly because of the above, or party because I know in my soul that I will be back.
It seems like a long long time between leaving and returning and yet...I will hold everyone and everything alive in my heart and if it is my karma I'll be back before October!
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